tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-45315067670671774262024-03-20T07:32:00.641-04:00fat in nycnycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-63426072081925726482012-02-16T21:32:00.002-05:002012-02-16T21:36:21.745-05:00LETTER TO CHILDREN'S HEALTHCARE OF ATLANTAHello Fellow Sphere Citizens;<br /><br />Below is a note I submitted through the corporate compliance website asking who can answer the questions that the Strong4Life staff is refusing to answer. I am not the best writer and I am not sure if this will create any action by the organization, but I was surfing the website of the hospital and came up with this below.... I will post any responses I get from them.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />TO: Chief Compliance Officer, Beth Howell of Children's Healthcare of Atlanta.<br /><br />Dear Ms. Howell,<br />. <br />I am writing you because I am confused about the conduct of the individuals running the Strong4Life advertising program. After having reviewed your organizations Mission and Value statement as well as your organizations Standards of Conduct, I just wanted to bring to your attention the actions of these individuals when asked about the potential harm that the program can cause. At first your staff was interested in answering the valid questions posed about the harm the ads can do. Data, published studies, and other scientific proof has been provided to your staff and they suddenly decided to stop discussing the harm the advertising campaign can cause. As I look at the various items I cut and pasted below from your corporate website, I cannot understand how an organization like yours thinks it is ethical to refuse to discuss something they are doing that has been scientifically proven to do harm. They have provided some justifications for the approach, however, when asked to provide the studies that they quoted as justification, they at first promised it would be forthcoming and most recently advised they are no longer going to discuss the harm they are doing.<br /><br />This does not seem to comply with your stated values, your mission or your standards of conduct.<br /><br />Is there someone that you can direct me to to answer the questions these staff are unwilling to discuss since the individuals running theStrong4Life facebook page have shut down all discussion about the harm they are perpetrating with these "Phase I" advertisements?<br /><br />Thanks,<br /><br /><br />Ivan Greene<br />nycivan@gmail.com<br /><br />FROM THE CHOA WEBSITE<br /> <br />MISSION To enhance the lives of children through excellence in patient care, research and education.<br /><br />VALUES<br />Integrity Being honest, ethical and committed to all we do<br />Respect Appreciating all people, work and ideas<br />Nurturing Fostering the care, growth and development of the individual<br />Excellence Delivering the highest level of care and service<br />Teamwork Working together to achieve our goals<br /><br />Children's recognizes the problems that both deliberate and accidental misconduct in the health care industry can pose.<br /><br />"Children's is committed to ensuring that it operates under the highest ethical and moral standards…"<br /><br />STANDARDS OF CONDUCT<br /><br />QUALITY OF CARE<br />We will treat our patients, employees, physicians and visitors with dignity, respect,<br />compassion and courtesy.<br /><br />We seek to inform all patients and their parents (or legal guardians) regarding treatment recommendations and alternatives and the risks associated with the care they are seeking.<br /><br />We will respect the human dignity of each patient and parent or legal guardian by sensitively responding to questions, concerns and needs in a timely manner.<br /><br />Employees are expected to follow the Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta (Children’s) values, Standards of Conduct, policies and procedures, federal and state laws and regulations.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-7259933092979403742012-02-14T15:42:00.002-05:002012-02-14T15:43:49.706-05:00Betrayed by Hollywood, againLast nights episode of "How I Met Your Mother" had a particularly hurtful fat joke. One character had proposed marriage to another. The woman was unable to have children and was scared to tell because she was afraid the male would rescind his proposal. The man was reassuring the woman of his love and she started machine gunning out different flaws about herself and after each one he still said he would marry her. She then confronted him and told him to stop being so nice and he said, there is nothing about you that could make me not want to marry you, unless you became a big fat fatty. The man then said "See, I do have my standards" For those of you who saw the episode I am sure I am not recounting it verbatim but sharing my impressions of what the joke was. I can tell you that this is one of my favorite shows. I can tell you tell you that over the years I have come to care about all of the characters on this show. I can also tell you that I feel sad and betrayed by the producers and the writers. Most of all I am sad and discouraged that our culture hates guys and gals my size so much that I have pretty much resigned myself to being alone which saddens me too. Now I have to go grocery shopping and inflict the world with the awful spectacle of having to look at my fat body.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-55322195927518488022011-08-07T11:13:00.003-04:002011-08-07T11:18:40.023-04:00wow 6 months since my last postHello Fat-o-Sphere,<br /><br />I really miss you guys and gals. I have been under water for quite a long time. The reality of it is that I am ashamed of myself.<br /><br />It is hard to write this post. I want to explain all the facts of my medical stuff, my emotional stuff, my financial stuff et al.<br /><br />Long story short is that there was a perfect storm of all sorts of stuff going bad in my life and I had no strength to do almost anything to deal. <br /><br />So I sleep. <br /><br />So I don't go out.<br /><br />So I stop blogging.<br /><br />and so on, and so on, and so on.<br /><br />The few times I do talk to someone about what is going on with me, (mostly with my brother who is a prince with the way he does not judge me) I almost always come to the place where I think that losing some weight would bring so much relief to my problems.<br /><br />Then I remember all I have learned and I realize that is not a viable option. Then I feel a little hopeless. Then I go to sleep.<br /><br />It feels like I have become the cliche homebound obese man. Not the knock the wall down and use a crane to get me to the hospital fat. But the rarely go out kind.<br /><br />The problems that I choose to not deal with aren't insurmountable. I just can't summon the will to do anything about them.<br /><br />While I know I can start to address these issues without trying to loose weight, the weight does make it much harder to move and motivate.<br /><br />I couldn't even get myself to Washington for the convention which was more about shame than physical ability.<br /><br />Maybe I will get into details of health in some future posts and open myself up to the compassion of those here on the sphere that understand my stuff better than any others.<br /><br />For now, I just want to check in and connect from my default lurking position.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-32974647081845728172011-01-27T06:42:00.002-05:002011-01-27T06:44:38.164-05:00Conditional Love/Conditional Hate-- Guess the conditionYou know that moment when you recognize that you are watching a commercial for some sort of weight loss product, or that feeling of disappointment when you hear a Fat joke or some other message supporting the Fat Hatred that is a part of the world we live in. <br /><br />It happens all the time. Everyday. Every hour. Every minute. On top of that, there seems to be a new crop of shows about very fat people trying to loose weight. Even Rachel Ray started her season introducing a young fat girl, a senior in high school, who agreed to accept the show's help with her weight (and the show's cameras to document her struggles) for a new feature that call "80 pounds by Prom" There is new clone of The Biggest Loser that follows two very fat folks try to make their "Lifestyle" change before the six months of free trainers, nutritionists, and medical observation all expire. These is a MTV type show called, "I used to be Fat" where fat high school seniors are given a summer of free personal training and some cooking advice so they can go off to college skinny and prepared to stay skinny for the rest of their lives.<br /><br />You in the FA world know that feeling of disappointment as we see fatties being told they are going to die and early death, or never get married, or some other bullshit that we know isn't valid…. or helpful for that matter. I really like Jimmy Kimmel, and every time he goes for the fat joke, I am disappointed in him because he is so much smarter that the cheap fat joke.<br /><br />How about the anger and rage. Like when a diet supplement TV commercial touts that a university's double blind study confirmed that it works, and actually 88% of all the weight lost was belly fat! oh joy.<br /><br />The frustration when a cooking segment talks about how much weight you can loose by cooking the food in a better way. <br /><br />The feeling of defeat when Michelle Obama says something about her program that we all know will translate into some fat kid getting more messages of how wrong they are to want to eat and how bad it is that they look the way they do. Children being supported in hating themselves with generous help provided by our government, paid for by cutting the food stamp program designed to keep people from starving.<br /><br />Today's feeling was profound sadness courtesy of the MTVish show. The young girl featured who during the intro talks about how important getting married is and how she knows no one will want her in her disgusting state. She is so self hating about what she looks like. Then cut to the father talking about how her daughter dreams of getting married, but, sadly, guys want girls who are thin and pretty, and his daughter is going to have to work very hard to stop being fat and ugly and unloveable, and condemned to a life of profound loneliness. (I am embellishing, of course) Cut to another scene at the dinner table when Dad asks our Fat college bound young lady what kind of wedding she dreams of, his passive aggressive way to tell her to not eat so much.<br /><br />I was so sad for a couple of hours thinking about the crimes against humanity that are perpetrated on fat children all the time. I was sad that a Father would let his daughter think she isn't pretty. I flash back to some of the hateful, abusive things my Father said to me when I was a young boy, things that I internalized and bought into as the Gospel. Things that I still struggle with. The biggest being my lovability.<br /><br />My Fucking Lovability! Even today, although I know that it is all based on lies, I still battle with feelings about my worth, especially when it comes to being the subject of a woman's desire. How tragic that we teach folks that their lovability is in question. No one's lovability should every be questioned.<br /><br />I have a fantasy. I meet a television producer who really understands what FA and HAES is about, and we do a six month intensive around HAES and Size Acceptance. Sort of like the show Heavy, but teaching all our participants the tenants of HAES and Size Acceptant and we show how all their relationships go through that common reaction to a decision to stop trying to loose weight. I think it could be compelling television.<br /><br />When I stop fantasizing about producing tv shows and come back to center and I honor my feelings that came up when I watched a show on TV where I saw that Father make his approval of his daughter conditional on what she looks like. I honor the sadness and pain that live in all my cells as memories of sad times gone by.<br /><br />I also honor myself by writing about this. I feel connected and valued as I think about folks on the feeds reading this and shaking their heads in agreement and recognition. I honor myself by recognizing that most of the world not only doesn't want to hear what we have to say, they actually think we are crazy and out of touch. I am honored to be connected into our little corner of the universe, our determined little sub culture, where we understand that Fat is not bad. It is just fat. Where we understand that we are not bad, we are awesome, courageous, trailblazers who boldly go forth knowing our value and taking care of ourselves.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-75236080906080759012011-01-13T22:20:00.001-05:002011-01-13T22:21:26.421-05:00I'm not an animal!!!When I get right down to it I don't feel human. I feel that 405 or 410 pounds on my 5'8" frame disqualifies me from the human race. With the exception of the friends there already know me and my family, I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I don't feel like I'm a candidate for a job. You don't feel like I would never be considered as a romantic prospect (by a heterosexual woman) I've often said to friends that I wish I was gay because at least the gay community has the sub community of the Bears. I know I'm a little down and feeling a little sorry for myself today. The good thing is I got my physical exercise and I don't have to figure out this whole not feeling human thing tonight. Anyway here's some rambling thoughts from today related to my fat acceptance journey…<br /><br />I caught the second half of the show on MTV called “I used to be fat” it was about a high school senior preparing to go to college and it tracked his work with a personal trainer and the process of getting more fit and getting ready for college.<br /><br />My fat acceptance glasses made me suspicious of this young man's chances to maintain the significant weight loss over the long-term. I found myself wanting him to be successful. I mean over the long run in the next couple of years when the show will have forgotten him. I hope for him that as he left home and went out on his own that the habit of working out and cooking in a healthy way would stay with him and he would not have to suffer the indignities that our culture thrusts upon that people.<br /><br />There was one scene when he came back home to visit after the first couple of weeks away at college and had lost a little more weight and was wearing jeans for the first time in a long time. Everyone in the family praised him for his looks, and everyone in the family was joyously happy for him.<br /><br />I also feel a lot of sadness for all the young fat people graduating from high school who choose not to go to college because of the stigma out there. I personally, had to drop out of school for health problems and I never went back and finished. So this particular episode brought up a lot for me.<br /><br />I guess I saw this guy start his college career, really his adult life, completely bought into the culture's bias against fat. I thought about the odds of him gaining the weight back and how the entire show framed isn't higher life problem around his size. And while I hope for him that he is one of the 5%, I equally hope that he finds a way to love and believe in himself if his body weight goes back to where it was throughout his entire adolescence which you and I both know is probable.<br /><br />I also saw Seth Rogen on one of the night talk shows and he mentioned that he cannot fit into any of the close he bought when he was at his thinnest for his upcoming movie the Green Hornet. Yes I know he's Hollywood but he started in Hollywood fat and I wonder if he gains back the weight if he will continue his successful career. I guess I'm just wondering out loud what Hollywood will do with him if he gains weight back. Will they punish him by only giving him the fat clown roles going forward. There was a movie he did I think it was called nine months when he played the lead and he was heavyset. Some very curious to watch out things progress with Seth Rogen.<br /><br />I know this post really doesn't have a central theme but these are few things that I've been wondering about. The last thing I want to ponder about is the very well-received website big boy fashion. I think it's great that these guys are doing what they're doing. I just find myself thinking if they consider themselves big boys what the heck am I. And I know this has nothing to do with them or their body size or shape and everything to do with the own insanity inside my head.<br /><br />Just thinking out loud tonight.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-56655138472228188332011-01-13T22:18:00.000-05:002011-01-13T22:19:55.495-05:00SmartsI consider myself a pretty smart guy. My blog is more of a “this is my experience as I navigate fat acceptance, and a sort of journal/diary.<br /><br />Over the last two years as I've kept up with the fat acceptance blogs on the feeds, I have been intimidated often. The quality of the writing, the intellectual level of discussion, the academic atmosphere of many of the blogs, are both impressive and intimidating.<br /><br />While I consider myself very smart, I've always struggled with school and deadlines and time management. On top of that I find reading very difficult. The part about reading I find very difficult is that I have such a short attention span that I can actually be two or three pages into something having actually read the words and have absolutely no idea what was said in the last two pages and have to go back and reread. I don't think I'm dyslexic. But I know that I am nowhere in any way close to the level of intellectual horsepower of many people who blog regularly here on the feed.<br /><br />I fantasize sometimes about getting involved in school again. I've tried to go back to times since I dropped out back in 1986. Each time was the same thing, flameout before the end of the semester. Whether it was a psychology class or a writing class… to a simple photography class, every time was the same result I just didn't finish.<br /><br />I have something called amblyopia which I've been told is also called lazy eye. From kindergarten into second or third grade they put a patch on my good eye to force me to use my weaker eye. I've always had a hunch that some how my brain wiring… when it comes to reading and writing was skewed in some way that has something to do with the vision in my right eye being impaired and wearing a patch over my good eye during kindergarten and first grade in a little bit of second grade.<br /><br />I know that when I write from the heart and just talk about what's going on for me and not worry about how it sounds that I connect with lots of people in the feed. I think that simply because the experiences that I talk about are so universal within fat acceptance that people can identify. And I know when I connect with someone else that gets me I feel good.<br /><br />I'm very grateful to all the amazing really and people who inspire, impress, and intimidate me with their talents when it comes to writing. However I also worry about how my poor grammar and writing skills reflect on me.<br /><br />I'm also grateful when I can just accept that it's okay for me to be the writer/blogger that I am and not do the compare and despair dance.<br /><br />I've been inside the house today and yesterday due to weather. I've gotten my exercise in using the dance program on the Wii from a sitting position. My heart rate and my breathing rate gets elevated and I totally feel it in my shoulders. And it's actually more fun than walking although I think that I'm doing more core strength building walking than sitting doing this dance program so when the weather allows, back to the walking.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-85078737563375399872011-01-11T21:25:00.003-05:002011-01-11T21:27:06.629-05:00Good Day or Bad Day...What's the Difference?Since the beginning of November I have been walking almost every single day for at least 15 min.<br /><br />Most of the time it's a struggle to get out and going, but it's a lot easier to get to it living here with mom who helps me to get going simply by asking me, “When are you going to take your walk?” Once I get on my way, I'm able to find aspects of what's going on around me that are enjoyable. So on one front it's enjoyable movement. On another front it's a complete act of discipline done solely because I was completely sedentary and just walking became too much for me.<br /><br />Thankfully I'm able to see noticeable improvements since I started this daily regime of a 15 min. walk. I feel more sturdy on my feet. Most of the time I'm nowhere near as winded as I was when I first started doing the walk two months ago. Moving around is little easier which is indicating to me that I am getting a little more strength back just from this one simple activity.<br /><br />There are many things going on in my life right now that when I spend too much time thinking about them I am upset, disappointed, and just generally feel bad.<br /><br />When I spent time thinking about where I'm at and where I want to go and how far the distance there is between those two points I am discouraged. I try to stay away from that kind of thinking and when I find myself doing it I say to myself the only thing I have to do today is my walk. As long as I get my walk in the day is a win.<br /><br />So today with the big storm bearing down on the Northeast, the roads being a little icy from the last storm, I took the action of going to the local mall and doing my 15 min. walk there.<br /><br />It's a small victory, but it's something positive to focus on. My intuition is telling me that it's very important for me to focus on things that feel good, that are positive.<br /><br />This also requires the skill of being able to not focus on all the messages that come from within and without that judge my situation and make conclusions that are negative about who I am, what I do, and what I am worth.<br /><br />I got my walk-in today, and that's a win.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-30652978337032687322011-01-10T20:57:00.002-05:002011-01-10T21:09:16.003-05:00I've been following a <a href="http://silentbeep.wordpress.com/2011/01/09/willful-numbness-not-quit-ignorance/">conversation over at Silentbeeps blog</a> about friends that know about our fat acceptance activities who make fat phobic comments.<br /><br />Today when I saw my mother she said something to the effect of, “that's a really nice shirt it makes you look thinner.”<br /><br />We had an interesting conversation about how her comment supports the stigma. She politely listened and offered her own defensiveness which is par for the course when discussing this with my mom. I wasn't particularly upset or angry or irritated. I just found it interesting to note that making one look's appear to be thinner is equated with good thing.<br /><br />I know this basic 101 stuff, however, I'm glad that I was able to recognize it for what it was without having to get upset or irritated.<br /><br />It's a nice shirt, period.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-60533187059276998492011-01-08T19:25:00.001-05:002011-01-08T19:26:49.190-05:00Shame Shame Shame...Hello fat acceptance universe!<br /><br />I miss you. I've been underwater emotionally for several months. I've been lurking around the sphere, but I've been isolating because of the hard times I've been having.<br /><br />One of my dear friends and fellow bloggers recently let the community know that they were dealing with several serious health issues and had feelings of embarrassment about that fact.<br /><br />It's definitely bullshit but it's powerful bullshit this feeling shame for being fat, for having health issues, for just being.<br /><br />I'm blogging today because I can't not blog. I am blogging today because she inspired me to "come clean" with these thoughts.<br /><br />I haven't blogged because I felt such shame about how "poorly" I have been doing. Fearful of the fantasy inside my head that goes something like this… One of my family members or a future employer or a critic of the fat acceptance movement takes what I write in my blog and uses it against me in some shape or manner. The problem with this is that most of my progress and victory over the spirit killing shame attached to all this stuff comes from sharing about it and having conversations via blogging. I get to connect with people who understand me. I get acknowledgment about my struggle. But most of all I just feel like I found the place where I belong. And I've spent my entire life feeling like I don't have the right to belong.<br /><br />I already know there are people reading this and nodding their heads in recognition. My fellow citizens of the “sphere” can understand this because they've lived it.<br /><br />I have spent the last year in this emotional paralysis and physical limitations which are related to my size and weight. I am in the midst of this battle that pits my fat acceptance knowledge against my old beliefs about me somehow being at fault for not trying hard enough.<br /><br />The more I thought about it, the more overwhelming it felt. So I decided to just not deal with it. And I basically wound up in this sedentary zone of inaction.<br /><br />Lots of health stuff going on, however, all the measurements that we use to indicate health, blood pressure, cholesterol, liver function, say that there's nothing wrong with me. Yet I was paralyzed three years ago and I still have not regained my core strength. I still have residual numbness and paralysis. I still need pain meds to function, except they are double edged sword in that it also limits me in many ways (feeling exhausted, lack or concentration, etc.)… Yet I get winded just from walking. Most of the time I'm pretty uninspired and just leaving the apartment became a huge chore. Objectively looking at it it's hard not to call it depression. That being said in my heart of hearts I do not think I am depressed. I'm uninspired. I don't like that it takes so much energy to move my body. And I really don't like sharing about this. My mind is racing right now wondering about all the judgment that people will be making about me and my situation.<br /><br />Last November I moved back in with my family because I screwed up something with one of my disability income policies and I had to make the choice between health insurance or rent. As much as I love New York City and as much as it is embarrassing and scary to acknowledge that I moved back home, the thought of being without health insurance is much more scary.<br /><br />There has been a lot of really good stuff that's gone on since I made this move. Really good good stuff that I wanted to blog about but I was too ashamed about moving back home… I feel like there is a giant "L" tattooed on my head.<br /><br />I'm glad I finally got around to writing this post because I need to feel connected to the community of people who understand what it's like to be obese in the world and a culture and economy and a dating universe, as a patient in medical settings, in all these different segments of my reality where our culture stacks the deck against me.<br /><br />My mind is racing with all the things I want to blog about. It feels like a dam that's about to burst because I've been too ashamed to post. And regarding future employment opportunities, there probably is some risk to being so forthcoming about what I'm up against.<br /><br />My gut tells me that the benefits of reconnecting with my fellow tribe members will outweigh that risk.<br /><br />Does anyone relate to this stuff? Any victories over shame that you care to share about or link to if you blogged about it?nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-74940707413829978352010-11-18T21:07:00.003-05:002010-11-18T21:15:44.074-05:00shameless solicitation for fatty loveI was inspired by <a href="http://joannadw.wordpress.com/2010/10/14/what-fat-accepance-isnt/">this post</a> about what FA is not and I wrote the followng comment on that blog.. I am posting my comment here because I could use some fatty love from the sphere. <br /><br />.....<br /><br /><br />While I agree with everything in this post, I am saddened and angered with the realization that most people refuse to even consider the validity of my FA/HAES beliefs. <br /><br />I wish there was a non virtual "island of misfit toys" for my fellow fatties with health and mobility issues. The internet community of FA/HAES folks is wonderful and I appreciate all my friends and associates I connect with virtually. IRL, I am lonely.<br /><br />I have very limited mobility and very limited pulmonary function. I am very fat. I deal with chronic pain and numbness from my shins to my toes that are consequences of emergency surgery three years ago which was unrelated to my weight. Walking is difficult. The thought of all the venomous stigma hurled at my beautiful fat body on a mobility scooter is frightening and I am not ready to confront those demons.<br /><br />When folks who don't know me look at me, they think I ate myself into disability. They think I am deluded when I use the phase unrelated to my weight. <br /><br />There is no-one in my family life, save for my brother, who does not constantly confront and blame me about not doing enough for my health. I do have to give credit to my mother for trying though.<br /><br />And I am so very in sync with this post that I have found a little peace and happiness knowing that there is nothing wrong with my choices. <br /><br />I know that trying to explain the logic of my choices (about food, health FA, HAES, etc) to most, especially family, is a waste of time and impossible. Some family members see me as a heroin addict on the street that needs an intervention. They refuse to have a civil conversation about my beliefs. They refuse to stop telling me why my thinking and beliefs are wrong. They cannot help themselves from trying to get me to see my fat, my choices, my beliefs are wrong, selfish and insist that I make some sort of commitment to action in line with their beliefs.<br /><br />Sooooo I had to set boundaries with them. I told them for my mental health and peace of mind, I will no longer discuss these issues with them and I will not accept any comments from them on issues of health, weight, fitness, food.<br /><br />I have had to choose between these beliefs and very valuable personal relationships. I let my sister go with love. I do not speak to a very close long time family friend anymore, I have a very shallow and arms length relationship with my father and step mother.<br /><br />I am being true to myself and my beliefs by giving up these relationships. I miss my sister. <br /><br />Sorry to drift a little here, but your post brought this stuff to the surface for me and I had to write.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-82413091477000149862010-09-19T02:52:00.001-04:002010-09-19T02:52:36.801-04:00Another Family GatheringI have been really down on myself and struggling in a depression. I have had much better days. I have been in this funk for a long time and I have no idea how, when, or if a shift into a better space is gonna come.<br /><br />One of the places for me that is tough is visiting with my parents. I have hard boundaries with them about discussing my weight, health, & exercise. My last few visits with them, I have had to defend the boundaries. Just a little bit with my stepmom who always pokes at the electric fence that are these boundaries. She is coming from place of concern and in this funk of mine, I am so tempted to buy back into the fantasy of losing weight making my life better. <br /><br />So basically, when I do see my parents, there is always a moment of uncomfortability in wondering when my stepmom is going to violate the boundary and I am going to have to defend it. Sometimes, it is as simple as just changing the subject. Sometimes it is just as simple as saying I don't want to talk about it. I feel uncomfortable for little bit, but then we get on to the task of visiting with each other. By the way, I enjoy visiting with them. We share the same politics and that is mostly where we spend our time connecting.<br /><br />Today, there was a family gathering for the Jewish Holiday. I arrived first (which I rarely do) and the greeting from my parents for so overtly loving it took me by surprise. My father said "You are so beautiful" My stepmom gave me a lovely hug and a heartfelt greeting. There was no mention of my weight. We just sat down and started visiting. <br /><br />Shortly after, other siblings and their kids started arriving and I was very conscience of how nice it was to be with my family, be part of my family, and see all my nephews, my niece, my sister and my three brothers along with all their spouses.<br /><br />The den where we were hanging out in has two chairs and a couch. The couch is high up and easy for me to get out of. One of the chairs is low to the floor and not as easy for me. I found myself in this chair and as soon as I sat down, I signaled to my brother that I might need his help to get up. A few minutes later I positioned myself to get up and as I was standing up, I started to stumble back toward the chair but I caught my balance. As I started to stumble, my stepmother let out a shriek of panic that stopped as soon as I caught my balance and I looked at her and exclaimed that I am alright.<br /><br />A little while after that my stepmother was moving around the room and I asked her to hand me my cell which I had left on the table next to the low chair. As she handed it to me she said something to the effect of …"I look forward to when you can just jump up and get the phone yourself." I took my phone and ignored her comment. On my way out at the end of the evening, we said our goodbyes and she said to me, "I know you know so I m not going to say anything" which was her way of poking at the no weight talk boundaries as I was leaving.<br /><br />I think the reason that I do not go ballistic apeshit with her when she "pokes at my fence" is because there is still a part of me that thinks I should lose weight. A part that equates weighing less with happier and more comfortable.<br /><br />I know that losing weight is and has always been a no win for me. So I don't go toe to toe with my stepmother about her comments because I want to have a relationship with my parents.<br /><br />It is just tough because I am depressed, I am uncomfortable, I am unmotivated and when I think about what my next steps might be to improve my situation, I find myself unwilling to do anything. <br /><br />I cannot talk to the parents about this because they are incapable a saying anything and all they can do is scream obesity boooga boooga at me.<br /><br />I do have a few friends and my brother who I can and do talk to about this stuff so I am grateful for that. <br /><br />I was glad to hang with the family today, even with stepmoms little pokes.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-74335272789847273202010-08-17T22:42:00.003-04:002010-08-17T22:46:45.493-04:00HUGE - FAT HATE- Self Policing ON Facebook?very interesting… the facebook page for huge had an entry today about the actor who plays lan. The comments were ll positive except one and that hateful comment was shunned by the rest of the thread. I never saw that before…. how about that? to top it off, the hateful comment was removed not sure by whom.... <br /><br />This strikes me as awesome<br /><br />here it is <a href="http://www.facebook.com/posted.php?id=291021791680&share_id=127808647265733&comments=1#s127808647265733">http://www.facebook.com/posted.php?id=291021791680&share_id=127808647265733&comments=1#s127808647265733</a>nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-89126010065980724942010-07-23T17:45:00.005-04:002010-07-23T17:54:58.492-04:00Save, Repair, Your Favorite Pair of JeansHey everyone,,,, just a quick post about something I just saw featured on a local news show called LX New York http://www.nbcnewyork.com/shows/lxnewyork/<br /><br />They featured a company that repairs denim jeans. I know over the years I have thrown away perfectly good jeans because only the area between the thighs had worn away. This company has you go online and mark up a diagram of your jeans where you want them repaired. You then mail them your jeans and they send you an quote to repair them. They also have a service where they can convert regular jeans into maternity jeans and then turn them back after the baby comes. <br /><br />They are here in NY but they also do this service thru the mail.<br /><br />The company is called Denim Therapy http://denimtherapy.com/repairnow-var1/?gclid=CIOS6p7NgqMCFdFN5QodHCBzaQ and I figured that there may be some in our community that will be happy to know about them.<br /><br />Cheers,<br /><br />Ivannycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-51722471175784358902010-07-10T01:20:00.002-04:002010-07-10T01:22:27.119-04:00NO NEW KNEES FOR YOU!! unless I can amputate your stomach firstHello Friends,<br /><br />My mom and I are hanging out with an old family friend tomorrow who lives in Florida, She and my mom are both in their mid 60's.<br /><br />This friend, who for the purpose of this post I shall call judy, weighs between 300 and 400 pounds. She also has arthritic knees and while I am not 100 % up on the details of her situation, I will describe them as I understand them. I will get very clear on the details tomorrow as we have plans to hang out all afternoon.<br /><br />Here is the deal. The doctors wanted her to loose weight before they replace her knees, So they advised her to have the lap band procedure. She did this about two years ago. If she lost any weight, she gained in back. So the knees are still not replaced and she lives with horrible pain. <br /><br />I assume they went to adjust the lap band to force it to work and get her to loose weight and guess what? They cannot find the device. I never heard of that before. It is not around her stomach and they cannot locate it. So guess what the docs are gonna do now. After the lap band failed. They are still not going to do the operation to replace her knees because surgery is too risky at her weight. What they are going to do is amputate her stomach with a full gastric bypass and while they are in there, they hope to find the dislodged lap band device. Apparently the risks of this surgery is acceptable. It just seems so very wrong that the Doctors are willing to risk her life this way.<br /><br />I feel horrible for her. Worse is that in the few times that I have spoke about fat acceptance with her, she has been completely unreachable.<br /><br />I am going to try to reach her again tomorrow. Surely folks in our community can understand the injustice of doctors refusing to provide the pain relieving knee replacements but encouraging the life threatening stomach amputation. Further, we have the insight to understand how someone like my mother's friend Judy could agree with the doctors about the bypass surgery before the knee surgery.<br /><br />I anticipate my discussions with Judy falling on deaf ears tomorrow. I am sick with sadness about this.<br /><br />Please friends, send me your good vibes to my brain so what I say tomorrow to her has value.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-3226598107975526632010-07-03T17:11:00.003-04:002010-07-03T17:14:44.533-04:00Gratitude for the SphereI am very grateful that there are so many smart activist voices out there discussing Size Acceptance. I myself have been not only been under the radar, but almost completely "off grid" when it comes to following the sphere and watching the different developments and issues here.<br /><br />Long story short on my absence has been a crisis of confidence about my health choices and a really difficult battle with my own "Bad Fattie Guilt". I probably will blog about it more but right now I just want to say thank you to all the voices on the sphere waiting for me in my special inbox dedicated to the sphere.<br /><br />Cheers,<br /><br /><br />Ivannycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-6081177868232684952010-04-22T12:15:00.005-04:002010-04-22T13:12:02.054-04:00MAN UP!! -- Bias, Hatred, and Prejudice, Oh My!!Dr Puhl from Yale did a<a href="http://boards.medscape.com/.29f32524/<br />"> blog post</a> about the study showing how political candidates are judged when the only variable is their weight. As most of us would expect, the women got the worse reaction for being heavy. The surprising data out of this research is that people have a more favorable opinion of heavy male politicians that thin male politicians.<br /><br />This got me thinking again about how the male perspective is underrepresented on the sphere. It also got me thinking about how my perspective about this may be unique to me.<br /><br />Having been around our online community for almost two years now, I am totally tuned into the fact about women having it harder on an overall basis than men do when it comes to weight bias and fat hatred. I get it. Heck, until I got involved in the community I had no understanding about privilege even though I possess it in many ways solely for being white, hetero, and male. <br /><br />Yet, I cannot help feel that my experience is diminished because as a man I do not have it nearly as bad as a women do in terms of Fat Hate. It gets me asking myself questions like, "What's wrong with me." "Am I one of the only guys that feels the profound sense of oppression for being 400 pounds?" <br /><br />On top of this I also feel that in terms of <a href=" http://fatinnyc.blogspot.com/2009/12/morality-of-my-fat-acceptance.html">good vs. bad fatty</a>, I land squarely in the bad column which I have posted about in the past and will post more about in the future. <br /><br />I think that what it may boil down to is that I am still working through the powerful programming that taught me I was bad, lazy, unworthy, pitiful, disgusting etc, It still has a choke hold on me. I am just lucky to have two fingers between my neck and that choke hold thanks to the Fat Acceptance community. I am constantly questioning myself. Sadly, the foundation of my self doubt are all those years of the hateful, biased, moral panic induced blitzkrieg designed by a variety of forces all serving their own self interests. Worse yet, not being honest to themselves when they frame their greed based motives as genuine concern for my well being. ughh!<br /><br />So I am the subject of a mindfuck so comprehensive, so intense, so huge that I struggle to not beat myself up all the time for not doing enough to move from the bad fatty column to the good fatty column. <br /><br />the kicker is, that even if I found my way into the good fatty column, I'd still be living in a society that hates me. <br /><br />I think that recognizing that this is a battle that I cannot win overnight. I have to take it a little at a time.<br /><br />It feels really big to me and I am struggling with all of this right now. Part of me thinks that I am some sort of weakling, somehow too soft, too whiney, to defective because, heck, men don't have it as bad as women. I don't see any other guys on the sphere talking about how hard this stuff is. <br /><br />I'm lucky in that I can open up about this stuff and seek out support, advice, and even just a hello when I need it. I have to say that with the exception of a little tough love in the beginning about my lack of understanding about privilege, I have got nothing but good luvin from the community for which I am very grateful.<br /><br />I so sincerely wanna find my place, my peace with my Fat Acceptance. It has been a difficult journey for me. We all have it hard. the girls and the boys.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-25401054855887809152010-04-05T22:15:00.001-04:002010-04-05T22:15:48.078-04:00A trip to the CARDIOLOGISTI have an appointment with a cardiologist on wednesday. My pulmonologist is sending me to him because I have been short of breath for several months now and there hasn't any improvement there. There also hasn't been any deterioration either. He did an echo cardiogram and told me that there was nothing abnormal there. I think he is practicing a little defensive medicine.<br /><br />My lipids were fine a year ago and I really do not think I have any heart stuff going on. I have to be honest, I am a little concerned about the cardiologist being a fat hater. Every doctor that I have met through this hospital has been fair and some have been actually remarkably understanding about my fat. <br /><br />My pulmonologist sent me for am echo cardiogram which did not show anything abnormal.<br /><br />I think that my breathing troubles are about my lack of movement. I joined the Y and have been to one water aerobics class. I would like to get the these classes more often. I think that I can recondition myself to better breathing.<br /><br />I just want the cardiologist to be fair. If he is not, I will have to go see another one. I actually would like to get confirmation that there is nothing going on with my heart. I hope I get a sane enough doctor who can help me find out if that is in fact the case.<br /><br />Is there anyone out there that is willing to share via comments or via links any experiences with cardio docs from a HAES perspective and does anyone knows what medical tests/procedures can confirm that my heart is in fact healthy, please comment.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-24447037520981273612010-03-30T02:55:00.002-04:002010-03-30T03:26:03.301-04:00Citizen FatIt really feels like there is a huge uptick in the amount of media out there sharing some very important Fat Acceptance coverage that is either sympathetic and/or fairly communicated. <br /><br />At the same time I watched on one of the lists I follow the description of an attack on a health professional for raising some questions about claims being made about the benefit of weight loss surgery. These questions, asking for data and references to source material for the claims being made. Instead of addressing the questions about the data, the WLS advocates attacked the person for asking the questions.<br /><br />One of the <a href="http://www.therotund.com/?p=734">most dynamic takes on the scapegoating and fat hatred that I have seen, appeared on Marianne Kirby's blog,</a> The Rotund (read through the comments too) It really touched on so many important points and then the comments raised more.<br /><br />Then via the NAAFA list I was alerted to <a href="http://thestir.cafemom.com/toddler/100484/high_fructose_corn_syrup_and">this about the corn lobby producing commercials about the virtue of high fructose corn syrup.</a><br /><br />Just being plugged in enough to recognize an uptick in the coverage leads me to think a little about my own progress. I haven't found a place with my food yet that feels right, but I have made some progress in that I can recognize what feels better. I haven't found my way to regular movement that feels good, but I have found my way to drum circles and the pool at the Y. I am hesitant to think about being out there as an activist because of guilt about my disability and other various shame points that are a big part of my story, but when I had the opportunity I went right up to one of the outspoken fat haters who gets lats of media and called her on the lack of logic to some of her rantings.<br /><br />So I guess what I want to say is that I am growing as an informed citizen of the Fat Acceptance community and I am grateful for the many sources of education that come my way from being plugged into the various lists and feeds I belong to.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-57892095176781697492010-03-26T18:15:00.003-04:002010-03-27T16:54:14.035-04:00Dignity, Ryan Seacrest, Oprah, & Jamie OliverI just finished watching Oprah who had on Jamie Oliver to promote his new show the "Food Revolution" which goes on tv tonight.<br /><br />They showed a clip where a double size casket was shown. Oprah mentioned that these oversized caskets are a booming business. During the clip they spoke about how there is little chance for dignity when someone is buried in one of these caskets.<br /><br />Earlier in the show, a picture of a 11 year old Ryan Seacrest was shown as Ryan told Oprah how he was ashamed to go in the pool without a tee shirt on. The photo they showed was of a normal kid. Seriously, the fact that this photo was considered something to be ashamed of was in and of itself sad.<br /><br />They spoke about dignity. Shame on them. Ryan Seacrest letting kids think that being ashamed of their bodies when they swim is normal. If Ryan Seacrest thinks it, then it must be true. And what a shame, because swimming is great, fun, healthy movement.<br /><br />They spoke about dignity. Shame on them. How many kids do you think will be teased and shamed about needing a huge casket that requires a forklift when they die after this show is broadcast.<br /><br />You know, I did notice that when Oprah asked Jamie Oliver about how a family he worked with was doing he said this, "Well, Ya know, ultimately the family they're losing weight, I mean Justin whose 12 years old when I met him has lost 20, 30 pounds which is great but you've got to remember I am not doing a diet show. This is about real food. This is about health. There are just as manny unhealthy skinny people. We can't just label it as obesity. It is about what goes in us, medicating ourselves through food." <br /><br />He said this in front of a giant casket that Oprah's producers arranged to have wheeled out onto the stage.<br /><br />Shame on them. I guess it is a win when at least he says something like there are unhealthy skinny people. The town his show is centered around wasn't chosen because it was the unhealthiest town in the county. It was chosen because Huntington, West Virginia was listed by the CDC as one of the most obese cities in america.<br /><br />So I think Mr. Oliver is talking out of both sides of his mouth when he says "We can't just label it as obesity" when his show is framed around the most obese city in America.<br /><br />So I am upset. Because I agree with the nutritional stuff and the cooking and the variety of fresh in season produce that he is teaching about. I am upset because all this good information is on network tv because of the moral panic about obesity. This show is not on the air because there is an overwhelming concern about improving the health of all kids. It is about war on the obesity..<br /><br />I think that this show will have a greater effect on increasing the moral panic about obesity than it will in increasing the quality of the nutrition in schools and on the kitchen tables of America. There will be more teasing, bullying, self hatred and of fat kids and adults than heathy eating. <br /><br />So one of the things that bugs me about a lot of the blogging in out Size Acceptance Community is that most of what we do is point out the problems, identify with the angst. We are very light on solutions.<br /><br />So I will make one suggestion here. If you have any contact with teachers this weekend, please try to educate them a little about stigma and bullying and teasing. See if we can get a little empathy about the path a young fat person has to walk in school. See if a teacher can let a fat kind know that they can make efforts to improve their health that have nothing to do with decreasing their weight.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-57691707076364353282010-03-24T16:26:00.002-04:002010-03-24T16:47:24.590-04:00Redefining what it means to take care of my healthI have been lurking around the size acceptance blogging community for several weeks now. I have actually been having a hard time with pain management, side effects from meds, which has decreased the amount of movement I do considerably. So I have been feeling guilty for not trying hard enough.<br /><br />I really think the guilt is sort of an powerful echo of how I used to feel about myself and the amount of effort I put into not being fat. <br /><br />With the Health at Every Size movement, I not find myself feeling guilty about not putting in enough effort towards not being unhealthy, particularly with my movement.<br /><br />Today was a good day. I made it to a water aerobics class at the Y. I was happy to get there, and grateful to know that while I had to endure some pain to get there, I know that the movement will help me with the pain on all sorts of levels.<br /><br />While I am not a scientist or an academic, so I cannot tell you how it will help me, I do know that I enjoyed the movement. <br /><br />So I finally got some enjoyable movement in and I feel good about it. I also feel relief from the guilt of not doing enough. <br /><br />I'd really like to let go of that punitive self perspective about how I take care of myself. It's like a kind of PTSD, this guilt. Like all my life I have been yelled at, hated on, and told I was wrong for being fat. I think that I am somewhat transferring that guilt (or maybe just holding on to it) to my being engaged about my health.<br /><br />So I guess I need to re define what being engaged with my health to a supportive perspective even if I am using an unconventional timeline to take actions like the class at the Y that I got to today.<br /><br />Could it be that simply being plugged into Size Acceptance/HAES by lurking around the internet is actually an acceptable amount of engagement about my health?<br /><br />Dare I claim that the velocity that I move from self hating fatty to engaged advocate for my own happiness be okay just as it is?<br /><br />I gotta say I like the way that sounds.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-43873320865137309192010-02-22T13:29:00.004-05:002010-02-22T13:51:23.796-05:00Is Michelle Obama endorsing Child Abuse?Okay, I think we can all agree that our First Lady, Michele Obama is a smart woman.<br /><br />Could it be that Michelle Obama, in all the preparation for her "cause" never once was briefed on the negative effects of stigma on fat children. With all her resources and bright minds that must surround her, is it possible that this issue was never brought up? Could it be that no one ever put this information in front of her for her consideration? I just can't imagine that was the case. I suspect that because she has made some public comments that her cause is is not about the number on the scale that there had to be some discussion about this negative impact on many children in the United States.<br /><br />Assuming that the information about stigma was considered by the First Lady, I tried to think about what her thinking and decision making looked like which led to the current program she is promoting.<br /><br />One scenario is similar to something Paul Campos said after a panel he did on NRP where he pondered if there was a noble lie strategy being executed to get people engaged in her "cause". So I wonder if in a similar way that Mrs. Obama understood that her program would be the source of harm for many fat children but chose to ignore it and not speak of it, and allow it to happen as collateral damage in the pursuit of the "elimination of childhood obeisity in a generation".<br /><br />One of the public comments made by Kevin Smith during the Southwest episode was he saw the face of his daughter in the face of the fat women who was humiliated by an employee of Southwest.<br /><br />I wonder if Mrs. Obama could see the face of her children in the faces of all the fat children who will be almost certainly the subject of cruelty, bullying and other injuries as the result of her "cause". I wonder if she could allow this program to move forward with that knowledge.<br /><br />Even if the number of kids that would be the target of stigma was 1% of all kids (which while I have no science to back me up, this # has got to be an underestimate) could she actually have made a conscience choice to let that harm happen to that 1% of kids? To chose to let it happen to any kid? <br /><br />Is there any goal that could be worth creating that much hurt?<br /><br />If she knows about that facts that this harm will happen, and yet she choses to go forward with her program without specifically addressing this, what does that say about her morality. Isn't choosing to harm vs choosing not to harm a moral choice?<br /><br />Could she in fact be doing this to children intentionally? Even if she is actually not aware of this harmful aspect of her program, would that relieve her of the responsibility she has for the harm her program causes?<br /><br />So after all of that, I wonder what population would be best to target with a noble truth strategy about the harm on its way to our nations fat children and what can be done to prepare children to have the coping skills to work through all this harmful stigma? Would it be the therapists that some of them will be lucky enough to be treated by? Could school psychologists be given some sort of tools to help them help affected kids? School nurses? Is there some sort of conference that could be targeted to help raise the awareness of this aspect of Michele Obama's initiative?<br /><br />With all the hate noise out there, how can we avoid having that noise drown out this very important noble truth.<br /><br />Okay, just some of my thoughts. What are yours?nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-31801544401524745282010-02-07T15:59:00.002-05:002010-02-07T16:16:12.876-05:00More Thoughts about the ABC Nightline tapingI have been thinking a lot about my experience at the Nightline taping.<br /><br />I posted on my blog about this exchange and got great feedback via the comments section on my blog and on my favorite lists, <a href="http://www.sizediversityandhealth.org/index.asp">ASDAH</a> and <a href="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/fatstudies/">FAT STUDIES</a>.<br /><br />one of the fears I had about the activism part of my FA experience was being attacked and humiliated in public about my FA stance.<br /><br />over the past year when i would read the comments on the mainstream blogs and see such hatred for people who are fat I would quiver when thinking about having attack and hatred comments like those directed right at me. it made me frightened about going public with my FATNESS.<br /><br />on Friday when I went over to Meme, there were no cameras. I just wanted to ask her face to face, in a civil way, what she thought about diets not working and see if i could find a place to meet with her and her concerns.<br /><br />then moments later the nightline cameras and the boom guy with the mike appeared and I held my shit together with this person who is known for spewing hatred upon us while I questioned the logic of what she as saying.<br /><br />as most of us know, just because the news folks tape it doesn't mean it makes it to the broadcast or even onto the website.<br /><br />this was a transformative moment in my FA journey. I don't know if I would have walked up to her if the cameras were already there. I am glad they weren't because my thoughts would have been fogged by my concern about not hurting the FA community image on camera. <br /><br />I still don't know if the footage will make it onto the ABC NIGHTLINE website. It would be cool if it did and it was favorable to our movement, (not edited to make the FA position look bad) <br /><br />The real victory for me here is a personal one. It was in that moment that I stood my ground publicly against the stigma and oppression that has been a part of my entire life experience.<br /><br />I also want to take a moment to thank my friend, <a href="http://www.bodylovewellness.com/">Golda Portensky</a> for taking a photo of that moment for me as I think that moment is going to be one that I never forget and having a photo of it is "just too cool for school" Thanks Golda.nycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-36713696799307964522010-02-06T07:44:00.006-05:002010-02-07T12:38:22.376-05:00I debated Meme Roth today!! On TV (sort of)<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK7wvvoPiA_FfaNGEJb2PQjnf5USBoOFZ3H1A8pqHGHYqf2g-sFbs7UuLPtmbISc4TWg0QKnA7K7Z_H19gfVnyOnZPOS8snQkFO9T2kPib02b7F-G7SinA9N0ohLOCOH2GADjIGOo_N3s/s1600-h/photo+of+Ivan+with+credit-1.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK7wvvoPiA_FfaNGEJb2PQjnf5USBoOFZ3H1A8pqHGHYqf2g-sFbs7UuLPtmbISc4TWg0QKnA7K7Z_H19gfVnyOnZPOS8snQkFO9T2kPib02b7F-G7SinA9N0ohLOCOH2GADjIGOo_N3s/s320/photo+of+Ivan+with+credit-1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5435557254121335474" /></a><br /><br />Tonight was a good FA night for me. I went to the taping of an ABC Nightline sponsored debate. The title of the segment was a bit over the top, "Is it okay to be fat.?"<br /><br />So Marianne Kirby and Crystal Renn were seated together to the left of moderator Ju Ju Chang. Meme Roth and a women who runs some sort of diet counseling service, her credential being that she has lost and kept weight off for 7 years. (That is all I found out about her. I may be unaware of other credentials she had. She was very passionate about folks trying to loose the weight because of all the health problems they cause.)<br /><br />I was very apprehensive when I saw the first notice of this event. I didn't want to risk watching the folks that I came to support be ambushed. I was a little fearful that might happen. A producer from ABC contacted me directly through meetup.com because of the SizeAcceptanceSalon meetup group I organized. After getting an email confirmation from her that I could sit out of camera's shot I decided to go.<br /><br />Of note here is that I found the moderator fair and unbiased. Also interesting was that all the folks on the panel did not have professional credentials. They were there because their life experience is connected to Fat. We did not have any scientists there for the debate. The one exception to that is a colleague of Ju Ju Chang, a pediatrician was in the audience. <br /><br />I thought both Meme and Marianne did a good job of expressing their opinions. I got to learn a little bit more about Meme's motivations. <br /><br />The crux of Meme's argument was the impact on her insurance premiums because of fatty's eating themselves into very expensive health problems. I really wish I had the command of the studies that Linda Bacon or Marylyn Wann had because the studies that she and the Pediatrician pointed to could have been summarily crushed by the kind of deconstruction seen in Dr. Bacon's book.<br /><br />As the debate went on I noticed how most of what was being expressed was more about the personal experience of the speaker than any actual scientific support of either position. <br /><br />Every time Meme or the other women spoke about working on getting folks to lose weight, I thought to myself, why doesn't someone mention that diets don't work 95% of the time. Well when question time came I asked the question, I asked Meme if her concern was about health care costs, why would she want to support an intervention with a 95% failure rate. Meme clearly articulated that she has a real problem with people choosing to be victims, that our country accepts a defeatist attitude about this. That everyone should try even though 95% will fail.<br /><br />The moderator did not allow much time to ask a follow up question about Ms. Roth's flawed thinking about her healthcare costs which would have a 95% statistical likelihood to increase healthcare costs.<br /><br />But the real fun came after the debate. People were moving around and starting up little conversations with each other. I said hello to a few good friends, I shook Marianne's hand and thanked her. I looked over to Meme Roth and saw her sitting there talking to only one person and I decided to go right up to her and ask her a few questions. What I didn't realize was that the camera men were right behind me.<br /><br />I shook Meme's hand and introduced myself to her. I told her I have been involved on the Fat Acceptance movement for a little over a year now and then i asked her,why does she think she is so vilified by the Fat Acceptance community. She coyly answered that she is not a part of that community so she couldn't tell me. So then I asked her what is her major issue with the Fat Acceptance movement. She went back into the argument that it is unfair that her insurance premiums and taxes go up for irresponsible behaviors of others.<br /><br />I then challenged her on her support of dieting in the face of all the evidence that it has a 95% failure rate and supporting anything with a 95% failure rate is illogical. Then Ju Ju Chan came and sat down while Meme spoke about her need to have everyone keep on trying to be one of those 5 out of 100 folks that does keep the weight off . <br /><br /><br /><br />The way she framed it was on a moral basis. She spoke of the country's defeatism and how it can't be okay for people to stop trying. Meme tried to get me to talk about how many calories I eat and I told her I am not going to discuss that with her and went back to the failure rates. The women next to her (the one with the weight loss business who was on the panel becasue she lost over 100 pounds) said we cant ignore our health. I asked her about her business. I asked her if her success rate with her clients is higher than 5% and she immediately said yes. Then I asked her if she has 5 years of data to support that. She said she doesn't have five years of data. I told her that she can't claim any success yet if she doesn't have conclusive data.<br /><br />After my little exchange with them, I shook Meme's Hand and thanked her for her time and I walked away. Guess what, a very passionate women who was watching me talk with Meme came right up to me to let me know she has got the solution to my fatness and handed me a cd and her business card. I found out afterwards she did that to several people. I can just picture her talking with business coach and planning to hit the nightline taping and go get 5 new clients for her weight loss business. <br /><br />I wish I got in her face about the ridiculousness of her offer and the timing of it too. I took her cd and threw it out when I left the building.<br /><br />Anyway, I went right up to Meme Roth tonight and called her on her ridiculousness in front of cameras from Nightline. This in and of itself is a victory for me. It would be so wicked cool if the footage makes it to the nightline website.<br /><br />I have said to many of my FA friends, I just want to be happy, life a full and rich life. I am not interested in activism. I still am not sure about that aspect of my FA journey. <br /><br />I can definitely say it was really cool to stand in front of Meme Roth and question her about the logic of her position on dieting.<br /><br />Cheers,<br /><br />Ivannycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-71785688068512665772010-01-11T11:56:00.002-05:002010-01-11T11:58:40.676-05:00I am not my Brother's keeperThe fat acceptance and health at every size movement has positively affected my life. I have let go of the "dream" of being thin. I have met a bunch of wonderful people who generously welcomed me to this community and helped me understand this new paradigm about weight and health. I have had cathartic changes in the way I conceive of my worthiness which used to be smothered my my concepts around weight and fatness.<br /><br />With the exception of my birth mother and one of my brothers, I have discovered that discussing my experience with fat acceptance is futile because they are so steeped in the cultural fear and hatred of fat.<br /><br />My Mother still gets concerned when I order a big portion of food and makes a comment or two. When I address her comments with whatever feels right for me at the time, she listens and honors my boundaries. I know she doesn't quite understand what this FA stuff is, but she does make an effort.<br /><br />My youngest brother is a prince. He reads my blog, does his own research, asks questions in the spirit of wanting to understand. My brother doesn't expect me to change. He wants me to be happy. He is concerned about the risks to my health, but he gets it. I love him so much. His empathy and his love and warmth are invaluable.<br /><br />I live in New York City. He lives with his family in Hartford, CT. I don't get to see him, his wife, and my two delicious nephews as often as I'd like to. This past Sunday I went up to Hartford for a visit. As we ate lunch he told me about his New Years Resolution to do something about his weight and health. He said that as the year came to an end and he was weighing more than 200 pounds, it was time to do something about it.<br /><br />He actually said that he is starving himself. His wife quickly corrected him and said that he wasn't. However, as I listened to him explain what he is doing I discovered that was exactly what he is doing. In an instant I knew how things were going to turn out. He may keep this effort up for some time. He may only last a few more days. The point is that the organism that is my brother will eventually win in my brothers battle with his set point. He told me about cutting out all cookies and sugar snacks and that he is stopping eating just before he is feeling full. He told me he struggles in the evening with hunger, but in the morning when he wakes, the hunger as passed. He said he lost 5 pounds in the first week, He was happy to report about using his treadmill in the morning and how great that feels.<br /><br />I started to talk to him about the set point stuff. I wanted to ask him to look back over his history and acknowledge that every start he has made towards fitness has ended with defeat. I wanted to point out to him that breaking the 200 pound mark is indicative of the progressive effects of yo-yoing. I wanted to suggest to him that he make his entire focus about his fitness and let his weight find the place that is belongs. I want him to understand how much harder he is making it for himself by deliberately staying in a state of hunger. I hoped that he could see that forcing his body to lose weight will marshall all his biological systems to get him to put the weight back on. I want him to see how much higher his chances for success are if he keeps his focus on the fitness and eats when he feels hungry and stops eating when he feels satisfied. To hell with the scale.<br /><br />But I had to consider that my brother doesn't have any expectations of me changing my behavior. He supports me in my pursuit of happiness. When he asks questions, they are in the spirit of getting a clear understanding of what I am thinking. So I decided to let it be. My brother will find what is best for him.<br /><br />My brother is a great guy. He is a wonderful husband and father. His boys, (my nephews) are too delicious for words. He is also the person on earth that knows me better that anyone. So if he wants to diet and exercise himself to smaller waist, then that is his right. While his up and down weight cycling is undeniable, he is doing just fine. He feels great (both physically and mentally) when he is in the rhythm of working out. Yes, he eventually feels bad when he stops, but he handles it.<br /><br />I can't know what is best for my brother. I do suspect that a modification to his approach here that is more in sync with HAES, has a better chance of lasting longer. I also know that I am not his keeper. <br /><br />I want nothing but happiness for him, which is the same thing that he wants for me. Thanks to this movement I now know that my happiness is not contingent on what I weigh.<br /><br />Cheers,<br /><br />Ivannycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4531506767067177426.post-68434407785330279712009-12-12T12:19:00.001-05:002009-12-12T12:20:25.622-05:00Morality of my Fat AcceptanceI have been painfully introspective the past few weeks. I think that my quest for self awareness may have taken on a life of its own. In my looking within, I think I have been overlooking some obvious things going on around me that are very important in my Fat Acceptance Journey.<br /><br />If you have read through my blog, or seen the type of comments I leave on other blogs, (with the exception of Shapely prose who moderate my comments for some reason unknown to me) you will see that my journey through Fat Acceptance has been an emotional one, with little spotlights here and there about my health. <br /><br />One of the things that happened for me when I started blogging, is that I fond myself involved in community. This is a good thing. The good emotions I experienced as I jumped in feet first were cathartic. As many of us can understand, having been rejected, admonished, stigmatized, and discriminated against from almost any community I was involved with throughout my life, having people smile at me, acknowledge the validity of my thoughts, encourage me, seemed like a nirvana manifested.<br /><br />I was lucky enough to meet an hang out with Marylyn Wann at the ASDAH convention who invited me to join her list-serve and has been very generous with her comments and support there. Linda Bacon was kind enough to comment on a blog post I did from a very frightened place, others in the community who would respond to my postings were also very kind. As I was learning about the lay of the land of the fat-o-sphere, making new friends, and working through the sppedbumps and potholes with my family, I became encouraged that I could actually figure out a way to a happy life and let go of the self hatred and shame that was at the core or my psyche.<br /><br />So now I am more aware of the politics of the movement, I have a better understanding of (not complete) privilege, I understand what set point theory is, and I have dabbled in improving my nutrition and my movement. <br /><br />So here is where I go into the "good fatty/bad fatty" introspection. But before that, there is another aspect that has captured my attention lately about this wonderful community. <br /><br />And it is a wonderful community. It is not perfect. But I find for the most part, it is filled with well intentioned, principled folks with whom I have a lot in common.<br /><br />Here is the rub. Being in the community had become more important to me than actually moving forward with what this community promotes around my nutrition and movement. I haven't found (and I have been looking) for a voice or a segment of the community that says just eat whatever you want and only move if you are motivated to, otherwise just stay at home, motionless and eat anything you want to. You are accepted Ivan! We accept you. It is not your fault. You are not responsible. The nasty fat hating world has wronged you and now your "Peeps" in the fat o sphere will let you know that everything you are doing (actually everything I am not doing) is okay.<br /><br />Well, is it? I am not feeling good about the type of stuff I eat, the amount of stuff I eat, or the way I eat it. I am ashamed of my lack of movement. I do not want to talk about this or write about this. <br /><br />I was feeling good about the walking I was doing, and that I have added a few vegetables to my food, I was taking some time to check in with what my body was hungry for, etc. One of my mantra's was as long as I am moving in the right direction, I am good. Another mantra was; I am working on my health because my mental health is a big part of it, so coming to terms with all the stuff that Fat Hatred, Stigma, etc etc did to me is working on my health.<br /><br />However, lately, my attention has been on what I am eating and how much movement I am getting. I would not want to post what I eat and the amount of movement I get ( basically enough to get my to and from the bathroom and to and from the kitchen) Some of the lack of movement is legitimate pain from my big medical drama 2.5 years ago, and some of it is just plain slothfulness. The food is a story in and of itself.<br /><br />Yet, I am hesitant to reach out for help with my food or my movement because an alarm goes off in my head saying I am not accepting myself, if I look at my food like a problem that needs to be fixed. It is too important that I accept myself. fail fail fail…. <br /><br />Yet I have to be honest and say that my food is not healthy. I cannot deny it. Which is what it seems to me I have been doing.<br /><br />This laziness manifests itself in the low quality of the food I eat, (fast foodish, processed, sugary, cake and cookieish eating) and in the very limited amount of movement I get. Part of it is that the pain meds I take from the "medical drama" take away my mental sharpness and I sleep a lot. I can get some movement in when I take them though. So I am doing this juggling act between, pain meds, sleep, wanting to be able to read and pay attention, wanting to get more movement, and the idiot box that doesn't demand anything from me other that sitting in front of it and looking in its direction.<br /><br />I am not depressed, although I did consider that. I am just tired. And a voice in my head is also telling me I am just lazy and don't want to work that hard.<br /><br />Ya know, if there was some research out there that was endorsed by the likes of Wann and Bacon, that said and individual like me, in circumstances like mine, has as his best bet at a happy life is to just accept that very little movement and eating large quantities of food and spending most of your day watching tv.<br /><br />I know in my heart of hearts that this is not okay.<br /><br />I am still a card carrying member of FA. I definitely understand that trying to loose weight is a loosing proposition for someone like me. I am just feeling a little suffocated from all the moral judgement I am buying into about what by most standards could be considered Sloth.<br /><br />I can play my medical condition card here. My blog details all the medical trauma and drama that has been part of my life. I am disabled from the last episode. Yet, there is room for more movement, I think, if I push myself through the pain so I don't have to take more pain meds. There is room for healthier choices about what I eat, about how much I eat. <br /><br />I just do not want to go back to a life a shame, self hatred, and walking around my life apologizing for taking up two seats everywhere I go.<br /><br />I want to feel good about the decisions I make around nutrition and movement while taking into account that the meds are a hurdle to the movement, and all the delicious goodies I like to keep stocked in the house are a hurdle to better nutrition.<br /><br />I am very interested in hearing what folks have to say about this.<br /><br />Cheers,<br /><br />Ivannycivanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06859320328941470255noreply@blogger.com22