fat in nyc

wow 6 months since my last post

2011-08-07T11:13:00.003-04:00

Hello Fat-o-Sphere,

I really miss you guys and gals. I have been under water for quite a long time. The reality of it is that I am ashamed of myself.

It is hard to write this post. I want to explain all the facts of my medical stuff, my emotional stuff, my financial stuff et al.

Long story short is that there was a perfect storm of all sorts of stuff going bad in my life and I had no strength to do almost anything to deal.

So I sleep.

So I don't go out.

So I stop blogging.

and so on, and so on, and so on.

The few times I do talk to someone about what is going on with me, (mostly with my brother who is a prince with the way he does not judge me) I almost always come to the place where I think that losing some weight would bring so much relief to my problems.

Then I remember all I have learned and I realize that is not a viable option. Then I feel a little hopeless. Then I go to sleep.

It feels like I have become the cliche homebound obese man. Not the knock the wall down and use a crane to get me to the hospital fat. But the rarely go out kind.

The problems that I choose to not deal with aren't insurmountable. I just can't summon the will to do anything about them.

While I know I can start to address these issues without trying to loose weight, the weight does make it much harder to move and motivate.

I couldn't even get myself to Washington for the convention which was more about shame than physical ability.

Maybe I will get into details of health in some future posts and open myself up to the compassion of those here on the sphere that understand my stuff better than any others.

For now, I just want to check in and connect from my default lurking position.

Conditional Love/Conditional Hate-- Guess the condition

2011-01-27T06:42:00.002-05:00

You know that moment when you recognize that you are watching a commercial for some sort of weight loss product, or that feeling of disappointment when you hear a Fat joke or some other message supporting the Fat Hatred that is a part of the world we live in.

It happens all the time. Everyday. Every hour. Every minute. On top of that, there seems to be a new crop of shows about very fat people trying to loose weight. Even Rachel Ray started her season introducing a young fat girl, a senior in high school, who agreed to accept the show's help with her weight (and the show's cameras to document her struggles) for a new feature that call "80 pounds by Prom" There is new clone of The Biggest Loser that follows two very fat folks try to make their "Lifestyle" change before the six months of free trainers, nutritionists, and medical observation all expire. These is a MTV type show called, "I used to be Fat" where fat high school seniors are given a summer of free personal training and some cooking advice so they can go off to college skinny and prepared to stay skinny for the rest of their lives.

You in the FA world know that feeling of disappointment as we see fatties being told they are going to die and early death, or never get married, or some other bullshit that we know isn't valid…. or helpful for that matter. I really like Jimmy Kimmel, and every time he goes for the fat joke, I am disappointed in him because he is so much smarter that the cheap fat joke.

How about the anger and rage. Like when a diet supplement TV commercial touts that a university's double blind study confirmed that it works, and actually 88% of all the weight lost was belly fat! oh joy.

The frustration when a cooking segment talks about how much weight you can loose by cooking the food in a better way.

The feeling of defeat when Michelle Obama says something about her program that we all know will translate into some fat kid getting more messages of how wrong they are to want to eat and how bad it is that they look the way they do. Children being supported in hating themselves with generous help provided by our government, paid for by cutting the food stamp program designed to keep people from starving.

Today's feeling was profound sadness courtesy of the MTVish show. The young girl featured who during the intro talks about how important getting married is and how she knows no one will want her in her disgusting state. She is so self hating about what she looks like. Then cut to the father talking about how her daughter dreams of getting married, but, sadly, guys want girls who are thin and pretty, and his daughter is going to have to work very hard to stop being fat and ugly and unloveable, and condemned to a life of profound loneliness. (I am embellishing, of course) Cut to another scene at the dinner table when Dad asks our Fat college bound young lady what kind of wedding she dreams of, his passive aggressive way to tell her to not eat so much.

I was so sad for a couple of hours thinking about the crimes against humanity that are perpetrated on fat children all the time. I was sad that a Father would let his daughter think she isn't pretty. I flash back to some of the hateful, abusive things my Father said to me when I was a young boy, things that I internalized and bought into as the Gospel. Things that I still struggle with. The biggest being my lovability.

My Fucking Lovability! Even today, although I know that it is all based on lies, I still battle with feelings about my worth, especially when it comes to being the subject of a woman's desire. How tragic that we teach folks that their lovability is in question. No one's lovability should every be questioned.

I have a fantasy. I meet a television producer who really understands what FA and HAES is about, and we do a six month intensive around HAES and Size Acceptance. Sort of like the show Heavy, but teaching all our participants the tenants of HAES and Size Acceptant and we show how all their relationships go through that common reaction to a decision to stop trying to loose weight. I think it could be compelling television.

When I stop fantasizing about producing tv shows and come back to center and I honor my feelings that came up when I watched a show on TV where I saw that Father make his approval of his daughter conditional on what she looks like. I honor the sadness and pain that live in all my cells as memories of sad times gone by.

I also honor myself by writing about this. I feel connected and valued as I think about folks on the feeds reading this and shaking their heads in agreement and recognition. I honor myself by recognizing that most of the world not only doesn't want to hear what we have to say, they actually think we are crazy and out of touch. I am honored to be connected into our little corner of the universe, our determined little sub culture, where we understand that Fat is not bad. It is just fat. Where we understand that we are not bad, we are awesome, courageous, trailblazers who boldly go forth knowing our value and taking care of ourselves.

I'm not an animal!!!

2011-01-13T22:20:00.001-05:00

When I get right down to it I don't feel human. I feel that 405 or 410 pounds on my 5'8" frame disqualifies me from the human race. With the exception of the friends there already know me and my family, I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I don't feel like I'm a candidate for a job. You don't feel like I would never be considered as a romantic prospect (by a heterosexual woman) I've often said to friends that I wish I was gay because at least the gay community has the sub community of the Bears. I know I'm a little down and feeling a little sorry for myself today. The good thing is I got my physical exercise and I don't have to figure out this whole not feeling human thing tonight. Anyway here's some rambling thoughts from today related to my fat acceptance journey…

I caught the second half of the show on MTV called “I used to be fat” it was about a high school senior preparing to go to college and it tracked his work with a personal trainer and the process of getting more fit and getting ready for college.

My fat acceptance glasses made me suspicious of this young man's chances to maintain the significant weight loss over the long-term. I found myself wanting him to be successful. I mean over the long run in the next couple of years when the show will have forgotten him. I hope for him that as he left home and went out on his own that the habit of working out and cooking in a healthy way would stay with him and he would not have to suffer the indignities that our culture thrusts upon that people.

There was one scene when he came back home to visit after the first couple of weeks away at college and had lost a little more weight and was wearing jeans for the first time in a long time. Everyone in the family praised him for his looks, and everyone in the family was joyously happy for him.

I also feel a lot of sadness for all the young fat people graduating from high school who choose not to go to college because of the stigma out there. I personally, had to drop out of school for health problems and I never went back and finished. So this particular episode brought up a lot for me.

I guess I saw this guy start his college career, really his adult life, completely bought into the culture's bias against fat. I thought about the odds of him gaining the weight back and how the entire show framed isn't higher life problem around his size. And while I hope for him that he is one of the 5%, I equally hope that he finds a way to love and believe in himself if his body weight goes back to where it was throughout his entire adolescence which you and I both know is probable.

I also saw Seth Rogen on one of the night talk shows and he mentioned that he cannot fit into any of the close he bought when he was at his thinnest for his upcoming movie the Green Hornet. Yes I know he's Hollywood but he started in Hollywood fat and I wonder if he gains back the weight if he will continue his successful career. I guess I'm just wondering out loud what Hollywood will do with him if he gains weight back. Will they punish him by only giving him the fat clown roles going forward. There was a movie he did I think it was called nine months when he played the lead and he was heavyset. Some very curious to watch out things progress with Seth Rogen.

I know this post really doesn't have a central theme but these are few things that I've been wondering about. The last thing I want to ponder about is the very well-received website big boy fashion. I think it's great that these guys are doing what they're doing. I just find myself thinking if they consider themselves big boys what the heck am I. And I know this has nothing to do with them or their body size or shape and everything to do with the own insanity inside my head.

Just thinking out loud tonight.

Smarts

2011-01-13T22:18:00.000-05:00

I consider myself a pretty smart guy. My blog is more of a “this is my experience as I navigate fat acceptance, and a sort of journal/diary.

Over the last two years as I've kept up with the fat acceptance blogs on the feeds, I have been intimidated often. The quality of the writing, the intellectual level of discussion, the academic atmosphere of many of the blogs, are both impressive and intimidating.

While I consider myself very smart, I've always struggled with school and deadlines and time management. On top of that I find reading very difficult. The part about reading I find very difficult is that I have such a short attention span that I can actually be two or three pages into something having actually read the words and have absolutely no idea what was said in the last two pages and have to go back and reread. I don't think I'm dyslexic. But I know that I am nowhere in any way close to the level of intellectual horsepower of many people who blog regularly here on the feed.

I fantasize sometimes about getting involved in school again. I've tried to go back to times since I dropped out back in 1986. Each time was the same thing, flameout before the end of the semester. Whether it was a psychology class or a writing class… to a simple photography class, every time was the same result I just didn't finish.

I have something called amblyopia which I've been told is also called lazy eye. From kindergarten into second or third grade they put a patch on my good eye to force me to use my weaker eye. I've always had a hunch that some how my brain wiring… when it comes to reading and writing was skewed in some way that has something to do with the vision in my right eye being impaired and wearing a patch over my good eye during kindergarten and first grade in a little bit of second grade.

I know that when I write from the heart and just talk about what's going on for me and not worry about how it sounds that I connect with lots of people in the feed. I think that simply because the experiences that I talk about are so universal within fat acceptance that people can identify. And I know when I connect with someone else that gets me I feel good.

I'm very grateful to all the amazing really and people who inspire, impress, and intimidate me with their talents when it comes to writing. However I also worry about how my poor grammar and writing skills reflect on me.

I'm also grateful when I can just accept that it's okay for me to be the writer/blogger that I am and not do the compare and despair dance.

I've been inside the house today and yesterday due to weather. I've gotten my exercise in using the dance program on the Wii from a sitting position. My heart rate and my breathing rate gets elevated and I totally feel it in my shoulders. And it's actually more fun than walking although I think that I'm doing more core strength building walking than sitting doing this dance program so when the weather allows, back to the walking.

Good Day or Bad Day...What's the Difference?

2011-01-11T21:25:00.003-05:00

Since the beginning of November I have been walking almost every single day for at least 15 min.

Most of the time it's a struggle to get out and going, but it's a lot easier to get to it living here with mom who helps me to get going simply by asking me, “When are you going to take your walk?” Once I get on my way, I'm able to find aspects of what's going on around me that are enjoyable. So on one front it's enjoyable movement. On another front it's a complete act of discipline done solely because I was completely sedentary and just walking became too much for me.

Thankfully I'm able to see noticeable improvements since I started this daily regime of a 15 min. walk. I feel more sturdy on my feet. Most of the time I'm nowhere near as winded as I was when I first started doing the walk two months ago. Moving around is little easier which is indicating to me that I am getting a little more strength back just from this one simple activity.

There are many things going on in my life right now that when I spend too much time thinking about them I am upset, disappointed, and just generally feel bad.

When I spent time thinking about where I'm at and where I want to go and how far the distance there is between those two points I am discouraged. I try to stay away from that kind of thinking and when I find myself doing it I say to myself the only thing I have to do today is my walk. As long as I get my walk in the day is a win.

So today with the big storm bearing down on the Northeast, the roads being a little icy from the last storm, I took the action of going to the local mall and doing my 15 min. walk there.

It's a small victory, but it's something positive to focus on. My intuition is telling me that it's very important for me to focus on things that feel good, that are positive.

This also requires the skill of being able to not focus on all the messages that come from within and without that judge my situation and make conclusions that are negative about who I am, what I do, and what I am worth.

I got my walk-in today, and that's a win.

2011-01-10T20:57:00.002-05:00

I've been following a conversation over at Silentbeeps blog about friends that know about our fat acceptance activities who make fat phobic comments.

Today when I saw my mother she said something to the effect of, “that's a really nice shirt it makes you look thinner.”

We had an interesting conversation about how her comment supports the stigma. She politely listened and offered her own defensiveness which is par for the course when discussing this with my mom. I wasn't particularly upset or angry or irritated. I just found it interesting to note that making one look's appear to be thinner is equated with good thing.

I know this basic 101 stuff, however, I'm glad that I was able to recognize it for what it was without having to get upset or irritated.

It's a nice shirt, period.

Shame Shame Shame...

2011-01-08T19:25:00.001-05:00

Hello fat acceptance universe!

I miss you. I've been underwater emotionally for several months. I've been lurking around the sphere, but I've been isolating because of the hard times I've been having.

One of my dear friends and fellow bloggers recently let the community know that they were dealing with several serious health issues and had feelings of embarrassment about that fact.

It's definitely bullshit but it's powerful bullshit this feeling shame for being fat, for having health issues, for just being.

I'm blogging today because I can't not blog. I am blogging today because she inspired me to "come clean" with these thoughts.

I haven't blogged because I felt such shame about how "poorly" I have been doing. Fearful of the fantasy inside my head that goes something like this… One of my family members or a future employer or a critic of the fat acceptance movement takes what I write in my blog and uses it against me in some shape or manner. The problem with this is that most of my progress and victory over the spirit killing shame attached to all this stuff comes from sharing about it and having conversations via blogging. I get to connect with people who understand me. I get acknowledgment about my struggle. But most of all I just feel like I found the place where I belong. And I've spent my entire life feeling like I don't have the right to belong.

I already know there are people reading this and nodding their heads in recognition. My fellow citizens of the “sphere” can understand this because they've lived it.

I have spent the last year in this emotional paralysis and physical limitations which are related to my size and weight. I am in the midst of this battle that pits my fat acceptance knowledge against my old beliefs about me somehow being at fault for not trying hard enough.

The more I thought about it, the more overwhelming it felt. So I decided to just not deal with it. And I basically wound up in this sedentary zone of inaction.

Lots of health stuff going on, however, all the measurements that we use to indicate health, blood pressure, cholesterol, liver function, say that there's nothing wrong with me. Yet I was paralyzed three years ago and I still have not regained my core strength. I still have residual numbness and paralysis. I still need pain meds to function, except they are double edged sword in that it also limits me in many ways (feeling exhausted, lack or concentration, etc.)… Yet I get winded just from walking. Most of the time I'm pretty uninspired and just leaving the apartment became a huge chore. Objectively looking at it it's hard not to call it depression. That being said in my heart of hearts I do not think I am depressed. I'm uninspired. I don't like that it takes so much energy to move my body. And I really don't like sharing about this. My mind is racing right now wondering about all the judgment that people will be making about me and my situation.

Last November I moved back in with my family because I screwed up something with one of my disability income policies and I had to make the choice between health insurance or rent. As much as I love New York City and as much as it is embarrassing and scary to acknowledge that I moved back home, the thought of being without health insurance is much more scary.

There has been a lot of really good stuff that's gone on since I made this move. Really good good stuff that I wanted to blog about but I was too ashamed about moving back home… I feel like there is a giant "L" tattooed on my head.

I'm glad I finally got around to writing this post because I need to feel connected to the community of people who understand what it's like to be obese in the world and a culture and economy and a dating universe, as a patient in medical settings, in all these different segments of my reality where our culture stacks the deck against me.

My mind is racing with all the things I want to blog about. It feels like a dam that's about to burst because I've been too ashamed to post. And regarding future employment opportunities, there probably is some risk to being so forthcoming about what I'm up against.

My gut tells me that the benefits of reconnecting with my fellow tribe members will outweigh that risk.

Does anyone relate to this stuff? Any victories over shame that you care to share about or link to if you blogged about it?

shameless solicitation for fatty love

2010-11-18T21:07:00.003-05:00

I was inspired by this post about what FA is not and I wrote the followng comment on that blog.. I am posting my comment here because I could use some fatty love from the sphere.

.....

While I agree with everything in this post, I am saddened and angered with the realization that most people refuse to even consider the validity of my FA/HAES beliefs.

I wish there was a non virtual "island of misfit toys" for my fellow fatties with health and mobility issues. The internet community of FA/HAES folks is wonderful and I appreciate all my friends and associates I connect with virtually. IRL, I am lonely.

I have very limited mobility and very limited pulmonary function. I am very fat. I deal with chronic pain and numbness from my shins to my toes that are consequences of emergency surgery three years ago which was unrelated to my weight. Walking is difficult. The thought of all the venomous stigma hurled at my beautiful fat body on a mobility scooter is frightening and I am not ready to confront those demons.

When folks who don't know me look at me, they think I ate myself into disability. They think I am deluded when I use the phase unrelated to my weight.

There is no-one in my family life, save for my brother, who does not constantly confront and blame me about not doing enough for my health. I do have to give credit to my mother for trying though.

And I am so very in sync with this post that I have found a little peace and happiness knowing that there is nothing wrong with my choices.

I know that trying to explain the logic of my choices (about food, health FA, HAES, etc) to most, especially family, is a waste of time and impossible. Some family members see me as a heroin addict on the street that needs an intervention. They refuse to have a civil conversation about my beliefs. They refuse to stop telling me why my thinking and beliefs are wrong. They cannot help themselves from trying to get me to see my fat, my choices, my beliefs are wrong, selfish and insist that I make some sort of commitment to action in line with their beliefs.

Sooooo I had to set boundaries with them. I told them for my mental health and peace of mind, I will no longer discuss these issues with them and I will not accept any comments from them on issues of health, weight, fitness, food.

I have had to choose between these beliefs and very valuable personal relationships. I let my sister go with love. I do not speak to a very close long time family friend anymore, I have a very shallow and arms length relationship with my father and step mother.

I am being true to myself and my beliefs by giving up these relationships. I miss my sister.

Sorry to drift a little here, but your post brought this stuff to the surface for me and I had to write.

Another Family Gathering

2010-09-19T02:52:00.001-04:00

I have been really down on myself and struggling in a depression. I have had much better days. I have been in this funk for a long time and I have no idea how, when, or if a shift into a better space is gonna come.

One of the places for me that is tough is visiting with my parents. I have hard boundaries with them about discussing my weight, health, & exercise. My last few visits with them, I have had to defend the boundaries. Just a little bit with my stepmom who always pokes at the electric fence that are these boundaries. She is coming from place of concern and in this funk of mine, I am so tempted to buy back into the fantasy of losing weight making my life better.

So basically, when I do see my parents, there is always a moment of uncomfortability in wondering when my stepmom is going to violate the boundary and I am going to have to defend it. Sometimes, it is as simple as just changing the subject. Sometimes it is just as simple as saying I don't want to talk about it. I feel uncomfortable for little bit, but then we get on to the task of visiting with each other. By the way, I enjoy visiting with them. We share the same politics and that is mostly where we spend our time connecting.

Today, there was a family gathering for the Jewish Holiday. I arrived first (which I rarely do) and the greeting from my parents for so overtly loving it took me by surprise. My father said "You are so beautiful" My stepmom gave me a lovely hug and a heartfelt greeting. There was no mention of my weight. We just sat down and started visiting.

Shortly after, other siblings and their kids started arriving and I was very conscience of how nice it was to be with my family, be part of my family, and see all my nephews, my niece, my sister and my three brothers along with all their spouses.

The den where we were hanging out in has two chairs and a couch. The couch is high up and easy for me to get out of. One of the chairs is low to the floor and not as easy for me. I found myself in this chair and as soon as I sat down, I signaled to my brother that I might need his help to get up. A few minutes later I positioned myself to get up and as I was standing up, I started to stumble back toward the chair but I caught my balance. As I started to stumble, my stepmother let out a shriek of panic that stopped as soon as I caught my balance and I looked at her and exclaimed that I am alright.

A little while after that my stepmother was moving around the room and I asked her to hand me my cell which I had left on the table next to the low chair. As she handed it to me she said something to the effect of …"I look forward to when you can just jump up and get the phone yourself." I took my phone and ignored her comment. On my way out at the end of the evening, we said our goodbyes and she said to me, "I know you know so I m not going to say anything" which was her way of poking at the no weight talk boundaries as I was leaving.

I think the reason that I do not go ballistic apeshit with her when she "pokes at my fence" is because there is still a part of me that thinks I should lose weight. A part that equates weighing less with happier and more comfortable.

I know that losing weight is and has always been a no win for me. So I don't go toe to toe with my stepmother about her comments because I want to have a relationship with my parents.

It is just tough because I am depressed, I am uncomfortable, I am unmotivated and when I think about what my next steps might be to improve my situation, I find myself unwilling to do anything.

I cannot talk to the parents about this because they are incapable a saying anything and all they can do is scream obesity boooga boooga at me.

I do have a few friends and my brother who I can and do talk to about this stuff so I am grateful for that.

I was glad to hang with the family today, even with stepmoms little pokes.

HUGE - FAT HATE- Self Policing ON Facebook?

2010-08-17T22:42:00.003-04:00

very interesting… the facebook page for huge had an entry today about the actor who plays lan. The comments were ll positive except one and that hateful comment was shunned by the rest of the thread. I never saw that before…. how about that? to top it off, the hateful comment was removed not sure by whom....

This strikes me as awesome

here it is http://www.facebook.com/posted.php?id=291021791680&share_id=127808647265733&comments=1#s127808647265733

Save, Repair, Your Favorite Pair of Jeans

2010-07-23T17:45:00.005-04:00

Hey everyone,,,, just a quick post about something I just saw featured on a local news show called LX New York http://www.nbcnewyork.com/shows/lxnewyork/

They featured a company that repairs denim jeans. I know over the years I have thrown away perfectly good jeans because only the area between the thighs had worn away. This company has you go online and mark up a diagram of your jeans where you want them repaired. You then mail them your jeans and they send you an quote to repair them. They also have a service where they can convert regular jeans into maternity jeans and then turn them back after the baby comes.

They are here in NY but they also do this service thru the mail.

The company is called Denim Therapy http://denimtherapy.com/repairnow-var1/?gclid=CIOS6p7NgqMCFdFN5QodHCBzaQ and I figured that there may be some in our community that will be happy to know about them.

Cheers,

Ivan

NO NEW KNEES FOR YOU!! unless I can amputate your stomach first

2010-07-10T01:20:00.002-04:00

Hello Friends,

My mom and I are hanging out with an old family friend tomorrow who lives in Florida, She and my mom are both in their mid 60's.

This friend, who for the purpose of this post I shall call judy, weighs between 300 and 400 pounds. She also has arthritic knees and while I am not 100 % up on the details of her situation, I will describe them as I understand them. I will get very clear on the details tomorrow as we have plans to hang out all afternoon.

Here is the deal. The doctors wanted her to loose weight before they replace her knees, So they advised her to have the lap band procedure. She did this about two years ago. If she lost any weight, she gained in back. So the knees are still not replaced and she lives with horrible pain.

I assume they went to adjust the lap band to force it to work and get her to loose weight and guess what? They cannot find the device. I never heard of that before. It is not around her stomach and they cannot locate it. So guess what the docs are gonna do now. After the lap band failed. They are still not going to do the operation to replace her knees because surgery is too risky at her weight. What they are going to do is amputate her stomach with a full gastric bypass and while they are in there, they hope to find the dislodged lap band device. Apparently the risks of this surgery is acceptable. It just seems so very wrong that the Doctors are willing to risk her life this way.

I feel horrible for her. Worse is that in the few times that I have spoke about fat acceptance with her, she has been completely unreachable.

I am going to try to reach her again tomorrow. Surely folks in our community can understand the injustice of doctors refusing to provide the pain relieving knee replacements but encouraging the life threatening stomach amputation. Further, we have the insight to understand how someone like my mother's friend Judy could agree with the doctors about the bypass surgery before the knee surgery.

I anticipate my discussions with Judy falling on deaf ears tomorrow. I am sick with sadness about this.

Please friends, send me your good vibes to my brain so what I say tomorrow to her has value.

Gratitude for the Sphere

2010-07-03T17:11:00.003-04:00

I am very grateful that there are so many smart activist voices out there discussing Size Acceptance. I myself have been not only been under the radar, but almost completely "off grid" when it comes to following the sphere and watching the different developments and issues here.

Long story short on my absence has been a crisis of confidence about my health choices and a really difficult battle with my own "Bad Fattie Guilt". I probably will blog about it more but right now I just want to say thank you to all the voices on the sphere waiting for me in my special inbox dedicated to the sphere.

Cheers,

Ivan

MAN UP!! -- Bias, Hatred, and Prejudice, Oh My!!

2010-04-22T12:15:00.005-04:00

Dr Puhl from Yale did a blog post about the study showing how political candidates are judged when the only variable is their weight. As most of us would expect, the women got the worse reaction for being heavy. The surprising data out of this research is that people have a more favorable opinion of heavy male politicians that thin male politicians.

This got me thinking again about how the male perspective is underrepresented on the sphere. It also got me thinking about how my perspective about this may be unique to me.

Having been around our online community for almost two years now, I am totally tuned into the fact about women having it harder on an overall basis than men do when it comes to weight bias and fat hatred. I get it. Heck, until I got involved in the community I had no understanding about privilege even though I possess it in many ways solely for being white, hetero, and male.

Yet, I cannot help feel that my experience is diminished because as a man I do not have it nearly as bad as a women do in terms of Fat Hate. It gets me asking myself questions like, "What's wrong with me." "Am I one of the only guys that feels the profound sense of oppression for being 400 pounds?"

On top of this I also feel that in terms of good vs. bad fatty, I land squarely in the bad column which I have posted about in the past and will post more about in the future.

I think that what it may boil down to is that I am still working through the powerful programming that taught me I was bad, lazy, unworthy, pitiful, disgusting etc, It still has a choke hold on me. I am just lucky to have two fingers between my neck and that choke hold thanks to the Fat Acceptance community. I am constantly questioning myself. Sadly, the foundation of my self doubt are all those years of the hateful, biased, moral panic induced blitzkrieg designed by a variety of forces all serving their own self interests. Worse yet, not being honest to themselves when they frame their greed based motives as genuine concern for my well being. ughh!

So I am the subject of a mindfuck so comprehensive, so intense, so huge that I struggle to not beat myself up all the time for not doing enough to move from the bad fatty column to the good fatty column.

the kicker is, that even if I found my way into the good fatty column, I'd still be living in a society that hates me.

I think that recognizing that this is a battle that I cannot win overnight. I have to take it a little at a time.

It feels really big to me and I am struggling with all of this right now. Part of me thinks that I am some sort of weakling, somehow too soft, too whiney, to defective because, heck, men don't have it as bad as women. I don't see any other guys on the sphere talking about how hard this stuff is.

I'm lucky in that I can open up about this stuff and seek out support, advice, and even just a hello when I need it. I have to say that with the exception of a little tough love in the beginning about my lack of understanding about privilege, I have got nothing but good luvin from the community for which I am very grateful.

I so sincerely wanna find my place, my peace with my Fat Acceptance. It has been a difficult journey for me. We all have it hard. the girls and the boys.

A trip to the CARDIOLOGIST

2010-04-05T22:15:00.001-04:00

I have an appointment with a cardiologist on wednesday. My pulmonologist is sending me to him because I have been short of breath for several months now and there hasn't any improvement there. There also hasn't been any deterioration either. He did an echo cardiogram and told me that there was nothing abnormal there. I think he is practicing a little defensive medicine.

My lipids were fine a year ago and I really do not think I have any heart stuff going on. I have to be honest, I am a little concerned about the cardiologist being a fat hater. Every doctor that I have met through this hospital has been fair and some have been actually remarkably understanding about my fat.

My pulmonologist sent me for am echo cardiogram which did not show anything abnormal.

I think that my breathing troubles are about my lack of movement. I joined the Y and have been to one water aerobics class. I would like to get the these classes more often. I think that I can recondition myself to better breathing.

I just want the cardiologist to be fair. If he is not, I will have to go see another one. I actually would like to get confirmation that there is nothing going on with my heart. I hope I get a sane enough doctor who can help me find out if that is in fact the case.

Is there anyone out there that is willing to share via comments or via links any experiences with cardio docs from a HAES perspective and does anyone knows what medical tests/procedures can confirm that my heart is in fact healthy, please comment.

Citizen Fat

2010-03-30T02:55:00.002-04:00

It really feels like there is a huge uptick in the amount of media out there sharing some very important Fat Acceptance coverage that is either sympathetic and/or fairly communicated.

At the same time I watched on one of the lists I follow the description of an attack on a health professional for raising some questions about claims being made about the benefit of weight loss surgery. These questions, asking for data and references to source material for the claims being made. Instead of addressing the questions about the data, the WLS advocates attacked the person for asking the questions.

One of the most dynamic takes on the scapegoating and fat hatred that I have seen, appeared on Marianne Kirby's blog, The Rotund (read through the comments too) It really touched on so many important points and then the comments raised more.

Then via the NAAFA list I was alerted to this about the corn lobby producing commercials about the virtue of high fructose corn syrup.

Just being plugged in enough to recognize an uptick in the coverage leads me to think a little about my own progress. I haven't found a place with my food yet that feels right, but I have made some progress in that I can recognize what feels better. I haven't found my way to regular movement that feels good, but I have found my way to drum circles and the pool at the Y. I am hesitant to think about being out there as an activist because of guilt about my disability and other various shame points that are a big part of my story, but when I had the opportunity I went right up to one of the outspoken fat haters who gets lats of media and called her on the lack of logic to some of her rantings.

So I guess what I want to say is that I am growing as an informed citizen of the Fat Acceptance community and I am grateful for the many sources of education that come my way from being plugged into the various lists and feeds I belong to.

Dignity, Ryan Seacrest, Oprah, & Jamie Oliver

2010-03-26T18:15:00.003-04:00

I just finished watching Oprah who had on Jamie Oliver to promote his new show the "Food Revolution" which goes on tv tonight.

They showed a clip where a double size casket was shown. Oprah mentioned that these oversized caskets are a booming business. During the clip they spoke about how there is little chance for dignity when someone is buried in one of these caskets.

Earlier in the show, a picture of a 11 year old Ryan Seacrest was shown as Ryan told Oprah how he was ashamed to go in the pool without a tee shirt on. The photo they showed was of a normal kid. Seriously, the fact that this photo was considered something to be ashamed of was in and of itself sad.

They spoke about dignity. Shame on them. Ryan Seacrest letting kids think that being ashamed of their bodies when they swim is normal. If Ryan Seacrest thinks it, then it must be true. And what a shame, because swimming is great, fun, healthy movement.

They spoke about dignity. Shame on them. How many kids do you think will be teased and shamed about needing a huge casket that requires a forklift when they die after this show is broadcast.

You know, I did notice that when Oprah asked Jamie Oliver about how a family he worked with was doing he said this, "Well, Ya know, ultimately the family they're losing weight, I mean Justin whose 12 years old when I met him has lost 20, 30 pounds which is great but you've got to remember I am not doing a diet show. This is about real food. This is about health. There are just as manny unhealthy skinny people. We can't just label it as obesity. It is about what goes in us, medicating ourselves through food."

He said this in front of a giant casket that Oprah's producers arranged to have wheeled out onto the stage.

Shame on them. I guess it is a win when at least he says something like there are unhealthy skinny people. The town his show is centered around wasn't chosen because it was the unhealthiest town in the county. It was chosen because Huntington, West Virginia was listed by the CDC as one of the most obese cities in america.

So I think Mr. Oliver is talking out of both sides of his mouth when he says "We can't just label it as obesity" when his show is framed around the most obese city in America.

So I am upset. Because I agree with the nutritional stuff and the cooking and the variety of fresh in season produce that he is teaching about. I am upset because all this good information is on network tv because of the moral panic about obesity. This show is not on the air because there is an overwhelming concern about improving the health of all kids. It is about war on the obesity..

I think that this show will have a greater effect on increasing the moral panic about obesity than it will in increasing the quality of the nutrition in schools and on the kitchen tables of America. There will be more teasing, bullying, self hatred and of fat kids and adults than heathy eating.

So one of the things that bugs me about a lot of the blogging in out Size Acceptance Community is that most of what we do is point out the problems, identify with the angst. We are very light on solutions.

So I will make one suggestion here. If you have any contact with teachers this weekend, please try to educate them a little about stigma and bullying and teasing. See if we can get a little empathy about the path a young fat person has to walk in school. See if a teacher can let a fat kind know that they can make efforts to improve their health that have nothing to do with decreasing their weight.

Redefining what it means to take care of my health

2010-03-24T16:26:00.002-04:00

I have been lurking around the size acceptance blogging community for several weeks now. I have actually been having a hard time with pain management, side effects from meds, which has decreased the amount of movement I do considerably. So I have been feeling guilty for not trying hard enough.

I really think the guilt is sort of an powerful echo of how I used to feel about myself and the amount of effort I put into not being fat.

With the Health at Every Size movement, I not find myself feeling guilty about not putting in enough effort towards not being unhealthy, particularly with my movement.

Today was a good day. I made it to a water aerobics class at the Y. I was happy to get there, and grateful to know that while I had to endure some pain to get there, I know that the movement will help me with the pain on all sorts of levels.

While I am not a scientist or an academic, so I cannot tell you how it will help me, I do know that I enjoyed the movement.

So I finally got some enjoyable movement in and I feel good about it. I also feel relief from the guilt of not doing enough.

I'd really like to let go of that punitive self perspective about how I take care of myself. It's like a kind of PTSD, this guilt. Like all my life I have been yelled at, hated on, and told I was wrong for being fat. I think that I am somewhat transferring that guilt (or maybe just holding on to it) to my being engaged about my health.

So I guess I need to re define what being engaged with my health to a supportive perspective even if I am using an unconventional timeline to take actions like the class at the Y that I got to today.

Could it be that simply being plugged into Size Acceptance/HAES by lurking around the internet is actually an acceptable amount of engagement about my health?

Dare I claim that the velocity that I move from self hating fatty to engaged advocate for my own happiness be okay just as it is?

I gotta say I like the way that sounds.

Is Michelle Obama endorsing Child Abuse?

2010-02-22T13:29:00.004-05:00

Okay, I think we can all agree that our First Lady, Michele Obama is a smart woman.

Could it be that Michelle Obama, in all the preparation for her "cause" never once was briefed on the negative effects of stigma on fat children. With all her resources and bright minds that must surround her, is it possible that this issue was never brought up? Could it be that no one ever put this information in front of her for her consideration? I just can't imagine that was the case. I suspect that because she has made some public comments that her cause is is not about the number on the scale that there had to be some discussion about this negative impact on many children in the United States.

Assuming that the information about stigma was considered by the First Lady, I tried to think about what her thinking and decision making looked like which led to the current program she is promoting.

One scenario is similar to something Paul Campos said after a panel he did on NRP where he pondered if there was a noble lie strategy being executed to get people engaged in her "cause". So I wonder if in a similar way that Mrs. Obama understood that her program would be the source of harm for many fat children but chose to ignore it and not speak of it, and allow it to happen as collateral damage in the pursuit of the "elimination of childhood obeisity in a generation".

One of the public comments made by Kevin Smith during the Southwest episode was he saw the face of his daughter in the face of the fat women who was humiliated by an employee of Southwest.

I wonder if Mrs. Obama could see the face of her children in the faces of all the fat children who will be almost certainly the subject of cruelty, bullying and other injuries as the result of her "cause". I wonder if she could allow this program to move forward with that knowledge.

Even if the number of kids that would be the target of stigma was 1% of all kids (which while I have no science to back me up, this # has got to be an underestimate) could she actually have made a conscience choice to let that harm happen to that 1% of kids? To chose to let it happen to any kid?

Is there any goal that could be worth creating that much hurt?

If she knows about that facts that this harm will happen, and yet she choses to go forward with her program without specifically addressing this, what does that say about her morality. Isn't choosing to harm vs choosing not to harm a moral choice?

Could she in fact be doing this to children intentionally? Even if she is actually not aware of this harmful aspect of her program, would that relieve her of the responsibility she has for the harm her program causes?

So after all of that, I wonder what population would be best to target with a noble truth strategy about the harm on its way to our nations fat children and what can be done to prepare children to have the coping skills to work through all this harmful stigma? Would it be the therapists that some of them will be lucky enough to be treated by? Could school psychologists be given some sort of tools to help them help affected kids? School nurses? Is there some sort of conference that could be targeted to help raise the awareness of this aspect of Michele Obama's initiative?

With all the hate noise out there, how can we avoid having that noise drown out this very important noble truth.

Okay, just some of my thoughts. What are yours?

More Thoughts about the ABC Nightline taping

2010-02-07T15:59:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about my experience at the Nightline taping.

I posted on my blog about this exchange and got great feedback via the comments section on my blog and on my favorite lists, ASDAH and FAT STUDIES.

one of the fears I had about the activism part of my FA experience was being attacked and humiliated in public about my FA stance.

over the past year when i would read the comments on the mainstream blogs and see such hatred for people who are fat I would quiver when thinking about having attack and hatred comments like those directed right at me. it made me frightened about going public with my FATNESS.

on Friday when I went over to Meme, there were no cameras. I just wanted to ask her face to face, in a civil way, what she thought about diets not working and see if i could find a place to meet with her and her concerns.

then moments later the nightline cameras and the boom guy with the mike appeared and I held my shit together with this person who is known for spewing hatred upon us while I questioned the logic of what she as saying.

as most of us know, just because the news folks tape it doesn't mean it makes it to the broadcast or even onto the website.

this was a transformative moment in my FA journey. I don't know if I would have walked up to her if the cameras were already there. I am glad they weren't because my thoughts would have been fogged by my concern about not hurting the FA community image on camera.

I still don't know if the footage will make it onto the ABC NIGHTLINE website. It would be cool if it did and it was favorable to our movement, (not edited to make the FA position look bad)

The real victory for me here is a personal one. It was in that moment that I stood my ground publicly against the stigma and oppression that has been a part of my entire life experience.

I also want to take a moment to thank my friend, Golda Portensky for taking a photo of that moment for me as I think that moment is going to be one that I never forget and having a photo of it is "just too cool for school" Thanks Golda.

I debated Meme Roth today!! On TV (sort of)

2010-02-06T07:44:00.006-05:00

Tonight was a good FA night for me. I went to the taping of an ABC Nightline sponsored debate. The title of the segment was a bit over the top, "Is it okay to be fat.?"

So Marianne Kirby and Crystal Renn were seated together to the left of moderator Ju Ju Chang. Meme Roth and a women who runs some sort of diet counseling service, her credential being that she has lost and kept weight off for 7 years. (That is all I found out about her. I may be unaware of other credentials she had. She was very passionate about folks trying to loose the weight because of all the health problems they cause.)

I was very apprehensive when I saw the first notice of this event. I didn't want to risk watching the folks that I came to support be ambushed. I was a little fearful that might happen. A producer from ABC contacted me directly through meetup.com because of the SizeAcceptanceSalon meetup group I organized. After getting an email confirmation from her that I could sit out of camera's shot I decided to go.

Of note here is that I found the moderator fair and unbiased. Also interesting was that all the folks on the panel did not have professional credentials. They were there because their life experience is connected to Fat. We did not have any scientists there for the debate. The one exception to that is a colleague of Ju Ju Chang, a pediatrician was in the audience.

I thought both Meme and Marianne did a good job of expressing their opinions. I got to learn a little bit more about Meme's motivations.

The crux of Meme's argument was the impact on her insurance premiums because of fatty's eating themselves into very expensive health problems. I really wish I had the command of the studies that Linda Bacon or Marylyn Wann had because the studies that she and the Pediatrician pointed to could have been summarily crushed by the kind of deconstruction seen in Dr. Bacon's book.

As the debate went on I noticed how most of what was being expressed was more about the personal experience of the speaker than any actual scientific support of either position.

Every time Meme or the other women spoke about working on getting folks to lose weight, I thought to myself, why doesn't someone mention that diets don't work 95% of the time. Well when question time came I asked the question, I asked Meme if her concern was about health care costs, why would she want to support an intervention with a 95% failure rate. Meme clearly articulated that she has a real problem with people choosing to be victims, that our country accepts a defeatist attitude about this. That everyone should try even though 95% will fail.

The moderator did not allow much time to ask a follow up question about Ms. Roth's flawed thinking about her healthcare costs which would have a 95% statistical likelihood to increase healthcare costs.

But the real fun came after the debate. People were moving around and starting up little conversations with each other. I said hello to a few good friends, I shook Marianne's hand and thanked her. I looked over to Meme Roth and saw her sitting there talking to only one person and I decided to go right up to her and ask her a few questions. What I didn't realize was that the camera men were right behind me.

I shook Meme's hand and introduced myself to her. I told her I have been involved on the Fat Acceptance movement for a little over a year now and then i asked her,why does she think she is so vilified by the Fat Acceptance community. She coyly answered that she is not a part of that community so she couldn't tell me. So then I asked her what is her major issue with the Fat Acceptance movement. She went back into the argument that it is unfair that her insurance premiums and taxes go up for irresponsible behaviors of others.

I then challenged her on her support of dieting in the face of all the evidence that it has a 95% failure rate and supporting anything with a 95% failure rate is illogical. Then Ju Ju Chan came and sat down while Meme spoke about her need to have everyone keep on trying to be one of those 5 out of 100 folks that does keep the weight off .

The way she framed it was on a moral basis. She spoke of the country's defeatism and how it can't be okay for people to stop trying. Meme tried to get me to talk about how many calories I eat and I told her I am not going to discuss that with her and went back to the failure rates. The women next to her (the one with the weight loss business who was on the panel becasue she lost over 100 pounds) said we cant ignore our health. I asked her about her business. I asked her if her success rate with her clients is higher than 5% and she immediately said yes. Then I asked her if she has 5 years of data to support that. She said she doesn't have five years of data. I told her that she can't claim any success yet if she doesn't have conclusive data.

After my little exchange with them, I shook Meme's Hand and thanked her for her time and I walked away. Guess what, a very passionate women who was watching me talk with Meme came right up to me to let me know she has got the solution to my fatness and handed me a cd and her business card. I found out afterwards she did that to several people. I can just picture her talking with business coach and planning to hit the nightline taping and go get 5 new clients for her weight loss business.

I wish I got in her face about the ridiculousness of her offer and the timing of it too. I took her cd and threw it out when I left the building.

Anyway, I went right up to Meme Roth tonight and called her on her ridiculousness in front of cameras from Nightline. This in and of itself is a victory for me. It would be so wicked cool if the footage makes it to the nightline website.

I have said to many of my FA friends, I just want to be happy, life a full and rich life. I am not interested in activism. I still am not sure about that aspect of my FA journey.

I can definitely say it was really cool to stand in front of Meme Roth and question her about the logic of her position on dieting.

Cheers,

Ivan

I am not my Brother's keeper

2010-01-11T11:56:00.002-05:00

The fat acceptance and health at every size movement has positively affected my life. I have let go of the "dream" of being thin. I have met a bunch of wonderful people who generously welcomed me to this community and helped me understand this new paradigm about weight and health. I have had cathartic changes in the way I conceive of my worthiness which used to be smothered my my concepts around weight and fatness.

With the exception of my birth mother and one of my brothers, I have discovered that discussing my experience with fat acceptance is futile because they are so steeped in the cultural fear and hatred of fat.

My Mother still gets concerned when I order a big portion of food and makes a comment or two. When I address her comments with whatever feels right for me at the time, she listens and honors my boundaries. I know she doesn't quite understand what this FA stuff is, but she does make an effort.

My youngest brother is a prince. He reads my blog, does his own research, asks questions in the spirit of wanting to understand. My brother doesn't expect me to change. He wants me to be happy. He is concerned about the risks to my health, but he gets it. I love him so much. His empathy and his love and warmth are invaluable.

I live in New York City. He lives with his family in Hartford, CT. I don't get to see him, his wife, and my two delicious nephews as often as I'd like to. This past Sunday I went up to Hartford for a visit. As we ate lunch he told me about his New Years Resolution to do something about his weight and health. He said that as the year came to an end and he was weighing more than 200 pounds, it was time to do something about it.

He actually said that he is starving himself. His wife quickly corrected him and said that he wasn't. However, as I listened to him explain what he is doing I discovered that was exactly what he is doing. In an instant I knew how things were going to turn out. He may keep this effort up for some time. He may only last a few more days. The point is that the organism that is my brother will eventually win in my brothers battle with his set point. He told me about cutting out all cookies and sugar snacks and that he is stopping eating just before he is feeling full. He told me he struggles in the evening with hunger, but in the morning when he wakes, the hunger as passed. He said he lost 5 pounds in the first week, He was happy to report about using his treadmill in the morning and how great that feels.

I started to talk to him about the set point stuff. I wanted to ask him to look back over his history and acknowledge that every start he has made towards fitness has ended with defeat. I wanted to point out to him that breaking the 200 pound mark is indicative of the progressive effects of yo-yoing. I wanted to suggest to him that he make his entire focus about his fitness and let his weight find the place that is belongs. I want him to understand how much harder he is making it for himself by deliberately staying in a state of hunger. I hoped that he could see that forcing his body to lose weight will marshall all his biological systems to get him to put the weight back on. I want him to see how much higher his chances for success are if he keeps his focus on the fitness and eats when he feels hungry and stops eating when he feels satisfied. To hell with the scale.

But I had to consider that my brother doesn't have any expectations of me changing my behavior. He supports me in my pursuit of happiness. When he asks questions, they are in the spirit of getting a clear understanding of what I am thinking. So I decided to let it be. My brother will find what is best for him.

My brother is a great guy. He is a wonderful husband and father. His boys, (my nephews) are too delicious for words. He is also the person on earth that knows me better that anyone. So if he wants to diet and exercise himself to smaller waist, then that is his right. While his up and down weight cycling is undeniable, he is doing just fine. He feels great (both physically and mentally) when he is in the rhythm of working out. Yes, he eventually feels bad when he stops, but he handles it.

I can't know what is best for my brother. I do suspect that a modification to his approach here that is more in sync with HAES, has a better chance of lasting longer. I also know that I am not his keeper.

I want nothing but happiness for him, which is the same thing that he wants for me. Thanks to this movement I now know that my happiness is not contingent on what I weigh.

Cheers,

Ivan

Morality of my Fat Acceptance

2009-12-12T12:19:00.001-05:00

I have been painfully introspective the past few weeks. I think that my quest for self awareness may have taken on a life of its own. In my looking within, I think I have been overlooking some obvious things going on around me that are very important in my Fat Acceptance Journey.

If you have read through my blog, or seen the type of comments I leave on other blogs, (with the exception of Shapely prose who moderate my comments for some reason unknown to me) you will see that my journey through Fat Acceptance has been an emotional one, with little spotlights here and there about my health.

One of the things that happened for me when I started blogging, is that I fond myself involved in community. This is a good thing. The good emotions I experienced as I jumped in feet first were cathartic. As many of us can understand, having been rejected, admonished, stigmatized, and discriminated against from almost any community I was involved with throughout my life, having people smile at me, acknowledge the validity of my thoughts, encourage me, seemed like a nirvana manifested.

I was lucky enough to meet an hang out with Marylyn Wann at the ASDAH convention who invited me to join her list-serve and has been very generous with her comments and support there. Linda Bacon was kind enough to comment on a blog post I did from a very frightened place, others in the community who would respond to my postings were also very kind. As I was learning about the lay of the land of the fat-o-sphere, making new friends, and working through the sppedbumps and potholes with my family, I became encouraged that I could actually figure out a way to a happy life and let go of the self hatred and shame that was at the core or my psyche.

So now I am more aware of the politics of the movement, I have a better understanding of (not complete) privilege, I understand what set point theory is, and I have dabbled in improving my nutrition and my movement.

So here is where I go into the "good fatty/bad fatty" introspection. But before that, there is another aspect that has captured my attention lately about this wonderful community.

And it is a wonderful community. It is not perfect. But I find for the most part, it is filled with well intentioned, principled folks with whom I have a lot in common.

Here is the rub. Being in the community had become more important to me than actually moving forward with what this community promotes around my nutrition and movement. I haven't found (and I have been looking) for a voice or a segment of the community that says just eat whatever you want and only move if you are motivated to, otherwise just stay at home, motionless and eat anything you want to. You are accepted Ivan! We accept you. It is not your fault. You are not responsible. The nasty fat hating world has wronged you and now your "Peeps" in the fat o sphere will let you know that everything you are doing (actually everything I am not doing) is okay.

Well, is it? I am not feeling good about the type of stuff I eat, the amount of stuff I eat, or the way I eat it. I am ashamed of my lack of movement. I do not want to talk about this or write about this.

I was feeling good about the walking I was doing, and that I have added a few vegetables to my food, I was taking some time to check in with what my body was hungry for, etc. One of my mantra's was as long as I am moving in the right direction, I am good. Another mantra was; I am working on my health because my mental health is a big part of it, so coming to terms with all the stuff that Fat Hatred, Stigma, etc etc did to me is working on my health.

However, lately, my attention has been on what I am eating and how much movement I am getting. I would not want to post what I eat and the amount of movement I get ( basically enough to get my to and from the bathroom and to and from the kitchen) Some of the lack of movement is legitimate pain from my big medical drama 2.5 years ago, and some of it is just plain slothfulness. The food is a story in and of itself.

Yet, I am hesitant to reach out for help with my food or my movement because an alarm goes off in my head saying I am not accepting myself, if I look at my food like a problem that needs to be fixed. It is too important that I accept myself. fail fail fail….

Yet I have to be honest and say that my food is not healthy. I cannot deny it. Which is what it seems to me I have been doing.

This laziness manifests itself in the low quality of the food I eat, (fast foodish, processed, sugary, cake and cookieish eating) and in the very limited amount of movement I get. Part of it is that the pain meds I take from the "medical drama" take away my mental sharpness and I sleep a lot. I can get some movement in when I take them though. So I am doing this juggling act between, pain meds, sleep, wanting to be able to read and pay attention, wanting to get more movement, and the idiot box that doesn't demand anything from me other that sitting in front of it and looking in its direction.

I am not depressed, although I did consider that. I am just tired. And a voice in my head is also telling me I am just lazy and don't want to work that hard.

Ya know, if there was some research out there that was endorsed by the likes of Wann and Bacon, that said and individual like me, in circumstances like mine, has as his best bet at a happy life is to just accept that very little movement and eating large quantities of food and spending most of your day watching tv.

I know in my heart of hearts that this is not okay.

I am still a card carrying member of FA. I definitely understand that trying to loose weight is a loosing proposition for someone like me. I am just feeling a little suffocated from all the moral judgement I am buying into about what by most standards could be considered Sloth.

I can play my medical condition card here. My blog details all the medical trauma and drama that has been part of my life. I am disabled from the last episode. Yet, there is room for more movement, I think, if I push myself through the pain so I don't have to take more pain meds. There is room for healthier choices about what I eat, about how much I eat.

I just do not want to go back to a life a shame, self hatred, and walking around my life apologizing for taking up two seats everywhere I go.

I want to feel good about the decisions I make around nutrition and movement while taking into account that the meds are a hurdle to the movement, and all the delicious goodies I like to keep stocked in the house are a hurdle to better nutrition.

I am very interested in hearing what folks have to say about this.

Cheers,

Ivan

Zaftig Honors - Thanks Sylvia and Bianca

2009-11-22T11:51:00.004-05:00

Thank you to Sylvia and Bianca for this most prestigious honor. Usually I hot delete the moment I see something like this on my computer, but this is the Fat-O-Sphere and I gots mad love for all my peeps within it...

So I have to get back to you on the fellow bloggers, however, here is my 10 honest things for anyone who hasn't hit delete yet...

1. I once was forced out of someone's house at gunpoint.

2. I spent my 17th birthday in a psychiatric ward.

3. I have a 7 pound dog named mush

4. I crashed a car while REM's "Losing My Religion" was playing on the radio.

5. I crush hard for Jennifer Connelly

6. I do not have belly button

7. One day, I aspire to be as clever as Shannon

8. I haven't farted in 20 years

9. My brother and sister were literally born nine months apart - she 1/21/70 he-10/22/70

10. I see dead people

THE MANY FAT ACCEPTANCE MOVEMENTS

2009-11-20T09:04:00.006-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about my own Fat Acceptance and my own health. I have written a lot here about my journey from the self hatred endorsed by everyone around me to a gentle, accepting stance that is promoted by the Fat Acceptance concept. Yet, there does not seen to be one fat acceptance movement but many. The variety of opinions and schools of thought is a bit overwhelming. I would prefer that there was one central organization overseeing the movement and declaring what is correct and what is taboo.

As you all know, that is not the case. I have to figure out what Fat Acceptance means to me. I have to find peace with all the aspects of food, body image, stigma, prejudice, feminism, virility, health, exercise... I could go on and on.

I know that I have never ever been able to reign in my eating for any length of time, The only long term experience I had was eating pound and pounds of meat and little else for three years. The moment I started eating complex carbs, I gained all my weight back and more.

I like the way not berating myself for what I eat feels. Yet, I do experience many uncomfortable realities being the weight I am. I am working with my doctors to mitigate them, however, from where I stand, it is clear that losing weight would help almost all of them. I do not even pursue this option, because at this point, I do believe that any weight I would lose would be back on plus more in short order.

I have had a few nights now of waking up gasping for air, even with my CPAP breathing machine. I am going to call my doctor and talk about this, yet I know the best solution will be to lose weight. I also believe that trying to lose weight is a waste of time for me. I have a lifetime of evidence towards that.

Everyone I talk to about this (if I talk to anyone about this) would say something different to me about this because there is no one authority or agreed on Fat Acceptance Movement.

If there was one FA authority, I could go there and figure out what the FA appropriate next steps for the apnea should be.

I am still not sure what to so next. I cannot discuss this with my family, because their heads explode when I tell them that losing weight is not an option for me. I have a sweet therapist that does her best to understand FA but not sure where that is going. I have a few friends in FA, but I do not want to burden them.

I'll go over to the Fat Studies list and ask the brains over there about treatment options for the sleep apnea. They always have good info and are very kind to me.

I wonder, a lot, if walking the Fat Acceptance path is the right one for me. I believe it is. It is just that I am not sure which one of the many versions of the Fat Acceptance movement is going to wind up being mine. I know I like the community and the suspension of the self hatred, yet I still find myself wondering if subscribing to what I understand is set point theory, and not trying to lose weight is the right thing for me. Again, there is no one "right" course of action. The different opinions within the Fat Acceptance Community confuse me instead of help me figure out what is right for me.

I am still learning and investigating the movement. Heck, I still am only half way through Linda Bacon's book.

I am just a little scared and shell shocked about waking up gasping for breath. It's very scary.

Okay that's all for now.

below is an unrelated thread about the trauma kids are exposed to via Fat stigma... I was going to post it separately and decided to just put it at the end. They are the blog exchanges from another blog, but I wanted in here on my blog.

I commented

I am aware of my fatness as well.
One thing I find fascinating though is that I was aware of my fatness back when I was a teen as well – and was certainly made aware of it by teachers, doctors, members of my peer group, etc. Yet, looking at old photos of myself, I wasn’t anything like as fat as I thought I was – indeed I find it difficult even recognizing the person in the picture.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

someone responded to my comment
Maybe – just maybe – if people weren’t so obsessed with labeling people as “fat”, “obese” etc. we’d have a lot more people around who are both happier and healthier. Regardless of their body type.

I responded:
 i have said this exact thing as I develop my foundation in the FA movement. I am 43 years old 390. When I look at photos of myself I see a cute kid that has a few extra pounds. As a child I was taught that I was inappropriately fat and teased as XX described. forget school, and kids, just from my parents alone, who took my fat as their failure, I was bribed, weight watchered, diet doctored, fat camped, punished and have one particular painful memory of my father dragging a 11 year old me out of bed at 6am to force me to do jumping jacks and because my effort wasn’t enthusiastic enough, he viciously called me a fat horse, walked away and didn’t speak to me for 2 days. Today I wonder, (and hope for todays fat kids) that if I was nurtured to be the best, healthiest, me I could be as a boy if I would weigh less than I do today. Even if it would not have made a difference in my body, I sure would have loved to take a pass on the three decades of self hate and sense of unworthiness that was my inner life until I found the FA/HAES community.   

Someone replied -- I’m so sorry these things happened to you, and even sorrier that your experiences are not unusual.

I responded....

 “and even sorrier that your experiences are not unusual”  sniper, when i first got here i was like, wow these FA activist are an angry bunch, but now I feel compelled to contribute & to do what I can to help bring on the change that will make experiences like these unusual. I know I am still a zygote in the FA world, but this is the world I am moving to… it beats the crap out of the world I grew up in.   Awww, crap,

Someone replied,

Ivan, I’m sorry. I’ll tell you, FA is good for me now – but more importantly, I don’t want to participate in a world that continues to do that sort of harm to kids. 

I responded

• ivan Posted November 20, 2009 at 8:55 am | Permalink “I don’t want to participate in a world that continues to do that sort of harm to kids.”  XXXXX, I think that although painful, participation in the world that does this sort of harm to kids in necessary if I am going to effect any change in that world. It is difficult to consider participating (let alone moving around easily) in that world as a 390 lb man, however, if I believe that our culture’s hatred of fat people is wrong, I need to stand up against it even if it hurts my knees to stand up for a long time.

THE SIZE ACCEPTANCE SALON - CHEWING THE FAT

2009-11-18T17:14:00.009-05:00

THE SIZE ACCEPTANCE SALON - CHEWING THE FAT

Well we had our first size acceptance salon conference call last Sunday night featuring an interview of Kira N the independent filmmaker and creator of FAT GIRLS FLOAT. Then there was a start of a discussion of how post WLS fat folks fit into the Fat Acceptance Movement. There was a lot there and we only scratched the surface on this topic. I look forward to more discussion about important issues like these being discussed amongst us. I hope that these salon's will serve in creating space for such discussions. The next salon is on Sunday 12/6 at 4pm in New York City and the Conference Line. (more info below)

Thanks to everyone who has helped so fat with pledging support to the film FAT GIRLS FLOAT, via kickstarter, As of this writing we have 50 backers and $3,862 pledged. There are 25 days left to raise the additional $1,138. We need your help to do it because if we don't help Kira to the $5,000 mark, then none of the money is collected. Please pass on the word about FAT GIRLS FLOAT, to everyone you know in the Fat Acceptance Community. Also please consider pledging any amount, as low as $1.00 because every pledge helps, no matter what the size! (sound familiar?) You can see a one minute trailer of the movie here http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/xads89 and you can become a backer of this film by pledging here. http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1791863791/get-in-the-pool-with-fat-girls-float

The next Size Acceptance Salon will be held live in New York City and 12/4/2009. We haven't picked a topic yet, however, if one occurs to me I will let you know. I think people are hungry (punny?) for this kind of space and I hope that if you are in the NYC area, you can make it. I might try to jump onto the conference call line to see if folks can dial in.. Not sure about the sound quality using the speaker phone, but we can give it a shot.

So please go to www.meetup.com/sizeacceptancesalon and check out the calendar which also has a tab for suggested topics, let me know what you want to talk about there.

Below is a copy of what I blogged last week about the Salon, but the best way to get a feel for it is the go to the meetup link and check it out.

Cheers.,

Ivan

I have been in "observe" mode on the fat-0-sphere lately. I have been doing the equivalent of Channel Surfing. There are the usual stuff, fashion, some recipes, personal stories, and some conflict and discussions of responsibility, civility, protocol and puppies.

At this point on my journey into the Size Acceptance/Fat Acceptance community I have identified many aspects of this community I like, and many aspects of this community that could use improvement.

There has been talk of what is the mission of the Fat Acceptance movement. What are its rules of engagement or what should they be. All very important discussions to have.

Apparently, discussions that have been had, a lot. In, fact I get the sense that some of the more established folks on the Fat-o-Sphere are a little tired of having the same discussions over and over again. Other's, like myself, are eager to have these discussions.

Right now the big buzz is around the Fat Studies Reader. It is very exciting to have watched the pre release buzz and to now see readings being organized. With the energy of all these voices coming together I have initiated the creation of a Size Acceptance Salon, which will assemble both virtually (conference calls and internet) and live, in person, Salons in New York City and hopefully other cities around our nation, heck, even in other countries. ( telling myself dreaming big is totally cool)

My goal is to create safe spaces to have the conversations around the issues of Fat/Size Acceptance and Health at Every Size. I hope to enlist the more experienced members of this community to be part of these discussion for the purposes of exchanging ideas, facilitating commutation, respectfully debating our differences, and most importantly, creating a supportive sense of community.

I believe if we take the time to understand what others belief, and what others want, and what is important to each of us, we can partner on moving forward with agreed upon goals, whether individual or as a group.

So with that please consider joining The Size Acceptance Salon - Chewing the Fat, at www.meetup.com/sizeacceptancesalon.

Chick Flic Teaches Fat Man a lesson

2009-11-11T13:39:00.002-05:00

When I ask myself the question, what is the greatest thing about Fat Acceptance, without hesitation, I can tell you that the FA movement has transformed a lifelong belief in my unworthiness of the good things life has to offer into a strong (and getting stronger) connection to not only my worthiness, but my sweetness, my beauty, and even my humanity.

This experience has been a life changer for me. So I am now moving beyond just blogging into the next actions that make sense for me. Not quite activism… Perhaps, with as much humility as I can muster, I want to do community organizing work. I want to join with others that want to look at these issues with an intent to help move things toward the better.

With that in mind I want to tell you about the movie, Fat Girls Float. What I like most about this project is that it is touching on the core of self acceptance, the essence of worthiness. This movie in in sync with what I am experiencing with my own personal sense of Fat Acceptance.

So along the lines of community organizing, I have asked some Fat-o-Sphere bloggers I know personally to send out a message about this film and it's efforts to raise funds for the next six wednesdays. I know you will enjoy the trailer, and I hope you are moved to donate and to ask your friends to donate. I also hope you will consider joining me and the handful of bloggers in our community who are "organizing" to support this project.

Below are two messages. the first is the templated message I am asking folks to post or to paraphrase or to even plagiarize with our permission. The message after that is about the Size Acceptance Salon which is my community organizing effort to bring smart people together to have inspired and thoughtful exchanging of ideas. Thanks for taking the time to read this and let me know if you want to be a list of folks we are sending the "cut and paste" blog copy for the next several Wednesdays.

FAT GIRLS FLOAT is the provocative, engaging and moving new documentary from Kira Nerusskaya, a 300 pound filmmaker with a message to share. The film showcases heartfelt interviews with fat women from around the world who discuss size discrimination, political activism, fat and size acceptance, and their experiences as fat women under attack in a thin-centric world. Please be a part of making this film by pledging HERE. Any donation in any amount is appreciated. We only have until December 13th to raise the rest of the funds we need for this next step of post production, so please help us spread the word about this amazing project by tweeting, reposting this paragraph in your blog every Wednesday or on your site and telling your friends. Donate Now. Join us this Sunday, 11/15/09 at 7:00p.m. EST for a "meet the film maker" conference call and Fat Acceptance discussion. Check out the Fat Acceptance Salon for more details at http://www.meetup.com/SizeAcceptanceSalon/calendar/11829542/

THE SIZE ACCEPTANCE SALON - CHEWING THE FAT

I have been in "observe" mode on the fat-0-sphere lately. I have been doing the equivalent of Channel Surfing. There are the usual stuff, fashion, some recipes, personal stories, and some conflict and discussions of responsibility, civility, protocol and puppies.

At this point on my journey into the Size Acceptance/Fat Acceptance community I have identified many aspects of this community I like, and many aspects of this community that could use improvement.

There has been talk of what is the mission of the Fat Acceptance movement. What are its rules of engagement or what should they be. All very important discussions to have.

Apparently, discussions that have been had, a lot. In, fact I get the sense that some of the more established folks on the Fat-o-Sphere are a little tired of having the same discussions over and over again. Other's, like myself, are eager to have these discussions.

Right now the big buzz is around the Fat Studies Reader. It is very exciting to have watched the pre release buzz and to now see readings being organized. With the energy of all these voices coming together I have initiated the creation of a Size Acceptance Salon, which will assemble both virtually (conference calls and internet) and live, in person, Salons in New York City and hopefully other cities around our nation, heck, even in other countries. ( telling myself dreaming big is totally cool)

My goal is to create safe spaces to have the conversations around the issues of Fat/Size Acceptance and Health at Every Size. I hope to enlist the more experienced members of this community to be part of these discussion for the purposes of exchanging ideas, facilitating commutation, respectfully debating our differences, and most importantly, creating a supportive sense of community.

I believe if we take the time to understand what others belief, and what others want, and what is important to each of us, we can partner on moving forward with agreed upon goals, whether individual or as a group.

So with that please consider joining The Size Acceptance Salon - Chewing the Fat, at www.meetup.com/sizeacceptancesalon. Our first conference call is scheduled for this Sunday, 11/15/09 at 7pm. http://www.meetup.com/SizeAcceptanceSalon/calendar/11829542/

Cheers,

Ivan

Wouldn't it be nice to be thin?

2009-10-23T10:01:00.002-04:00

Wouldn't it be nice to be rich, to win the lotto. I'd finally get my dream car, the Mercedes Maybach. I'd make a you tube video taking my $400,000 car through the McDonnell's drive through. I'd travel to all sorts of fancy places, I'd do lots a great charity work.

Wouldn't it be nice to meet my soulmate?

Wouldn't it be nice to be famous. I would have a brilliant movie career and the paparazzi would follow me around. I'd go to all the cool LA night clubs and rub elbows with other famous people.

Wouldn't it be nice to find the dream job, doing what I love to do. Helping people, kids, animals. Getting paid well and enjoying going to work everyday.

Wouldn't it be nice to be taller? Would't it be nice to have a fuller head of hair?

Wouldn't it be nice to be a popular hollywood heartthrob and be dating beautiful hollywood starlets?

Wouldn't it be nice to be thin..….. (sound of record scratching and the background music stops) "Did he actually just type that?" "Uh Oh, he just went taboo on us." "Nice guy, but how dare he talk about losing weight on the Fat-o-Sphere." "I'm gonna comment his wanting to be skinny ass off the internet"

Don't worry, this is just an intellectual exercise. I may not even post this, well if you are reading this then I did post this.

Before finding the Fat Acceptance Community, I had spent my life pursuing being thin, or even just less fat. While I have lost major amounts of weight a few times in my life, a few of those times due to very serious illness, I have always gained it back. I can remember buckling my seatbelt on an airplane as a thin man thinking I will never go back to being fat again. I remember on summer days on the new york city subway system with my bicycle, getting off the train and trotting up the stairs with my bike on my shoulder thinking I was King of the World. I also remember everyone in my life applauding me for my accomplishment. I remember loving being able to buy clothes at old navy. Crossing my legs. Having to slow down because the person I was hanging with wasn't as fit as I was.

There are, in fact, some positive qualities to being thin (or thinner I am 390 right now). Is it a sin to acknowledge that there are some aspects of not being fat that are appealing? More importantly, is it harmful to me and my new found peace with myself to think about those things?

If I lost a little weight wouldn't that make walking easier? Wouldn't losing weight help me with my recovery from being paralyzed and immobile for 7 months where most of the muscle mass I did have de-conditioned to the point where I can't walk more than a few blocks without needing to take a break?

Am I hurting myself by even considering these thoughts.

I am hoping that the folks on the sphere whom I appreciate can share some of their thoughts here with me.

My only goal with food and exercise right now is to increase my mobility and enhance my health by increasing the level of nutrition in what I do eat. I would like to get into a pool and do some movement there to increase my lung capacity which has also suffered from the medical trauma of two and a half years ago.

I am not going to go into the issues of the horrific, chronic, awful, pain I have from the surgery or all the trials and obstacles that managing that pain daily with meds adds to my struggle. It is part of my struggle and I am grateful that I can ambulate (although with major limitations). It does make exercising and movement more challenging. I will not let it keep me from doing it. Maybe I can cut myself some slack here, but that is probably another post… maybe even another blog.

While I am a card carrying member of the Fat Acceptance Community, and I understand that there is a no-diet talk policy amongst most of us, I am musing here because these thoughts about being thin are in my head and I want to chew on them with fellow fatties who may have some insight to share with me about how they processed through them.

I don't think about them in the " maybe someday I will lose weight " kind of way. I just wonder if by completely giving myself to Fat Acceptance, am I keeping myself from, perhaps, loosing some of my 400 pounds, which would make building up my strength and stamina easier?

My hunch is that since I have never been able to maintain any kind of weight loss before, that any attempts and limiting my food in or deliberating burning more calories out for the purpose of losing weight is a waste of my time.

Still, in all honesty, and this is not to stir up any drama on the sphere, which seems like an easy thing to do… this is just to acknowledge that there is still a small part of me that thinks… Wouldn't it be nice if I could lose the weight? or "Why not give it another try?"

Sometimes when I come up on some of the limitations at this size, I have a thought flash through my head about losing weight. for example, tying my shoe laces. This takes time, I have to be strategic with my breathing as I bend to reach the laces. Sometimes I have to come up for air and start over again. Most of the time I wear the crocs which do not require this. However, when I do put on my sneakers and tie them, I sometimes think, it would be nice to not have to deal with this.

I, for the most part, recognize that I am always going to be fat. I recognize that focusing all my efforts on improvement within the weight neutral, HAES framework is the right, and the sane, and the path to peace and self acceptance for me.

When I get into my "spiritual head" I can go to a place of gratitude for everything in my life, including my sturdy, strong, resilient body. Saying "Thank you for my fat" is not a thought I can easily connect to. I get glimpses of what it would be like to say that and it does seem within reach for me. I am just not there yet.

There is also the whole good fattie vs bad fattie issue which I will leave for another post.

I have blogged about how wonderful it has been for me and my sense of worthiness to connect with the fat acceptance movement. I am growing in new ways and I am enjoying all the great folks I have met along the way.

I just feel like my thinking is still tainted when it comes to thoughts about being thin. I feel like they are injurious to me.

Another big part of it is the virility and the sexual attractiveness stuff, again a topic in and of itself for another post.

I guess it might be about the difference between accepting my fat and embracing it?

I know I can not maintain weight loss. I know this. I accept this. I know it is about living a rich and full life within this framework of acceptance. An I a horrible person because I sometimes still think it would be nice to be thin even though I know that it is just not possible for me.

Somehow when I think it would be nice to be taller, I do not feel like I am betraying my 5'7 self. But when I think it would be nice to be thin, I feel like I am a traitor, a Fat Acceptance Fraud?

I get the wisdom of no weight loss talk. I have boundaries with several folks about it. But what about my own inner thoughts, sometimes they just pop in my head. What do I do then?

I am wondering if this is just part of the journey through Fat Acceptance.

What works for you? Do you love being fat? How did you get there? Do you have fleeting thoughts about being thin? How do you deal with them when they surface? Do you have your own set of rules around thoughts of being thin? What other thoughts do you have about these musings?

Cheers,

Ivan

The Debating Society Inside my Head

2009-10-21T17:10:00.001-04:00

I am trying to figure out how much of the judgement and fat hating is coming at me from the world at large and how much of it is coming from inside me.

For most of my life being fat was unacceptable. I was always in a state of wrongness. I was constantly assaulted with messages of why I was not enough and why I was not doing enough to correct my wrongness. I went to therapists, commercial weight loss programs, fat camp, 12 step programs all in pursuit of finding a way to be an acceptable person, which, by all accounts around me, I was not because I was fat.

Now I find myself as an adult navigating my way through the fat acceptance community. Taking on my own internalized beliefs about myself not being enough is revolutionary to me and everyone in my life.

Could I really be fat and acceptable?

The complexity of that question has been overwhelming. I have been examining my ass off looking at all sides of the argument for and against accepting myself fat.

I have been told by my nearest and dearest people in my life that I don't have the right to accept myself. I MUST do something about my weight. They plead with me to stop killing myself. The fact that there is a possibility that I am not going to die from my fatness is one that they refuse to acknowledge. In fact, because I am fat, some of the medical data, as best as I can decipher, indicates that I may actually live longer in the face of some of the possible health issues I may face as I age.

Medical data aside for a moment. When I consider my own personal history it is clear to me that maintaining any loss of weight is something that I am unable to do. Even with this fact, I still struggle with the thought that I should at least try. Some of the smart folks in the Fat Acceptance community say things to the effect of losing and gaining back the weight in and of itself has a negative impact on my health.

I have been making myself crazy trying to understand all the different positions, arguments, and issues related to fat acceptance.

The most challenging and emotionally charged interactions are with family and my best friend. My family is angry at me for choosing to accept my fatness. With my parents, I have set a boundary of no discussion about my health, weight, food, or exercise. This course of action with them allows for us to have a relationship as I have made it clear I will not be around them when they attempt to discuss these things with me. My sister recently told me to not come to her house if I am going to pig out like I did the last time she invited me over. That one is simple, I will just not be accepting any invitations to her house anymore. In no uncertain terms she has made it clear to me that she thinks my association with the FA community is toxic for me. I got a "concerned" email from my best friend last week explaining to me why being fat is okay but being super fat like me is not. WTF?

Ya know, I am not sure where I am going with all of this. I think what I am trying to get to is a place where I just stop letting what other's think of me affect me so much. For a guy like me, that seems like asking me to give up an arm. I can get by with one arm, but it will be very uncomfortable. I work very hard at creating situations and exposing myself to folks who think highly of me. Maybe because in my heart of hearts, I believe that living a fat life is in fact a tragedy. What could be more tragic than believing I am living a tragic life when in fact I can live a wonderful life?… a wonderful fat life. I guess the question to myself is, do I belive I can have a wonderful life, fat.

Today I met friends for lunch. The waiter asked if i wanted chips or carrots with my meal, I said out loud to my eating companions, I'll be good and have the carrots…. WTF Ivan?

Maybe being gentle with myself is called for here. I just want to be happy. Constantly trying to figure out how I can explain to others why the FA path is right for me doesn't feel good.

Do you think you are somehow living less of a life because your life is a fat life?

What does it say about my beliefs about myself if this is a question that is on my mind?

Not sure where the next step is for me, however, I do know that it is a step within the FA community.

Cheers!

The Measure of a Man

2009-10-15T23:40:00.001-04:00

I am between 5'7" and 5'8" depending on who is measuring. The last weigh in a few months ago was 380.

I am involved in the Fat Acceptance Community because I had lead a miserable, unhappy life which I believed stemmed from me being fat. In a pursuit of family, society and sadly my own approval I felt unworthy of romantic love because I bought into the norm that fat is bad and evil, hence by extension so was I.

My male privilege, which I didn't know about until pointed out for me at Shapely Prose made my fat life easier than my fat sisters. I allow that I may not fully understand the harder time that fat woman have in our culture. I can speak personally to the stigma I have felt primarily from the opposite sex. Maybe it was all just a confidence thing. But my lack of confidence and self esteem when it came to the opposite sex was all about my weight. I do now see that probably it was my lack of confidence, not my actual weight that was in my way with the ladies. That being said, there is a lot of anti fat bias out there in the dating world and women are not the only victims of it. check out the comments here http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-would-you-marry-a-man-who-is-morbidly-obese/?cnn=yes

I was quite an unhappy puppy. When I came into the FA community the first thing that was apparent to me was that there are not a lot of fat guys around talking about the struggles of being a fat guy. In fact, I couldn't find any. I did get the message very early that fat women have it harder than men. Honestly, it seemed a little dismissive of my experience as a fat man. I respect women and I do not want to offend the feminist fat women, but I probably do and am grateful to those willing to point out when I trespass and perhaps offend. Honestly, am I allowed to plead ignorance? I always get a little nervous about being misunderstood when talking about this. But is seems that there are only women to talk to in FA (and males that admire fat women)

I think there are many fat guys around that have a lot in common and can add a lot to the community and I am not sure why they are so hard to find. I went to the Naffa convention and as far as I could tell I was one of three guys there that Identified as a fat man. Three ???? WTF?

Could it be that guys don't want to be vulnerable? Could it be that they have transcended the limiting beliefs that society has about fat and I am the only fat guy feeling the heat? Could I be one of the only guys that wonders about the stigma that fat boys face growing up? Having been the target of so much fat hate growing up (oh by the way, I wasn't that fat, not that the way I was treated by family and society would have me believe) But I was always "trying" to lose weight.

I am finally connecting with my own sense of worthiness. I am finally seeing that the only opinion that matters is mine.

This is the gift that the FA community has given me. I will always be grateful for that.

So any other FAT Guys out there that wanna stop lurking? Imagine what the combined voices of several Fat men speaking to fat acceptance and health at any size could do for each other and the new guys investigating what our community has to offer.

I am not looking to move any mountains. I would just like to have one or two guys that understand the nuances of reclaiming a sense of worthiness after leading a life apologetically for being what I am…. Fat.

No More Apologies!!!

Fat FAt fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat..

I am fat!!!!!!!!!!!! I am fat!!!!!!!

I am a man!!!

and I need to say to any and all who think there is something wrong with me..….

FUCK OFF!!! FUCK YOU!!! AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY!!! (BITCH SLAPS ALL FAT HATERS)

that felt good.

Reality Check - My Sister and Me

2009-10-11T12:25:00.003-04:00

I could use some supportive, loving words from the community. If you can find the time, please read my blog post and send me your thoughts and comments, your related stories, anything to help me feel the sense of community and support. I crave these feelings right now.

I could never understand when folks would tell me that they don't speak to a sibling. My brother and sister and I went through a very dysfunctional, emotionally challenging environment growing up together. We all dealt with this is different ways. We were always like soldiers in the same troop, we went through the war together. We had a love and a connection with each other that was the envy of many of my friends. I could never imagine, being in a set of circumstances where I would be able to say to someone, "I don't speak to my sister."

Until today…

My sister and I had an argument about a very personal issue. During the argument, she brought up my eating, which was unrelated to the argument. As far as the argument about the very personal issue, I came to a recognition that no good can come from discussing it, so I put up a boundary of no discussion about it and then I addressed her comments about my eating, and my "killing myself".

In an email, I asked her…. "Are you even the least bit curious about the Fat Acceptance Movement and the Health at any size movement? Have you looked into it at all? You haven't asked me about it. Why haven't you asked me about it?" I don't run away from everyone when they discuss my weight, just the hysterical folks, like you, who can't have a calm, respectful conversation about it. I demand to be treated with respect, even if I or my decisions are not respected. I have the right to live my life any way I want. I have found a way that makes me happy. I will not discuss it with you unless you stay calm. don't raise your voice, and express your thoughts with the understanding that I get to choose to do anything I want.

I'd be happy to talk to you if you can stay calm, not raise your voice and try to understand what I am thinking, even if you disagree with it. Do not try to get me to think your right. I am clear that you think my decisions are wrong for me. If you want to talk about it, then, we will.. if you don't raise your voice or yell. You have to acknowledge my right to make my own decisions.

She wrote me….

I'll admit I am not particularly curious about the Fat Acceptance Movement or the Health at any size movement. I haven't looked into either of them. I haven't asked you about them because I honestly think they are toxic for you. I don't say that to be cruel, I only say it because you asked. I know that it is not fair to form an opinion about something I don't know much about. It isn't even in my character to do that. But I do know what you've told me about them and what you've sent to read. I agree with their stand on acceptance and tolerance. I also firmly believe that you do not have to be "skinny" to be healthy. However, I honestly feel (and am only saying this because you asked) that you have taken it to the next level by using these "movements" as an excuse to continue unhealthy habits like over eating and avoiding exercise. I know you may feel my choice of words by saying "killing yourself" might have been harsh, but it is truly how I see it. When you bring up the scientific research argument, it makes sense to you, but you don't consider the research on both sides. If you are going to feed into a belief and truly take it on as a tool to leading a lifestyle, you need to consider its opposition as well. When you consider your vote for president, do you only research one candidate? An analogy Dxxxx gave to me was, "Some people live long healthy lives into old age and are smokers, but does that make smoking any less risky?" I feel like that analogy could be applied here and to really any risky decisions we make in our lives.

Are you fellow Fat-o-sphere folks seeing the hypocrisy in her argument here…

I wrote her this…

"As far as the fat acceptance movement goes I need to point out to you the hypocrisy of your argument. You tell me that I am not considering all sides of the health issues (which I am) in the same paragraph that you say you are not interested is learning about this because you have already judged it without investigation.

In fact, after I tell you I have found something that I am happy about, you write in an email that you are not interested in learning about it.

Would you want to have a relationship with someone that did those things to you?

I am truly shocked at your hypocrisy here. I am saddened and hurt by your judgement.

Unless you can see, and amend your hypocrisy and judgement here, and you can express to me a commitment to have an open mind in order to get an understanding of Fat Acceptance, I guess that leaves us with cordial exchanges at family functions because under the current circumstances I have no interest in what you think or feel anymore.

I hope you decide to make a commitment to learn about FA and communicate it to me, because, for all intensive purposes, we are done if you don't.

My Love for you doesn't stop because my willingness to associate with you does.

Well folks, I am sitting here and I am surprisingly not extremely sad, although I am sad about this, not angry although I think connecting with some anger might help me, I am actually feeling proud. I am proud to be so clear on what is not acceptable behavior to me. I am proud that I am so clear on my convictions about Fat Acceptance, that I am willing to let go of something that I thought I would never let go of, my relationship with my beautiful, sister. I am happy that she has a husband that loves her so very dearly because I actually feel sad for her and want her to be supported as she clearly sees that I am willing to walk away over this.

I know nothing is forever. Maybe i will soften about my boundaries with her, even if she doesn't compromise on learning about FA, maybe not.

I have spent my life second guessing myself, always buying into other's judgement of me and turning it inward as self hatred and shame. All the years in therapy couldn't help me see what the Fat Acceptance Community has shown me in a few months.

I can stand up to family members who judge what I do, listen to them, disagree with them, and be certain about where I stand.

Yay Me!!

Cheers,

Ivan

FAT MOVIE TRAILER...

2009-10-02T10:45:00.001-04:00

this is a repost of something very important... go here for the original post which is copied below... think about supporting this effort... here is the link to the original http://acelebrationofcurves.com/2009/09/30/fat-girls-float-the-movie/

Fat Girls Float – The Movie!
My very dear friend Kira Nerusskaya has been filming a documentary about the lives of women of size for as long as I have known her, at least four years. Kira is a size activist, she testified at the Massachusetts state senate against anti-discrimination in the work place for height and weight in 2008.
FAT GIRLS FLOAT is an independent documentary in which a 300lb. filmmaker Kira Nerusskaya, takes the audience on a journey through international fat subculture, giving fat women from four counties an opportunity to have their say. Despite many glares, glances, and gloating from media, family members, medical communities and the public-at-large; fat women from four countries (England, France, Russia, and the United States) tell their tales of sorrow and success, wow and woe; discussing size discrimination, political activism (fat and size acceptance), and social networking communities. These fat women show how they need to rise above what the world thinks of them and point out their ability to overcome society’s condemnation through compassionate perseverance. In essence, fat girls float because they do not let their weight ‘weigh’ them down.
Kira is dedicated and courageous in attempting to produce a film on her own with no corporate or foundation grants. She has spent her own money, while still holding down a full time job, to travel to four different countries all to humanize and lovingly give voice to large women.
Please take the time to read her message below, watch the trailer and consider making a donation. And yes, I am absolutely honored to be in the trailer for what is sure to be an amazing film.
Hello Superstars–
I wanted to ask you if you blog–please blog about this– link it, and send it out to every one you know!
I have just began a fund raising campaign–so I am asking your help– please send this around, post it on forums,blog it , link it, send out to your friends on Facebook, etc. I have less than 90 days to raise $5,000 USD with the help of Kickstarter.
I was invited through a friend to become part of Kickstarter. It’s basically a social networking site for art projects. They let you post your project and fund raise. I am asking for the big 5g’s, and like some fat admirer’s opinions—the more the better! The site is not public yet and it required an invite from the creators, or from someone who has a project on the site. As of September 15th any project launched will have to give 5% of their amount raised to the website. NOT me. I was invited and am launching before the due date, so I feel doubly lucky and honored.
This is my first attempt at fundraising. Yet as we all know, time and money are necessary for the completion of any project. I have been working on my own time and my own dime, with about a year of down time due to lack of special equipment. Now that that’s been changed, I need some special features, animation, and help to get to the next stage of post-production, and to complete what I set out to do in 2006—let the world hear what we are like, and who we are from our own voices. And there are a few more voices I would like to add to the chorus of floaters.
This project was conceived by my being in the many communities of the fat/BBW world. I am one of you! I hope you feel I represent you well, and I hope you will embrace this endeavor. So many political and social movements throughout history have started as grassroots projects—and have gone on to change the law, social constructs within society, and the world. I can’t imagine Dr. King or Gandhi giving up-as this is all about perseverance! I know and believe in my heart that we are more powerful together than any one of us is alone. And it’s lonely trying to keep momentum; finally having some footage and trailers moves the project in a new direction.
I would feel really honored if you can join me in a $5.00 pledge, especially those whom I have supported over the years; I really need you now. I have 90 days to raise this amount. If I raise the set goal amount—I get funded and get to keep the money and keep working! If I do not meet the mark, everyone keeps their pledge and nothing happens. So I really need to make the goal! Every dollar counts! If everyone from the various bbw/fat communities gave a dollar—well, we’d have it done in a day!
Knowing that unless you can show you have a built-in audience as well have some serious experience, first time film makers have it rough in trying to get funding, especially in this economy. I have applied for funding through NYSCA, IFP, UK’s CHANNEL 4, The GOOD PITCH, and my Sheffield Doc Fest Meet the Funders submission is pending.
I was full of trepidations to ignite fundraising at the moment, as I wanted to lay low and find out the Sheffield outcome before setting off to reload a new website and look for additional funding and grant writing—which is what I have spent the better part of this year doing. But, this opportunity literally fell in my lap—and I am choosing to CARPE DIEM! It is better to move ahead slowly than stand still!
I also want to take the opportunity to once-again thank everyone who let me come in and film at their event, and to those who sat down to speak with me on film. You were and are brave! On my first shoot, one of my first interviews was with Brie Brown and she stated, “Kira, this is like a love letter to all of your fat sisters.” And then we both started to cry. Then I yelled and laughed at her for making me cry and she pointed and laughed at me for doing the same.
It’s that sense of community and love that I have enjoyed for the last 15 years as part of this community—that despite our ups and downs with media, with each other, and with ourselves—that give me courage to forge ahead and fight the good fight. I know the tides might be changing and in some way the shackles may be loosened, but I think there is a long journey still ahead to change the thoughts of people and to lift the negative connotations of fat and fat people. I want to do that, I know you want to do that, and I need your help to do that. I wanted to contribute to our community, and I thought this was a good avenue to pursue—not really knowing just how tough it would be.
Each amount donated has a special gift that comes along with it (now I really sound like I’m fundraising for public television). All the details are on the website page which I am linking below. So, find me on Kickstarter: Kickstarter: Get in the pool with Fat Girls Float.
In closing I ask if you can send this to everyone you know, link it, post it, and blog it, or shout it from the rooftop, I’d be very grateful and then some.
Hit me up on You Tube at
“>
I hope you enjoy the trailer (s) and its message, and I hope you join me in showing the world that FAT GIRLS FLOAT.
Warm regards from my bikini,
KIRA NERUSSKAYA, Director
FAT GIRLS FLOAT
NEW YORK CITY
fatgirlsfloat@gmail.com
ps. please subscribe/add/favorite/comment on the trailers, and add me on facebook!

Imagine there's no Fat Hate....

2009-10-02T08:34:00.003-04:00

My Fiend Eszter posted this http://www.moreofmetolove.com/blogs/entry/5-things-i-learned-and-3-commitments-i-made-after-attending-the-2009-naafa-/ on the MoreofME to love site and for whatever reason it inspired me to write this...

sing it in your head to the tune of John Lennon's "Imagine"

Imagine there's no Fat Hate
every body's fine
No hateful comments
none of us do cry
Imagine all the people
loving everyone

Imagine all the doctors
Being fair and true
No greedy agendas
All they see is You
Imagine all the patients
getting what they need

You may say I'm a dreamer
But you all know the truth
I hope someday the world get's "it"
And Health with be number one

Imagine no Fat Hatred
I wonder if we can
No need to shame children
to think that they are bad
Imagine all the bodies
Sharing all the World

You may think we are dreamers
But we're not the only ones
I hope someday everyone gets it
And we all can live as one.

Cheers,

Ivan

FAT SALSA DANCING

2009-09-28T14:16:00.003-04:00

Before I knew that there was a fat acceptance movement I stopped dieting. I decided that I was going to live as happy a life as I could as a fat man. At the time I though to myself, well if the risks of me dying sooner are going to increase, then that is a consequence of my decision that I am going to have to live with. I din;t know then that there was perhaps a chance that not dieting could do more to improve my health than I thought.

I gained my way up to about 300 and started doing things that I love. I started riding my bike, which is one of my favorite things to do. I started salsa dance classes and found a love for movement that did something to me on levels of my being that i didn't even know I had.

I joined e harmony and put full length photos of my fat body dressed in clothing that I purchased with the help of a fancy New York City Stylist (had a lot of fun working with her and she had a lot of fun working with me!! Hey NYC fatties.. she is awesome http://www.kreativekouture.com/index.html ) I started going out on dates with a few nice girls.

I was living my life.

I have Crohn's disease (in remission for a long time, THANK GOD!!) and over the course of the last 15 years I have had about 8 surgeries to cut out the diseased parts of my intestines. The geometry of my digestive tract was amended for an ostomy and all the various complications from Crohn's and multiple surgeries.

At the end of June 2007, at 330 pounds I had an awful weekend of stomach cramps and fever. On Friday night I went on a first date with a nice girl but had to cut the date short due t my fever and chills. I went home and tried to sweat it out but at 4 am on a Sunday I called 911 and was on an operating table a few hours later. My intestines had strangulated and ruptured, sepsis had set in, and all the mesh inside from prior surgeries was riddles with the yucky stuff that infections create.

The short version of my odyssey is 12 weeks in ICU, the first five in a coma on a ventilator. Paralyzed from the chest down when I woke up. 16 more weeks in a rehab being nursed back to the point where I could get in and out of a wheel chair so I could go home with a health aid. I weighed in at 217 when I entered the nursing home from the nasal feeding and the loss of muscle mass. The moment I was allowed to eat I gained all the weight back.

One of the thoughts that I held onto was going back to dance class. I would imagine myself twirling some beautiful girl around the dance floor of a salsa club, flirting, perhaps meeting someone, perhaps, (Dare I Hope?) find someone to be in relationship with.

The fat stigma, fat hatred, and pressure from most of my family was so intense that I had to set boundaries that made talking about my weight, health, diet, and moment off limits.

I knew I wasn't going to try to start to lose weight. I knew that wouldn't work. I was too weak to walk, let alone ride the bike or go to dance class. I wasn't moving much at all so the weight creeped up to 380.

But I held onto my vision of dancing again. I am not sure how I am going to get there. Most recently I have severe breathing problems that makes the slightest exertion cause me to lose my breath. I want to get back to dance class but I am in the chair gasping for air after 20 or 30 seconds of dancing. No matter. I believe in the thought system called the Law of Attraction and the how isn't anywhere near as important as my believing in the possibility.

I found my way to HAES and FA and knew that the movement that made my heart sing was dancing. However, while my heart was saying yes yes yes, my lungs were saying not yet.

Well…. I found a dance class here in NYC http://www.meetup.com/thedancingpath/ that was a mix of spirituality, expressive movement, emotional therapy and it was open to all levels. I showed up with my 380 pound body, my leg braces, my walker and I must confess a tremendous amount of excitement. At the door we were asked to remove our shoes, which is not an option for me anywhere other than my apartment. The gyrations, and the struggle with the leg braces and just reaching my laces is a big deal with the way my giant pearish apple shaped body. Long story short I couldn't participate in the class because of my street shoes.

The lung thing got worse after this class and I skipped the next two classes because there weren't any chairs for me to take a break on.

While this was disappointing it didn't detract from my knowing that I will dance again. I love dancing and I have no idea when or how, but I am certain that it will happen.

I went to this dance class on Saturday night. When the email came announcing it a few weeks ago, the teacher added something called a Drum Circle. After a few emails, and a search on Craig's list, I showed up for the class. When I got out of the cab, I could hear the drumming three flights up. I rolled my walker and my drum up the elevator, slipped off my crocks ( which I vowed never to buy ) and I took a chair with the drummers.

There was no music. Only drummers. About 15 of them. The dance studio was filled with about 40 dancers or all ages. I sat in my chair and I started drumming. And I started Dancing in my chair while I was drumming. And the tears of joy overcame me because I was dancing. I knew I would. There was never any doubt I would. It looked a little different from Salsa, but every molecule of my being rejoiced, celebrated, sang, and cried out in joy as I pounded my drum, and danced my dance in the chair.

And ya know what, I never lost my breath!!! I drummed for two hours straight. It was about the sitting.

On the cab ride home, I felt that endorphin rush that I hadn't felt since before the surgery.

I found my dance!

Cheers!

Ivan

Repost: Things to consider about Fat "Studies" and "Research"

2009-09-25T00:29:00.002-04:00

I wanted to repost this from another blogger here because it makes some very good points about how "Obesity Research and Studies" can contribute to misinformation and stigma. You can see the actual post and her blog at http://obesitytimebomb.blogspot.com/2009/09/beginners-guide-to-reading-obesity.html

22 September 2009
A Beginner's Guide to Reading Obesity Research

I've been reading quite a bit of obesity research recently and I want to share some of my thoughts about how fat people might read such research with a critical eye.

I know the idea of reading material that is intensely fatphobic is not everyone's idea of fun, but I think it is important that we dip in to this stuff from time to time so that we can: keep up with what they are saying about us; develop better research models for fat; develop a critical eye in order to distinguish between research that provides useful information, and research that makes things a lot worse for fat people.

You don't have to read heavy research reports to get a flavour of current obesity research. This is the stuff that also crops up in news report after news report. You know the type of thing, it starts with a sensationalist headline making some kind of preposterous claim about fatness, there's invariably a picture of a headless fatty, some quote from an obesity expert, and the reiteration that being fat is a very bad thing. What I'm going to say below applies to this kind of report as much as it does to the more formal scholarly publication.

Think of what follows as a mental check-list to help you read material that claims to be obesity science, it's like reading a food label to check for dodgy ingredients. Maybe approach this kind of material in the same way that you might do if you were lifting a rock to have a look at the worms and insects wriggling away underneath, all that stuff is interesting to look at but you're really glad that you don't have to live down there.

1. Check the date, is it silly season? This is the time of year when people are likely to be away on holiday and the media is increasingly desperate to find material to fill its dead air. More stories, especially salacious fat panic reports, get through that would otherwise flounder under quality control guidance.

2. Google any experts that are quoted. Find out their interests, especially how they make a living. It is common for such experts to be paid employees or directors of weight loss companies, or organisations directly sponsored by the weight loss industry, such as the International Obesity Task Force, the Association for the Study of Obesity, the National Obesity Forum, and others. Decide for yourself how neutral or trustworthy an expert you think they are. Also, anyone who refers to themselves as an obesity expert is likely to be a bit of a dick, especially if they are not at all fat.

3. Think about how the news story came to be made. Journalists and editors may twist research findings for the sake of an exciting story (I have done this!). Think of the media as a distorting mirror for research, bear in mind that it has its own vernacular and pressures, that it is likely to simplify, reduce and mis-quote complex research findings, or that stories are often cobbled together quickly from a press release without much quality control.

4. Think about why the research is being done. What kind of starting out assumptions does it make about fat people? Does it begin with a paragraph or two about the perils of the obesity epidemic? Does it appear to question such an epidemic? What is it supporting? Do the researchers use Body Mass Index as a measure of health without any critical understanding of it? Do you think BMI is an accurate representation of heath? What does this tell you about the values implicit in the research? Do the research findings support these values?

5. Where are they coming from? Try and imagine how the researchers might answer if you asked them: do you think being fat is a problem? This can help you work out what kind of perspective they are bringing to their research, which is important but not always stated clearly. You could also ask: do you think fatphobia is a problem?

6. Think about what claims are being made by the research in terms of its scientific purity. Is it claiming to present truth or facts? If so, go back and reconsider the perspectives being put forward by the authors. Remember that 'truth' and 'facts' depend on what people think and believe; 'facts' made by the weight loss industry about fatness vary a great deal from 'facts' that I know about my own fat body, for example. Looking at the research findings, what other versions of the truth could be made?

7. Try and find out who is funding the research. Don Kulick writes in Fat Studies in the UK that all research about pet obesity is produced by pet food companies, for example. I know pets are different to humans, but it illustrates how funding can affect the scope of the research and its findings, which then get reported as facts. Sometimes you may have to dig a little for this information.

8. Think about the process by which the researchers got their hands on the funding. Try to imagine what they might have had to say in order to get the money. Might they have had to downplay any interest in fat politics, for example, or play up their support for the treatment and prevention of obesity? You can't know the answer to this for sure, but who gets the funding and why they get it, and what gets left out, is part of the context for obesity research. Also, what happens to researchers who have no funding?

9. How big is the research sample? By sample I mean the people who are being studied. One of the National Health Service Care Pathways for dieticians in the UK is based on research on a group of nine people. Do you think a study of nine people can make conclusive claims about all fat people? No! So size makes a difference in the outcome of the study.

10. What does the sample look like? If it's a sample of fat people, are they suffering from any prior ailments? This affects research claims made about fat people and health. Is there any acknowledgement or accommodation in the research of social influences on health, for example discrimination? How might discrimination or stigma impact on the sample or affect the findings? How representative is the sample of all the rad fatties you know?

11. How are variables defined and interpreted? Variables are the things that the research is studying, for example weight loss, ethnicity, activity. The way the research is set up means that although variables appear to be neutral, the way they are defined and interpreted is not neutral at all. Here's an example: Jane Ogden, a well-respected obesity expert, presented a paper about weight loss surgery at the Size Matters? conference earlier this year. She defined 'success' as someone who had lost weight after surgery. This means that cases could be defined as 'successful' where the person who had had surgery was suffering terrible surgery-induced health problems, as long as they had lost weight. That doesn't sound like a 'successful' surgery to me, quite the opposite.

12. Have a look at the source material cited in meta-studies about obesity. Such big studies are basically studies of studies, and they sometimes make pompous claims about being very reliable. But if they are based on source material that is not particularly reliable, for any of the reasons I've mentioned here, then their reliability too is questionable. It's also a good idea to see what meta-studies include and exclude, for example do they include material that is critical of taken-for-granted claims about fat? If they don't then they're missing out a lot of important stuff.

13. Ask to see the original data and report, if you can.

14. Think about where the research has been published. Peer-reviewed publications are seen as the gold standard for reliable research, but there have been reports recently about fake journals, people being paid to put their names to dodgy research, and in-house publishers owned by the businesses benefiting from the research. Do some homework and decide on the reliability for yourself.

15. Become a fan of Bad Science.

16. Make time for self care after immersing yourself in the strange world of obesity research. Blog or share your findings, do something fun to get any residual fatphobia out of your system. Keep breathing.

Edited to add: I forgot to mention a few more things...

Health. Most obesity research is about fat and health because this is the agenda that most interests upholders of fat panic. Much of my comments here refer to health research. The fact that, aside from researching weight loss, other kinds of obesity research are sidelined also says a lot about what gets funded and what does not, and what is deemed important. If I was the boss of all research funds I would fund a far broader range of stuff, it would be interesting and useful, for example, to know more about the effects of fatphobia on people of all sizes.

Sampling strategies. How researchers find samples also affects the research outcomes. There are books about this, go and have a look at one if you can tolerate this level of geekiness. What I will also say, however, is that the sample is really important, so check for possible bias in it. For example, a study about people's attitudes to fatness based on a sample of fat women who go to Weight Watchers is going to have a different outcome to a study of fat women who go to NOLOSE.

Stats. There's some stuff I could say about statistical maths too, which I won't because I barely understand it myself. Suffice to say that there are different ways of manipulating statistical/quantitative data to provide different research outcomes.

One final thing, a really important thing. Studies may find a correlation, or a relationship, between a number of variables. So a study could find that there's a relationship between fatness and unhappiness, for example. But this doesn't mean that being fat necessarily makes you unhappy. A statistical relationship is just that, not a cause or an explanation.

Posted by Charlotte Cooper at 14:53
Labels: activism, fat panic, fat studies, obesity research, weight loss industry

Exceptions to Fat Acceptance

2009-09-19T21:38:00.002-04:00

So often I hear the talk around the fat acceptance community proclaim it is possible to be obese and healthy or some sort of personal report in some sort of form like I am in better shape at 230 lbs and 5'4 than my spouse.

I think this is the area that I am trying to find my own personal peace with. I am trying a weight neutral approach to my various health issues. My trouble with it is that so much of the data and the "press" about the size acceptance movement is about the erroneous correlation of health issues with fat. So I think to myself, where does that leave me, with my asthma, my nerve damage, my difficulty moving around. I am accepting myself, however, I can't seem to find my own consistent logic in being size neutral and working on my health issues.

I get that I am working on my own fitness ( walking more, going to a drum circle in place of the dance class I do not have the lung capacity to handle. I am considering buying an adult tricycle so I can go biking which I love but don't have the lung capacity to handle a two wheeler.)

I think I understand that the weight cycling and the resulting set point changes are more damaging than any benefits from losing the weight,

Yet, when it comes to all the fat hate, I feel like I have to do like I used to do in photos.. I would hide in the back so all that would appear in the photos was my head. I feel that way with the FA movement, like I have to hide in the back out of site when all the fat and fit, fat and healthy talk dominates the battling of the fat hate.

I sound a little whiney here and I do not want to... I am grateful, happy and glad to be a part of this. I would like to find a little more certainty of where I stand... I'd like to feel a little more included and a little less excluded when the community talks about the erroneous studies linking this or that health issue to my fat.

When I spoke of my health challenges at the conference, I spoke to some amazing people who use scooters to zip around. I can get around with my walker, (with a cane on a good day) but I don't zip. I get winded if I move any faster than a snail. But I do move. So now, with the safety of the conference all but gone, I am back to thoughts of what I look like with my walker and what people think of me. I feel awkward if I run into someone who hasn't seen me with a walker and I anticipate feeling ashamed because I am fat with a walker... the truth is that two years ago, my intestines became "strangulated", and ruptured, sepsis started, a brilliant surgeon saved my life, but I spent 5 weeks in a coma and I woke up paralyzed from the neck down, Seven months in a rehab nursing home got me to the point where I cold use a wheelchair and now two years after that emergency I can use a walker and don't have to wear the leg braces when I do... So I am a winner, a strong survivor,

Yet, sometimes, as I wait here in NYC for the bus driver to lower the chairlift so I can get on the bus... I see the folks looking at my size and I spend too much time thinking about what they might be thinking about me. I know that I have come so far.

When I hear you can be fat and healthy, I wonder to myself how much farther I might be in my recovery if I wasn't Fat...

I'd really like to find a place to stand in my beliefs about myself that I feel certain about when it comes to my own personal Fat Acceptance.

Most of FA/ HAES I can do that with, I get shaky only when I think about the arguments based on Fat can Be Healthy. I do believe that there are a lot of fat and healthy folks out there.

I am a fat guy with some serious health and mobility problems. Sometimes I think that I am not worthy of fat acceptance because I have all these health problems.

Has anyone else found their way through this type of concern and if so how?

Cheers,

Ivan

Stop the Soul Smashing and Spirit Stomping of our KIDS!

2009-09-08T10:35:00.003-04:00

Having just read this excellent post I am wondering what I can do to help reduce/eliminate the soul and spirit bashing of fat youth. As the study said, all the political and economic engines that support policies and procedures that DON'T WORK are absolutely illogical. Sadly, it seems, that only a minority of heath professionals, and policy makers have any concept of the harm they are doing to these kids by asking them to do what seems to not be possible, at the very least impractical.

I feel so much passion for this issue and I am not sure how to channel it. These kids are being taught that there is something wrong with them when what is actually wrong is the reasoning that the influential figures in their life are using to tell them there is something wrong with them.

Please Please Please post the links to good people like the blogger above, to other coalitions of folks who can see the injustice and misguided morality that is telling kids that there is something BAD or something WRONG with them, when there seems to be no scientific evidence that supports it.

I am just a Fat guy trying to find my way to a happy life which sadly still involves battling with the soul stomping and the spirit smashing that I have been subject to (and still am in a lot of circumstances). I am not credentialed so my voice will be harder for many in power to hear. I do want to herald folks, or find the folks who have already marshaled the forces to help the kids.

I am open to suggestions. Who wants to save some kids with me? Who wants my help to save some kids!!s

You Can't Fast Forward through the Grieving Process

2009-09-06T20:12:00.001-04:00

I have been feeling a little overwhelmed the past few weeks. There have been many things I wanted to post about, yet, I couldn't find the focus to sit down and write.

I have been feeling regret and sadness. These are not feelings I usually do well with. My usual reaction is to sleep and isolate (along with eating) and sort of disassociate from the unpleasant feelings.

I have been keeping up with the blogs. Frankly, I am a little exhausted with all the politics, the fat hat, and mostly the disappointment that my family cannot understand and appreciate me and my journey here.

I arranged with my sister in law to surprise the family at her beach house on the jersey shore. A lot of the family was visiting and she and I colluded that I would come down to spend some time with the family. I don't particularly like taking the train, however, it is bearable during off peak hours. I expected to take a ride back with my parents the next day as they planned to return to the city. There was a little confusion about my arrival time, which we worked out via a few text messages and I had an uneventful two hour train ride to the lovely upscale beach town where they built the " Dream House" I don't visit them during the summer there because they do not use the air conditioning and I am extra sensitive to the heat and humidity. Luckily this last week of summer was mild and I felt up to spending some time down there.

When I arrived there was a very weird energy, a strange dynamic. Everyone seemed distant and no one made eye contact with me except my delicious nephews. At some point shortly after we greeted each other with polite kisses on the cheeks, (usually we hug each other when we haven't seen each other for some time) my Father apologized that he wouldn't be able to give me a ride home because he was taking my two nephews back to the city with them. I questioned why the three of us could sit in the back seat. In my mind these are two tiny boys and my dad has the giant lexus sedan (a late model one before they made the back seat smaller) My sister in law sort of chimed in that the boys have grown a lot. My father sort of disappeared from the room and the way the exchange went down made me uncomfortable, suspicious, and a little angry. I didn't push on the issue because I wasn't in the mood for a confrontation but I was ready to get back on a train and go home.

Later on while playing cards with my nephews, (the loving, fun part of the visit) I asked the boys if they still used the booster seats. I was going to ask them if they were uncomfortable sitting in the back seat with me but i decided against it as I didn't want to involve them in whatever it was that was going on.

A little later on my dad said something about he was sorry he couldn't fit my walker into the trunk and take me home. I thought to myself, hey, wait a minute, my sister in law said it was because my nephews have grown. Now my father is saying it is about space in the trunk for my walker. My bullshit meter was topping out. I didn't feel like getting into it so I just kept quite.

When dinner was announced, we were summoned to the patio table in the back yard. The patio chairs were uncomfortable for me 60 pounds ago. I quietly went outside and asked my sister in law if there was a chair without arms that i could bring outside. She said there wasn't one. The dining room chairs were all without arms but again, I didn't want to get into it with them. So I positioned a picnic bench perpendicular to the round table and went inside to wash my hands. When I got back outside the bench was placed parallel to the table. They asked me if that was okay and I told them yes. I was very upset at this point. The weirdness around the car ride home. My sister in law not offering to allow me to bring out a chair and asking me to use an entire picnic bench. Now I couldn't make eye contact with any of them as I was just disgusted with their disgust of me.

Then the migraine hit me. It has been years since I had one. I started seeing the white spots and got very sensitive to the light very fast. I jumped up and made myself two shots of expresso ( my remedy for a migraine - only works if you get the caffeine in your system as soon as the spots come) and I withdrew to my bedroom to be in the dark. I now see this was my body getting me out of the vicinity of the family who seemed to be deceiving me in some way about the ride back into the city the next morning and my sister in laws ungraciousness towards me about the chair. The migraine was my excuse to get away from all of them.

My brother in law was able to get out early from his job and he came down to the beach which enabled me to catch a ride back to the city with him in the morning. When I got in the car, he said, your much larger than the last time I saw you. I didn't respond, but I thought, there are a lot worse things in life than being larger and for the first time in my life I am finding a little dignity, community, and happiness thanks to my involvement in the Fat Acceptance Community. Again, I just didn't want to get into it.

My sleep that night, next to an open window, with the cool ocean breeze comforting me as I rested was really nice. The ocean views were beautiful. My brother's beach house is very beautiful.

So I guess I will not be going back to any family functions at the beach house, or to my parents house in the Berkshires. If I do go, I am going to make sure that I have my own transportation, as I am not interested in comments about my size as I accept a ride back from anyone. I guess if I do go I should bring my own folding chair so I can sit comfortably when the family wants to eat outside. Who am I kidding. I don't think I am going to be visiting anyone at their summer homes anymore. I just don't have the emotional strength right now to deal with what appears to be drama for them and for me.

I wonder, is this all my shit? Is all this emotional stuff on my side of the street? Should I have specifically asked my sister in law about the dining room chair? Should I have asked her what she was talking about when she said her boys had gotten bigger and needed the entire Lexus back seat to themselves? Should I have asked my father why he was telling me about an overloaded trunk when my sister in law was telling me that the boys needed the room in the back seat to themselves as the reason why they couldn't give me a ride home? Should I have told my stepbrother that I'd prefer for him to not make comments to me about my size anymore when he was nice enough to offer me a ride home?

This morning, my other sister just invited the family to her home for a brunch. Do I ask her to make sure there is a comfortable chair without arms for me to sit at when we eat? Do I decline the invitation?

I have been involved with a spiritual teacher over the last four years who says there is nothing more important than that I feel good. Thinking about this family get together and the ones that are coming up does not make me feel good. It makes me feel bad. I put the boundaries in place about discussions of my weight or my food or my health. They are honoring them. I know that when there is a family dinner at my parents house, there give me a chair without arms for my comfort.

I love them and I feel badly that they are so convinced that I am killing myself with fat that I can feel them holding themselves back from saying stuff when we are together.

So much of whatever little positive personal identity I had was linked to being a part of this loving family. Now, with my Fat line drawn in the sand with everyone, I am not feeling drawn to spending time with a lot of them. This is very sad for me.

The song, "You Lost that Loving Feeling" sort of sums up how I am feeling about most of my family right now. I guess claiming my own personal right to be, via Fat Acceptance, might also mean letting go of some of my identity as a member of a fun loving family and accepting that things are changing as I move on in my life which they see as a self justification for staying fat and I see as my first authentic chance at a happy life.

I just wish I could fast forward through the grieving process.

Boundaries with Family; The Sister Chronicle

2009-08-24T23:37:00.000-04:00

So My sister and I got into it a little about my health tonight. I haven't set up a boundary with her about health and weight discussions before as I didn't think they were necessary. Tonight's experience with her made it clear to me that while we have been able to talk about my health and weight in the past that setting a boundry with her is going to be necessary. She, like my stepmother is blinded by her concern for me. Unlike my stepmother, she has better self management.

Here is how it went down.

We had a dinner plan near my apartment which at the last minute my sister and our friend changed to a more trendy place two blocks away. The place is usually crowded and the only chairs without arms are in back room. I told her that I'd go there, but we would have to wait for a table in this room. She said no problem we could have a drink at the bar while we waited. I am not comfortable sitting on bar stools nor was I comfortable with the idea of standing. Normally, I'd have no problem standing in a bar for a table, but I have had two difficult days with the asthma and the humidity has been intense so standing in a crowded bar seemed difficult to me.

When I told her I'd have to wait outside on my walker, she got very upset and in a tone that is hard to describe.... a cross between her yelling at me in an angry way and a very frightened outburst... she said, "What walker, Your using a walker, oh Ivan." To which I said, Marjorie, I am gonna pass on dinner, you go out with Shawn. She then said, That's not fair, just because I am upset about you using a walker doesn't mean you get to keep me from seeing you. I told her to let me get off the phone for 10 minutes while I decide what to do. She sent me a text saying, " I won't deny my sadness about your physical state, but I miss u & want 2 C U. I'm on my way. Please come.

In hindsight, standing at the bar would have been doable, but the last minute change of venue threw me.

I went there without my walker, just a cane. I planned to take a cab for the three blocks, but when I got outside it wasn't humid so I walked there. When my sister arrived, she didn't bring it up, and we just visited and enjoyed each other. ( see her ability to self manage in play here )

As I sit here and write this, I am feeling sadness as I realize I am going to have to set a similar boundary with her. She and I have always said the we were the closest to each other. We are the were the two black sheep in the family. I am still the big fat sheep while she has married, bought a beautiful home and is making a nice life with a super guy I really like. I realize tonight that I have to move my sister out of the "closest person in my life" to the column with my stepmother in it. This makes me very very sad (as I tear up typing this last sentence) It feels very scary and very lonely to symbolically send her off on her way to a place where there are limits to what we can talk about. (more tears, throat tightening up)

It is sad, but it is necessary. I do not want to hear that she is sad about my physical condition. I do not want drama when we decide where to go to eat ( if we ever do this again ) I want to be able to tell my sister anything, anytime, just like we could when we were growing up.

The truth is that my growing up in my new space of Fat Acceptnence is sending her into the column with my stepmother. It is much harder giving her these marching orders that it was to give them to my stepmother.

I said that I would divorce myself from relationship with my parents if they wouldn't honor my boundaries, and I just can't, in this moment, with these tears, and this choked up throat, say that I could do that with my sister.

I love her too much.

Wow this really, really hurts.

What about the kids?

2009-08-24T05:43:00.000-04:00

Some very smart folks from Canada put together a website to teach kids about size acceptance and HAES. It is called "The Student Body" http://research.aboutkidshealth.ca/thestudentbody/learningModuleSelection.asp and this description appears on the "about" page: "The Student Body training modules are designed for elementary school teachers who work with children in grades 4, 5, and 6. This is a primary prevention resource designed to help children develop positive body image and reduce their risk for developing unhealthy eating behaviors."

As I looked through the site (it is amazing) I thought of myself in grades 4, 5, and 6. It was an awful time for me. I was the fattest kid in school. I was ashamed of my body. I loathed gym class where I would have to change in the locker room with the other boys, who would tease me about my size. I was the slowest kid. The gym teacher, Mr. Engman, a short, stocky, typical ex military type would bark at us to do this or that. To this day I can remember the start of one gym class where he sent the entire class out to run around the field behind the school. I remember as the last of the kids left my line of sight and I was alone out there, huffing and puffing, making my way back to the gym. As I walked passed the windows of the classroom I wondered who was looking out at me, seeing my utter inferiority and dreading the fact that my tormentors, the kids, would use this embarrassment against me for days. As I made my way inside, the teacher had all 50 or so kids sitting in the center of the gymnasium giving them some sort of lecture. As I sat down I scanned at light speed all the kids eyes looking at me, seeing my fatness and my slowness and my not good enoughness. As I sat down in the back, the teacher told the class that we have the fastest kid in the school (pointing out Billy McCarry) and he paused and then he said "but we also have the slowest" and the kids burst out in laughter. It was my bucket of blood over my head from the movie "Carrie" moment. I can see in my minds eye all the kids now laughing at me in slow motion. I feel such love and sadness for that little me.

As I looked through this amazing Canadian website I thought about all the little fat boys in elementary schools all over this nation walking around in shame of their bodies and their physical abilities. I feel awful for these young boys as many of them are not only ashamed of their size and abilities but, like I was, ashamed of who they are. This shame is reinforced by all the Fat Hating stuff that if you are reading this blog you are all too familiar with.

I always thought that I might find myself back in those schools as a teacher or a therapist or a public speaker sharing with kids about the evils of Fat Hatred. Training teachers to be sensitive to the special needs of kids who were suffering from the same stuff I suffered from. (not that anyone would want a fat guy in the schools as an example of anything other that what you do not want to become)

At the convention I was chatting up a flight attendant who was at the hotel bar the same time I was ordering something and she told me that her son was upset because the teacher he was assigned to for second grade was fat and none of the kids wanted to be in her class because she didn't take care of herself. If our fat hating culture has captured the minds of first graders, I wonder if grades 4 5 and 6 which the program targets might be too late.

If the war on obesity has positive effects at the expense of crushing the self concept, self esteem and sense of worthiness of (being conservative) 1000 young boys, would not that be considered institutionalized child abuse?

What is wrong with us that we can let this happen?

Boundaries with Family

2009-08-21T21:16:00.000-04:00

Well I need some help with what seems to me to be a difficult situation. I could use some help with this before I decide what action to take. I'd appreciate the thoughts of anyone willing to comment.

I got this email from my stepmother today responding to my reinforcing my boundary that we should not talk about my food, my weight and my health.... it read, "interestingly, once again i reread your communication and i totally understand your apprehension concerning discussions that might lead to disagreements causing you anxiety that you would rather avoid......i too like to avoid anxiety..

therefore i will share with you an apprehension of mine that creates anxiety for me.

it seems to me that when we take you out to dinner, you frequently order excessive amounts of booze and food and somehow i am put in the position of enabler by your maneuvering me into feeling that it is inappropriate to comment on or discuss.

i too want to avoid anxiety....does this mean we cannot eat out together??

Simple enough. I guess I will send her an email agreeing that we should avoid going out to eat together.

Then all the questions stared flooding my mind. What about the upcoming Jewish New Year dinner? Do I ask her if I am still invited to the Holiday dinner? If I do go, do I edit what I eat at the meal to make her feel better? Do I restate my boundary before the dinner. Does she find when we eat at her house different than when they take me out to a nice restaurant? If there is a family meal happening at a restaurant, do I decline the invitation knowing that she is monitoring what I order?

Do I say something to her to the effect that I would prefer that she not invite me to join them for dinner if what I order upsets her or do I say that I prefer she not invite me to a meal where she feel she is not able to honor my boundary.

I spoke with my brother about this today and he pointed out that there is no way to avoid uncomfortable situations

I have a boundary with my family that we not discuss my weight or my health. For the most part, my Father and Stepmom have honored it. I set the boundary in an email last October or September and my folks agreed and we went on for many months enjoying each other's company.

FEEL FREE TO STOP READING HERE. THE REST OF THIS POST IS THE HISTORY OF MY SETTING THE BOUNDARIES WITH MY PARENTS ABOUT DISCUSSIONS OF MY FOOD, WEIGHT, OR HEALTH. I INCLUDE IT BELOW FOR ANYONE THAT MIGHT FIND THE INFORMATION HELPFUL IN SETTING THEIR OWN BONDARIES

7/09 I spent two days with my parents at their home in the Berkshires the week before the ASDAH/HAES conventions. We had a great time. My stepmother pushed my boundaries a little with comments about my portions sizes. I also broke my own boundaries by trying to explain to them HAES and FA. This was a big mistake. I was feeling that initial excitement about how much finding this community seemed to be a complete game changer for me and my self concept. I quickly realized that finding a place where my parents and I can meet on the HAES concepts is not gonna happen.

On the 8/14 I got this email from stepmother:

so i was watching tv on the fitness channel which your father arranged to be the first thing that comes on when you turn on the tv.......and since i was busy with the computer, i didn't change the channel immediately...sometimes i like to imagine exercising from

my prone position in bed

anyway, to the point i heard this nutrition program where they gave you alot of excellent information

it concerned what to cook, how often to eat and talked about an exercise program... the name of the show was ultimate goals

and ps.. fyi...they talked about diet soda and it was a definite no no

because it contains aspartame which has the same effect as sugar on your system ....so the drink of choice was water

so i thought i would share with you

love, e

I responded with the email that follows reinserting my boundaries.

> Eileen,

> I think it is fortuitous that you sent out an email to me today as I just got home from a "check in" visit with Dr. Kim that she and I agreed would be a smart thing to do every 3 or 4 months.

> Guess who was one of the topic's of discussion? You're right, it was you.

> I really do appreciate your concern. I also think that we should stay away from this subject of discussion. When I visited you guys recently, I realized that I have too much emotionally vested in wanting your support and approval and when it comes to my food, weight, and exercise, it just can't happen cause we have different ideas about what is best for me.

> I like what we have going on and I think opening the door to discuss what and how I am handling my health decisions is just too dangerous a road for us.

> I'd love to tell you all of the great things I am doing for my health since I saw you last so that you can be proud of me and not worry about me. I also know that it can only turn into a debate about the difference in what your thoughts and my thoughts are about my health decisions which will lead to other unpleasant exchanges, and that would lead to me withdrawing and I like talking and hanging out with you.

> I will let you know that Dr. Kim and I are in total agreement with my course of actions and we plan to see each other for another "check in" in a few months.

> Let's find stuff to talk about like our Beloved President who is right now taking the podium for another "town hall" How can you not be happy to have such a wonderful President! am i right of what?

My stepmothers response to this was "about the president, we agree!!!!!"

Well at least my boundary was back up. She implied she disagreed with my boundaries but I felt I could count on her to respect them.

Then a few days later, I got this from her..

hi again

i reread your message and i am sure you are right about sticking to safe topics to save all of our feelings

i hope you are having a great day

love,e

Great, right? I'm feeling good. We are going to move forward with our awesome relationship.

Then the email that I started this post came this morning...

Prior to this I sent a great email last october that put up the boundary making discussion of my eight, food and health off limits. It worked really well for all of us until this past month.

here it is.

Dad/Eileen,

While I am not great, I am okay. Getting back to work is a good thing (getting out of the apartment each day, etc) More good things will come, in time.

The work situation is a disappointment, the team there is unmotivated, the branch location is out of the way without a lot of new business coming in, the leaders in the branch do not follow direction from the Market Leaders. So a lot of the things I loved about the Job before I left, aren't part of the Job in this slot.

I do enjoy the day to day interaction with the customers. I do also know that I am lucky to have a job. The ability to move around and get back and forth to and from work is amazing.

I still see Dr. Kim as needed.

There is nothing you can do for me to speed up any part of my recovery or health. Nothing you can do about my weight, my job situation, my moving from okay back to great. Only I can do that. Only I can find the motivation, the willingness to do more.

I wish that every time we see each other didn't trigger in you concern and worry, but I know that this is not possible. I wish there were things for you to be happy about, excited about. Hopefully soon.

I hope we can find a way to hang out and see each other and enjoy each other's company.

I know you are concerned, worried and want to see me doing something more than I am doing. I will do more in time. Right now, giving myself credit for getting back to work and showing up there everyday has got to be enough. I cannot get down on myself right now. Only bad things can come from me delving into regret and disappointment in myself. I will not go there.

Discussions and communications between us about why I am not doing more, or suggestions of what I can do next can only lead to frustration and heartache, and, ultimately to me avoiding you guys. I don't want that.

Let's just hang out or get together when we all feel we can focus on things other than what I am going to do for myself, or how you can help me feel or do better. We all know that this road leads to nowhere good.

I like the email chess exchange, it is a nice way to stay in touch and enjoy something together.

I am hanging in there, showing up or work, expecting good things to come my way.

I love you and am very grateful for your Love and help and concern.

Ivan

Fat Hatred, Bigotry and Forgiveness?

2009-08-17T12:12:00.000-04:00

Re: An economist discusses whether fat people should pay more for health care

I have been thinking a lot about the heart surgeon, Dr. Cosgrove who is the CEO
if the Cleveland Clinic. On August 16, 2009, in the New York Times Magazine
article http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/16/magazine/16FOB-wwln-t.html?_r=1&scp=2&sq=Leonhardt&st=cse titled, "Fat Tax" he said that if it were up to him, if there weren't
legal issues, he would not only stop hiring smokers. He would also stop hiring
obese people.

My initial reaction to this was defensive. Just another attack in the war on
obesity. I read a satirical letter http://wellroundedtype2.xanga.com/709880000/legal-discrimination/ written from the perspective of the Doctor that pointed to all the hateful, discriminatory aspects of his views.

I posted and I tweeted my concern about the Fat Hatred. I imagined writing a
letter to every board member of the Cleveland Clinic about the hateful, bigoted
stance of their CEO.

Then I thought about the good doctor. A Heart Surgeon who leads the best Heart
Surgery Center in the country. I thought about his world view. I thought about
the fact the his religion is Heart Surgery. I thought about all his years of
dedication to the human heart. I thought about the the times that he had a
patient die in front of him while he was trying to save their life. I thought
about how in his world view, the behavior of overeating being the variable that
tipped the scales preventing him from saving lives.

I thought about all the hearts this Doctor has repaired. The impact he and his
Cleveland Clinic has had on heart surgery world wide. I had to conclude that
the world is a better place because there are heart surgeons. In the religion
of Heart Surgery, this guy is a Pope.

I felt like I need to give this guy a pass for his beliefs about me and my fat
community. I had an internal shift inside myself about being disappointed with
his perspective, but forgiving him for it. Really, doing what he does every
day, how could he think any differently.

I still think that we should speak to the negative effect that his comments have
on our movement. Unlike, my initial reaction when I first read the article, I
am not angry at him for making the comments. I understand that the magnitude of
good this guy and others like him bring to our world need to frame the way I
look at the comment he makes.

I then thought about the insolent twit that did some ugly fat bashing in the New
York Times early last week when reviewing the opening of JCPenny's in New York
City. I attacked her fat bigotry with an angry letter to the editor for her
hate mongering. As you can see from my "insolent twit" comment I do resent her
for making the comment. What I see though, is that when I attacked her in my
letter to the editor, I diminished the actual message I wanted to convey, which
was that her editor should have had her dial back the hatefulness of her
comments about the size selection in JCPenny's. I wonder if we as members of
the Fat Acceptance movement have areas where we need to dial back the tone of
some of our messages. Then I wonder if we need to dial them up. I am still
learning and trying to figure this stuff out for myself.

The new vision of myself from the perspective of Fat Acceptance as been somewhat
of a rebirth for me. Divorcing my worthiness from my size and eating behaviors
is a revolution in my self concept. I have a new hope for a happy life that I
never had before.

When I see something that threatens this new found sense of worth and hope I
want to attack back. I just wonder if it is okay to attack some pasty skinned,
dead in the eyes fashion reporter for her comments and allow that one of the
nation's leading Heart Surgeons erroneously thinks that obesity is simply too
much food and not enough movement.

The way markets and the economy of the south were structured in the 19th century
made many otherwise good people blind to the fact that slavery is intrinsically
wrong. I wonder if the hatred of fat is intrinsically wrong and our markets and
economy make otherwise good people blind to that possibility.

My First Letter to the Editor of the NY Times

2009-08-12T14:53:00.000-04:00

I sent the letter below in response to this in the times yesterday: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/13/fashion/13CRITIC.html?_r=1&hpw CINTRA WILSON CRITICAL SHOPPER | J.C. PENNEY Playing to the Middle Published: August 11, 2009 To the Editor: I found Ms. Wilson's hate mongering comments about people of size offensive. Disguised as clever, these comments show Ms. Wilson's true colors as a member of the media who ignorantly buys into a hatred of all who do not physically conform to her own, small minded, perception of who deserves respect and civility. This kind of hatred is analogous to racism. While I can't know if Ms. Wilson is a racist it is evident she is a mean spirited snob. Shame on the Ms. Wilson and the Times for such ugliness. Ivan Greene New York City

FAT ACCEPTANCE FROM THE INSIDE OUT INSTEAD OF THE OUTSIDE IN

2009-08-10T13:08:00.001-04:00

Since I became involved in the FA movement, I began trial prep. As I contemplated accepting myself as a fat man, most of my thoughts were, sadly, not about how my life would improve by living in a FA space, but how can I defend myself from the opposition to taking on this new point of view.

Opposing council represented many constituencies. My family who were blinded by their fear and belief that I am going to die from eating. The primary school teacher's messages about how bad my weight was for me had an impact on my self concept that reared its ugly head even today. The constant message via the media about the obesity epidemic gave rise to questions of my moral character.. The cultural messages about the unlikely (if not impossible) prospect of me finding a woman who could see past my fat to the Man I am.

I was much more concerned about how everyone except me would react to my decision to accept myself than how accepting myself would feel. All my life I have had to interact with the world outside myself with varying levels of denial, apology, and justification for being the size I am. Looking outside myself for validation of my choice to accept myself was of course the first place my mind went to.

No where in my life was this more crippling than in the arena of dating and socializing. As I entered adolescence I was so convinced of my unattractiveness (translates to unlovability) that I never got to develop a sense of virility, of my own masculinity. I just bought in to the message that no woman wants to be with a fat guy.

Meanwhile, I worked with my strengths to create a life for myself. I didn't finish college due to depression, severe Crohn's disease, and my shame for being utterly unappealing. I made my way in the work world with my brain which is pretty impressive by most standards. I could create rapport with practically anyone very quickly as long as I accepted the reality of not being a romantic prospect for anyone. I could always endear myself to the folks who made decisions about promoting me and did relatively okay for a guy without a degree.

My social life was pretty much centered in the rooms of overeater's anonymous. For those of you in the know, this is not a bastion of mental health and even if I had a great self concept about my virility, most of the dating that goes on in those rooms in centered in dysfunction. So while I never got physically intimate (save one nice 6 week tryst) I did develop a lot of friendships with the women in these rooms. There was the scent of romanticism in some of these friendships, but I was so convinced of my unattractiveness that I never made "the move" even though as I look back there were probably some opportunities to do so.

I was the proverbial incomplete package. Great on paper, Family, Money, Smart, Romantic, Emotionally Intelligent, and then there came sex. I was so ashamed of being Fat. So ashamed of my body and I was so convinced that no one could ever want to be with me that I never tried, I never made that "first move".

So now I am steeped in the FA movement for several months and I can see that there is a chance for a happy life in all areas. I still work on my "legal briefs" to address the concern of my family. I still am worried about the inevitable attacks by the Fat Hatred Movement as I "out" myself as a Fat man. However, I am also coming to see that part of living in FA is learning to navigate through the fat hatred, the fat propaganda, and now with the volatile Health Care debates going on, I need to be able to navigate my way thought the moral and political opposition.

So I am glad that there is a Fat Acceptance Movement. I am glad there is a Fat Studies movement. I am glad to be wired in on the internet. There is a place for me to live a happy life that includes dating, and hopefully a mate.

I wish there were more men willing to "Out" themselves as FA guys.. I wish there was a brotherhood if Fat men in the same way there is a Sisterhood for Fat ladies. I feel the support from the women in the movement. Most of the men in the movement are there because they Admire fat women.

I get that as a man I have had more opportunity than women to advance in the work arena as a very Fat person. If this was the also the case in the social/dating arena, it certainly eluded me.

There are lost of issues in this complex arena. I know that dating is only one of them. I feel like I have a chance at a fulfilling, complete, & happy life (including a love affair/ happily ever after thing)

Accepting myself exactly where I am right now is here is starts.

Cheers,

Ivan

A Moral Dilemma?

2009-08-08T08:55:00.000-04:00

Well I was diagnosed with an acute case of Asthma yesterday. I have been having problems with getting winded that seemed to come out of nowhere about 6 weeks ago. God Bless the PPO, I had to wait 5 weeks for an appointment. At least I have the coverage.

Being fat to the degree that I am, 380lbs/ 5'8; I tend to blame a lot on my weight. Even when I get a legitimate diagnosis like yesterday's, I feel like I brought it on myself, or that I am being punished for not taking care of my weight.

When my " I wonder what they are thinking about me" radar is on (getting better at shutting this off) I feel ashamed of my breathing, if I get winded I really feel ashamed at not taking better care of myself.

As I walk the road of Fat Acceptance, I see more clearly the self induced pain that comes from my beliefs about my fat. I am getting medication for my Asthma, I am doing my internal work. My Doctor understands the complexity of my fat and that loosing weight is not going to happen anytime soon.

Still, I am on the end of the spectrum where health related issues are a statistical reality. This brings up moral questions for me as I decide to live with Fat Acceptance instead of the constant self loathing that always accompanies my failed efforts at loosing weight.

Do I have a moral obligation to lose weight? Is my pursuit of happiness turning my focus away from a moral failing that contributes to the Health Care Crisis.

Am I a horrible person who is selfish and doesn't care about anything except what's for dinner?

I see from these ramblings that there is nothing mean spirited that could ping on my "what do they think about me" radar that could come anywhere close the thought of guilt and shame that I am earnestly trying to work through.

Time for breakfast! :)

Cheers,

Ivan

Turning off the Radar

2009-08-06T15:42:00.000-04:00

Armed with the good will showered upon me at the recent NAAFA and ASDAH conventions I have been enjoying my neighborhood (one of the nicest in New York City) with the aid of my rolling walker. I had been using a cane only to get around. Honestly I was ashamed of the way I looked with the walker. I worried about people shunning me for getting to fat to walk by myself. Since walking with the cane was much harder than using the walker, I walked a lot less. Now with a new found courage to be out in the world I was able to enjoy a spontaneous Karaoke mob form in Union Square Park and a few minutes later I listened to an amazing drummer who drew a crowd of about a hundred. I tapped my foot and shook my butt while I leaned on my walker enjoying with everyone around me.

There may have been people there who were off-put by my appearance but they didn't show up on my radar because I decided to turn the radar off.

Limbo

2009-08-04T11:35:00.000-04:00

I am new to FA and I also am in that Limbo period of learning about FA and standing in my certainty of my own self acceptance. Having spent this past weekend at two conventions with more FA folks I came away with some new ideas about this limbo period.

FA is such a complete shift in my self perception, that just deciding to accept myself as a fat man is not going to happen. I need to investigate, understand all the implications, check out the opposing viewpoints, cross reference every blog and medical study, speak with my therapist, navigate through my family's reaction to my FA and that's just off the top of my head.

To top that off, I can find, see, blog with, and meet many many awesome women living their life in FA but, even at a convention for FA, I could only find three other FAT guys in who were living in FA. (sorry to wine about that, not very manly, huh??)

One of the fat guys at the convention really had his head together and I think I may have found a mentor and role model. I am happy for that.

In talking to him and with his help, I came to see that at some point, the analysis and trying to find logical justification for being okay with being a FAT MAN holds me back from being okay with being a FAT MAN.

I agree that that analysis has to be tabled and there has to be some fake it till you make it in the process.

At some point I just need to own that my own sense of self worth needs to come from within and I must disregard all the opposition to my FA whether it be from my family, my media, or (and this is the toughest one) that inner voice that is actually a representation of all those outer forces.

I have to stop trying to get to "living in FA is right or wrong based on this or that" and stand in the truth that Living in FA is my best chance at a life of happiness and fulfillment.

I'd rather be happy and wrong (in others eyes) than miserable and in sync what those outside of myself believe and perceive.

Can I love my Body now and tomorrow?

2009-07-31T06:15:00.000-04:00

Shapely Prose had this up yesterday... http://kateharding.net/2009/07/30/guest-blogger-m-leblanc-the-fantasy-of-staying-exactly-as-i-am-or-this-far-and-no-further-this-fat-and-no-fatter/

This is what came up for me as I read what these women courageously posted there.

I'm supposed to love my body?

I weighed in at 380 at the pulminologist who I went to see last week because I am having shortness of breath for the past few weeks. Just getting my ass to the doctor was a chore, but, new to FA and HAES, I was able to walk in there without a concern about what people thought about my weight. More tests next week and minor discussions of where to find an MRI that can fit me if the tests next week don't help us figure out what is going on. (Anyone know about Big and Tall, well really only big, MRI machines in manhattan?)

There is a lot more to my story. I have also been trying to figure out where I stand with HAES and FA as I go to my first convention in a few hours. I am at the point, where the next stage is a scooter. Maybe this lung thing is going to put me in one, but I decided to take my walker to the convention even though I could get by without it, haven't used it outside for almost a year, I see the wisdom in bringing it, despite how weak it amy make me look.

I'm supposed to love my body?

Born hungry, Crohn's disease diagnosed at 12, the first surgery cutting my diseased intestines away at 16 (eight? Ten?) surgeries later I found myself back on the operating table two years ago at (41 y/o) at 330. Emergency surgery this time, not planned, intestines strangulated and ruptured, sepsis, too much damage to repair the multiple hernias, ventilator, paralyzed from the neck down and a very nervous few weeks of coma, post coma ICU, nursing home and then physical therapy.

In ICU, they gave me 1400 calories via a feeding tube during the coma, I dropped from 330 at surgery to 217 in 10 weeks, (too fast, lost a lot of what was left of muscle tissue as well as fat) When I left ICU and went to Nursing home. I blinked my eyes and was 360 and now 380. (By the way, after emergency surgery two years ago, I have only 5' of small intestine left. I'd might be 800 pounds now if I didn't have the Crohn's.

I'm supposed to love my body? 380 is bad enough. But put two giant unprepared hernia's on top of that an my body could be consider deformed.

I'm supposed to love my body?

Well, yeah I am. Right?

It got me through hell and back with the Crohn's. The two folks I personally knew who had the Crohn's as bad as I did died from it. I think my being a fat man saved me from the intense Crohn's stuff.

But then there is Craig's List, and all the "Big Guy okay just not obese" etc etc.

Can I love my body? All 380 pounds of it? Embrace it?Accept it? Can I do this when no one else does? Can I love it at 400? 500? (if those numbers come) Am I out of the rage of acceptable fatness? Am I super obese? Can I love my body if I an categorized as super obese? Am I even allowed to consider this? Dare I?

Can I ever experience myself as a worthy person if I do not?

I have to love and accept my body. I am not ready to engage in a debate about the scientific/medical merits of accepting my 380 and whatever weight is next for me. ( Thanks to all who post warnings about reading the comments on other blogs,,, something about sanity points etc)

But I have to. I have no choice at this point. I know too much about the self hatred manifesting in my intestines strangulating and rupturing (happened two years ago) ( not gonna defend the scientific reasoning here ) I just KNOW!

My body is actually pretty impressive considering all the things it's been through.

Part of me thinks that this HAES/ intuitive eating/ movement I enjoy stuff is going to result is some weight loss. Maybe it will, maybe it wont. I do know if I make HAES about losing weight, or preventing me form gaining more, I am back in the self hatred shame spiral that has done havoc on my self worth.

What I want is to be able to go back to my dance lessons ( I was going to salsa class at 330 three times a week ) I want to be able to spin a girl around a dance floor for a couple of songs before I need to sit. I want to ride my bike around New York City again. Even if I have to buy a tricycle.

I had my first night where I couldn't catch my breath a few weeks ago so I recorded a farewell video to my family in case I bite it with a sudden Heart attack or whatever. I told them that I am sure that not fighting my weight was the right thing for me. I know they cannot wrap there minds around that. Hopefully they won't have to watch it ever. It was more for me anyway.

But I do know for sure not fighting is my only option. If I fight, I lose (then gain).

I have to love my body now. I have to be at peace that there may be more severe consequences (even death) as time goes by. There may be heavier weights, less mobility. But I will be free of the self hatred and for some of the time, dare I say it, free of the shame.

However, I think if I focus on being healthier, give myself credit for the little things, let my body settle where it is at peace, then I get to maybe squeeze a lot more happy stuff out of whatever remaining days I may have. And with my track record, I might just have another 50 years left.

I wish I felt this way 100% of the time.

Verbal Attack on the Street

2009-07-16T19:09:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was walking home on 14th street when a tall man came up along side me pointing at my stomach yelling something that my ipod prevented me from hearing. I should have kept the headphones on.

"That's your fault! You got an extra 100 pounds there! I lost 100 pounds. All ya gotta do is take control.", he bellowed at me. Being the seasoned NYC pedestrian that I am, I put up my crazy force field, looked him straight in the eye, I said loudly, "No, Thank You!" and I turned around and walked in the other direction.

While I can easily chalk that off to an adult with no sensibilities, I found myself for the rest of the day and today seeing lots of glances at my stomach.

I'm just getting used to the mindset of health at any size and accepting myself as is. I even noted in a recent reply to one of the FA blogs I follow how I never see anyone staring at my stomach.

Amazing how tough it is to maintain the self acceptance mind set. I'm getting there.

fat blog post #1

2009-07-12T18:17:00.000-04:00

Well I am on this path to complete self acceptance inclusive of my obesity. I am grateful that there are wonderful people out there blazing this trail for me to follow. Most of the battle is an internal one as the Fat Acceptance movement rings so true to my heart at the same time my historic programming battles for it's right to bash my self image and sense of worthiness in all areas of my life.

I look forward to the day where I stand firmly in my conviction that I am okay just the way I am.