The fat acceptance and health at every size movement has positively affected my life. I have let go of the "dream" of being thin. I have met a bunch of wonderful people who generously welcomed me to this community and helped me understand this new paradigm about weight and health. I have had cathartic changes in the way I conceive of my worthiness which used to be smothered my my concepts around weight and fatness.
With the exception of my birth mother and one of my brothers, I have discovered that discussing my experience with fat acceptance is futile because they are so steeped in the cultural fear and hatred of fat.
My Mother still gets concerned when I order a big portion of food and makes a comment or two. When I address her comments with whatever feels right for me at the time, she listens and honors my boundaries. I know she doesn't quite understand what this FA stuff is, but she does make an effort.
My youngest brother is a prince. He reads my blog, does his own research, asks questions in the spirit of wanting to understand. My brother doesn't expect me to change. He wants me to be happy. He is concerned about the risks to my health, but he gets it. I love him so much. His empathy and his love and warmth are invaluable.
I live in New York City. He lives with his family in Hartford, CT. I don't get to see him, his wife, and my two delicious nephews as often as I'd like to. This past Sunday I went up to Hartford for a visit. As we ate lunch he told me about his New Years Resolution to do something about his weight and health. He said that as the year came to an end and he was weighing more than 200 pounds, it was time to do something about it.
He actually said that he is starving himself. His wife quickly corrected him and said that he wasn't. However, as I listened to him explain what he is doing I discovered that was exactly what he is doing. In an instant I knew how things were going to turn out. He may keep this effort up for some time. He may only last a few more days. The point is that the organism that is my brother will eventually win in my brothers battle with his set point. He told me about cutting out all cookies and sugar snacks and that he is stopping eating just before he is feeling full. He told me he struggles in the evening with hunger, but in the morning when he wakes, the hunger as passed. He said he lost 5 pounds in the first week, He was happy to report about using his treadmill in the morning and how great that feels.
I started to talk to him about the set point stuff. I wanted to ask him to look back over his history and acknowledge that every start he has made towards fitness has ended with defeat. I wanted to point out to him that breaking the 200 pound mark is indicative of the progressive effects of yo-yoing. I wanted to suggest to him that he make his entire focus about his fitness and let his weight find the place that is belongs. I want him to understand how much harder he is making it for himself by deliberately staying in a state of hunger. I hoped that he could see that forcing his body to lose weight will marshall all his biological systems to get him to put the weight back on. I want him to see how much higher his chances for success are if he keeps his focus on the fitness and eats when he feels hungry and stops eating when he feels satisfied. To hell with the scale.
But I had to consider that my brother doesn't have any expectations of me changing my behavior. He supports me in my pursuit of happiness. When he asks questions, they are in the spirit of getting a clear understanding of what I am thinking. So I decided to let it be. My brother will find what is best for him.
My brother is a great guy. He is a wonderful husband and father. His boys, (my nephews) are too delicious for words. He is also the person on earth that knows me better that anyone. So if he wants to diet and exercise himself to smaller waist, then that is his right. While his up and down weight cycling is undeniable, he is doing just fine. He feels great (both physically and mentally) when he is in the rhythm of working out. Yes, he eventually feels bad when he stops, but he handles it.
I can't know what is best for my brother. I do suspect that a modification to his approach here that is more in sync with HAES, has a better chance of lasting longer. I also know that I am not his keeper.
I want nothing but happiness for him, which is the same thing that he wants for me. Thanks to this movement I now know that my happiness is not contingent on what I weigh.
Cheers,
Ivan
Monday, January 11, 2010
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Morality of my Fat Acceptance
I have been painfully introspective the past few weeks. I think that my quest for self awareness may have taken on a life of its own. In my looking within, I think I have been overlooking some obvious things going on around me that are very important in my Fat Acceptance Journey.
If you have read through my blog, or seen the type of comments I leave on other blogs, (with the exception of Shapely prose who moderate my comments for some reason unknown to me) you will see that my journey through Fat Acceptance has been an emotional one, with little spotlights here and there about my health.
One of the things that happened for me when I started blogging, is that I fond myself involved in community. This is a good thing. The good emotions I experienced as I jumped in feet first were cathartic. As many of us can understand, having been rejected, admonished, stigmatized, and discriminated against from almost any community I was involved with throughout my life, having people smile at me, acknowledge the validity of my thoughts, encourage me, seemed like a nirvana manifested.
I was lucky enough to meet an hang out with Marylyn Wann at the ASDAH convention who invited me to join her list-serve and has been very generous with her comments and support there. Linda Bacon was kind enough to comment on a blog post I did from a very frightened place, others in the community who would respond to my postings were also very kind. As I was learning about the lay of the land of the fat-o-sphere, making new friends, and working through the sppedbumps and potholes with my family, I became encouraged that I could actually figure out a way to a happy life and let go of the self hatred and shame that was at the core or my psyche.
So now I am more aware of the politics of the movement, I have a better understanding of (not complete) privilege, I understand what set point theory is, and I have dabbled in improving my nutrition and my movement.
So here is where I go into the "good fatty/bad fatty" introspection. But before that, there is another aspect that has captured my attention lately about this wonderful community.
And it is a wonderful community. It is not perfect. But I find for the most part, it is filled with well intentioned, principled folks with whom I have a lot in common.
Here is the rub. Being in the community had become more important to me than actually moving forward with what this community promotes around my nutrition and movement. I haven't found (and I have been looking) for a voice or a segment of the community that says just eat whatever you want and only move if you are motivated to, otherwise just stay at home, motionless and eat anything you want to. You are accepted Ivan! We accept you. It is not your fault. You are not responsible. The nasty fat hating world has wronged you and now your "Peeps" in the fat o sphere will let you know that everything you are doing (actually everything I am not doing) is okay.
Well, is it? I am not feeling good about the type of stuff I eat, the amount of stuff I eat, or the way I eat it. I am ashamed of my lack of movement. I do not want to talk about this or write about this.
I was feeling good about the walking I was doing, and that I have added a few vegetables to my food, I was taking some time to check in with what my body was hungry for, etc. One of my mantra's was as long as I am moving in the right direction, I am good. Another mantra was; I am working on my health because my mental health is a big part of it, so coming to terms with all the stuff that Fat Hatred, Stigma, etc etc did to me is working on my health.
However, lately, my attention has been on what I am eating and how much movement I am getting. I would not want to post what I eat and the amount of movement I get ( basically enough to get my to and from the bathroom and to and from the kitchen) Some of the lack of movement is legitimate pain from my big medical drama 2.5 years ago, and some of it is just plain slothfulness. The food is a story in and of itself.
Yet, I am hesitant to reach out for help with my food or my movement because an alarm goes off in my head saying I am not accepting myself, if I look at my food like a problem that needs to be fixed. It is too important that I accept myself. fail fail fail….
Yet I have to be honest and say that my food is not healthy. I cannot deny it. Which is what it seems to me I have been doing.
This laziness manifests itself in the low quality of the food I eat, (fast foodish, processed, sugary, cake and cookieish eating) and in the very limited amount of movement I get. Part of it is that the pain meds I take from the "medical drama" take away my mental sharpness and I sleep a lot. I can get some movement in when I take them though. So I am doing this juggling act between, pain meds, sleep, wanting to be able to read and pay attention, wanting to get more movement, and the idiot box that doesn't demand anything from me other that sitting in front of it and looking in its direction.
I am not depressed, although I did consider that. I am just tired. And a voice in my head is also telling me I am just lazy and don't want to work that hard.
Ya know, if there was some research out there that was endorsed by the likes of Wann and Bacon, that said and individual like me, in circumstances like mine, has as his best bet at a happy life is to just accept that very little movement and eating large quantities of food and spending most of your day watching tv.
I know in my heart of hearts that this is not okay.
I am still a card carrying member of FA. I definitely understand that trying to loose weight is a loosing proposition for someone like me. I am just feeling a little suffocated from all the moral judgement I am buying into about what by most standards could be considered Sloth.
I can play my medical condition card here. My blog details all the medical trauma and drama that has been part of my life. I am disabled from the last episode. Yet, there is room for more movement, I think, if I push myself through the pain so I don't have to take more pain meds. There is room for healthier choices about what I eat, about how much I eat.
I just do not want to go back to a life a shame, self hatred, and walking around my life apologizing for taking up two seats everywhere I go.
I want to feel good about the decisions I make around nutrition and movement while taking into account that the meds are a hurdle to the movement, and all the delicious goodies I like to keep stocked in the house are a hurdle to better nutrition.
I am very interested in hearing what folks have to say about this.
Cheers,
Ivan
If you have read through my blog, or seen the type of comments I leave on other blogs, (with the exception of Shapely prose who moderate my comments for some reason unknown to me) you will see that my journey through Fat Acceptance has been an emotional one, with little spotlights here and there about my health.
One of the things that happened for me when I started blogging, is that I fond myself involved in community. This is a good thing. The good emotions I experienced as I jumped in feet first were cathartic. As many of us can understand, having been rejected, admonished, stigmatized, and discriminated against from almost any community I was involved with throughout my life, having people smile at me, acknowledge the validity of my thoughts, encourage me, seemed like a nirvana manifested.
I was lucky enough to meet an hang out with Marylyn Wann at the ASDAH convention who invited me to join her list-serve and has been very generous with her comments and support there. Linda Bacon was kind enough to comment on a blog post I did from a very frightened place, others in the community who would respond to my postings were also very kind. As I was learning about the lay of the land of the fat-o-sphere, making new friends, and working through the sppedbumps and potholes with my family, I became encouraged that I could actually figure out a way to a happy life and let go of the self hatred and shame that was at the core or my psyche.
So now I am more aware of the politics of the movement, I have a better understanding of (not complete) privilege, I understand what set point theory is, and I have dabbled in improving my nutrition and my movement.
So here is where I go into the "good fatty/bad fatty" introspection. But before that, there is another aspect that has captured my attention lately about this wonderful community.
And it is a wonderful community. It is not perfect. But I find for the most part, it is filled with well intentioned, principled folks with whom I have a lot in common.
Here is the rub. Being in the community had become more important to me than actually moving forward with what this community promotes around my nutrition and movement. I haven't found (and I have been looking) for a voice or a segment of the community that says just eat whatever you want and only move if you are motivated to, otherwise just stay at home, motionless and eat anything you want to. You are accepted Ivan! We accept you. It is not your fault. You are not responsible. The nasty fat hating world has wronged you and now your "Peeps" in the fat o sphere will let you know that everything you are doing (actually everything I am not doing) is okay.
Well, is it? I am not feeling good about the type of stuff I eat, the amount of stuff I eat, or the way I eat it. I am ashamed of my lack of movement. I do not want to talk about this or write about this.
I was feeling good about the walking I was doing, and that I have added a few vegetables to my food, I was taking some time to check in with what my body was hungry for, etc. One of my mantra's was as long as I am moving in the right direction, I am good. Another mantra was; I am working on my health because my mental health is a big part of it, so coming to terms with all the stuff that Fat Hatred, Stigma, etc etc did to me is working on my health.
However, lately, my attention has been on what I am eating and how much movement I am getting. I would not want to post what I eat and the amount of movement I get ( basically enough to get my to and from the bathroom and to and from the kitchen) Some of the lack of movement is legitimate pain from my big medical drama 2.5 years ago, and some of it is just plain slothfulness. The food is a story in and of itself.
Yet, I am hesitant to reach out for help with my food or my movement because an alarm goes off in my head saying I am not accepting myself, if I look at my food like a problem that needs to be fixed. It is too important that I accept myself. fail fail fail….
Yet I have to be honest and say that my food is not healthy. I cannot deny it. Which is what it seems to me I have been doing.
This laziness manifests itself in the low quality of the food I eat, (fast foodish, processed, sugary, cake and cookieish eating) and in the very limited amount of movement I get. Part of it is that the pain meds I take from the "medical drama" take away my mental sharpness and I sleep a lot. I can get some movement in when I take them though. So I am doing this juggling act between, pain meds, sleep, wanting to be able to read and pay attention, wanting to get more movement, and the idiot box that doesn't demand anything from me other that sitting in front of it and looking in its direction.
I am not depressed, although I did consider that. I am just tired. And a voice in my head is also telling me I am just lazy and don't want to work that hard.
Ya know, if there was some research out there that was endorsed by the likes of Wann and Bacon, that said and individual like me, in circumstances like mine, has as his best bet at a happy life is to just accept that very little movement and eating large quantities of food and spending most of your day watching tv.
I know in my heart of hearts that this is not okay.
I am still a card carrying member of FA. I definitely understand that trying to loose weight is a loosing proposition for someone like me. I am just feeling a little suffocated from all the moral judgement I am buying into about what by most standards could be considered Sloth.
I can play my medical condition card here. My blog details all the medical trauma and drama that has been part of my life. I am disabled from the last episode. Yet, there is room for more movement, I think, if I push myself through the pain so I don't have to take more pain meds. There is room for healthier choices about what I eat, about how much I eat.
I just do not want to go back to a life a shame, self hatred, and walking around my life apologizing for taking up two seats everywhere I go.
I want to feel good about the decisions I make around nutrition and movement while taking into account that the meds are a hurdle to the movement, and all the delicious goodies I like to keep stocked in the house are a hurdle to better nutrition.
I am very interested in hearing what folks have to say about this.
Cheers,
Ivan
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Zaftig Honors - Thanks Sylvia and Bianca
Thank you to Sylvia and Bianca for this most prestigious honor. Usually I hot delete the moment I see something like this on my computer, but this is the Fat-O-Sphere and I gots mad love for all my peeps within it...
So I have to get back to you on the fellow bloggers, however, here is my 10 honest things for anyone who hasn't hit delete yet...
1. I once was forced out of someone's house at gunpoint.
2. I spent my 17th birthday in a psychiatric ward.
3. I have a 7 pound dog named mush
4. I crashed a car while REM's "Losing My Religion" was playing on the radio.
5. I crush hard for Jennifer Connelly
6. I do not have belly button
7. One day, I aspire to be as clever as Shannon
8. I haven't farted in 20 years
9. My brother and sister were literally born nine months apart - she 1/21/70 he-10/22/70
10. I see dead people
So I have to get back to you on the fellow bloggers, however, here is my 10 honest things for anyone who hasn't hit delete yet...
1. I once was forced out of someone's house at gunpoint.
2. I spent my 17th birthday in a psychiatric ward.
3. I have a 7 pound dog named mush
4. I crashed a car while REM's "Losing My Religion" was playing on the radio.
5. I crush hard for Jennifer Connelly
6. I do not have belly button
7. One day, I aspire to be as clever as Shannon
8. I haven't farted in 20 years
9. My brother and sister were literally born nine months apart - she 1/21/70 he-10/22/70
10. I see dead people
Friday, November 20, 2009
THE MANY FAT ACCEPTANCE MOVEMENTS
I have been thinking a lot about my own Fat Acceptance and my own health. I have written a lot here about my journey from the self hatred endorsed by everyone around me to a gentle, accepting stance that is promoted by the Fat Acceptance concept. Yet, there does not seen to be one fat acceptance movement but many. The variety of opinions and schools of thought is a bit overwhelming. I would prefer that there was one central organization overseeing the movement and declaring what is correct and what is taboo.
As you all know, that is not the case. I have to figure out what Fat Acceptance means to me. I have to find peace with all the aspects of food, body image, stigma, prejudice, feminism, virility, health, exercise... I could go on and on.
I know that I have never ever been able to reign in my eating for any length of time, The only long term experience I had was eating pound and pounds of meat and little else for three years. The moment I started eating complex carbs, I gained all my weight back and more.
I like the way not berating myself for what I eat feels. Yet, I do experience many uncomfortable realities being the weight I am. I am working with my doctors to mitigate them, however, from where I stand, it is clear that losing weight would help almost all of them. I do not even pursue this option, because at this point, I do believe that any weight I would lose would be back on plus more in short order.
I have had a few nights now of waking up gasping for air, even with my CPAP breathing machine. I am going to call my doctor and talk about this, yet I know the best solution will be to lose weight. I also believe that trying to lose weight is a waste of time for me. I have a lifetime of evidence towards that.
Everyone I talk to about this (if I talk to anyone about this) would say something different to me about this because there is no one authority or agreed on Fat Acceptance Movement.
If there was one FA authority, I could go there and figure out what the FA appropriate next steps for the apnea should be.
I am still not sure what to so next. I cannot discuss this with my family, because their heads explode when I tell them that losing weight is not an option for me. I have a sweet therapist that does her best to understand FA but not sure where that is going. I have a few friends in FA, but I do not want to burden them.
I'll go over to the Fat Studies list and ask the brains over there about treatment options for the sleep apnea. They always have good info and are very kind to me.
I wonder, a lot, if walking the Fat Acceptance path is the right one for me. I believe it is. It is just that I am not sure which one of the many versions of the Fat Acceptance movement is going to wind up being mine. I know I like the community and the suspension of the self hatred, yet I still find myself wondering if subscribing to what I understand is set point theory, and not trying to lose weight is the right thing for me. Again, there is no one "right" course of action. The different opinions within the Fat Acceptance Community confuse me instead of help me figure out what is right for me.
I am still learning and investigating the movement. Heck, I still am only half way through Linda Bacon's book.
I am just a little scared and shell shocked about waking up gasping for breath. It's very scary.
Okay that's all for now.
below is an unrelated thread about the trauma kids are exposed to via Fat stigma... I was going to post it separately and decided to just put it at the end. They are the blog exchanges from another blog, but I wanted in here on my blog.
I commented
I am aware of my fatness as well.
One thing I find fascinating though is that I was aware of my fatness back when I was a teen as well – and was certainly made aware of it by teachers, doctors, members of my peer group, etc. Yet, looking at old photos of myself, I wasn’t anything like as fat as I thought I was – indeed I find it difficult even recognizing the person in the picture.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
someone responded to my comment
Maybe – just maybe – if people weren’t so obsessed with labeling people as “fat”, “obese” etc. we’d have a lot more people around who are both happier and healthier. Regardless of their body type.
I responded:
i have said this exact thing as I develop my foundation in the FA movement. I am 43 years old 390. When I look at photos of myself I see a cute kid that has a few extra pounds. As a child I was taught that I was inappropriately fat and teased as XX described. forget school, and kids, just from my parents alone, who took my fat as their failure, I was bribed, weight watchered, diet doctored, fat camped, punished and have one particular painful memory of my father dragging a 11 year old me out of bed at 6am to force me to do jumping jacks and because my effort wasn’t enthusiastic enough, he viciously called me a fat horse, walked away and didn’t speak to me for 2 days. Today I wonder, (and hope for todays fat kids) that if I was nurtured to be the best, healthiest, me I could be as a boy if I would weigh less than I do today. Even if it would not have made a difference in my body, I sure would have loved to take a pass on the three decades of self hate and sense of unworthiness that was my inner life until I found the FA/HAES community.
Someone replied -- I’m so sorry these things happened to you, and even sorrier that your experiences are not unusual.
I responded....
“and even sorrier that your experiences are not unusual” sniper, when i first got here i was like, wow these FA activist are an angry bunch, but now I feel compelled to contribute & to do what I can to help bring on the change that will make experiences like these unusual. I know I am still a zygote in the FA world, but this is the world I am moving to… it beats the crap out of the world I grew up in. Awww, crap,
Someone replied,
Ivan, I’m sorry. I’ll tell you, FA is good for me now – but more importantly, I don’t want to participate in a world that continues to do that sort of harm to kids.
I responded
• ivan Posted November 20, 2009 at 8:55 am | Permalink “I don’t want to participate in a world that continues to do that sort of harm to kids.” XXXXX, I think that although painful, participation in the world that does this sort of harm to kids in necessary if I am going to effect any change in that world. It is difficult to consider participating (let alone moving around easily) in that world as a 390 lb man, however, if I believe that our culture’s hatred of fat people is wrong, I need to stand up against it even if it hurts my knees to stand up for a long time.
As you all know, that is not the case. I have to figure out what Fat Acceptance means to me. I have to find peace with all the aspects of food, body image, stigma, prejudice, feminism, virility, health, exercise... I could go on and on.
I know that I have never ever been able to reign in my eating for any length of time, The only long term experience I had was eating pound and pounds of meat and little else for three years. The moment I started eating complex carbs, I gained all my weight back and more.
I like the way not berating myself for what I eat feels. Yet, I do experience many uncomfortable realities being the weight I am. I am working with my doctors to mitigate them, however, from where I stand, it is clear that losing weight would help almost all of them. I do not even pursue this option, because at this point, I do believe that any weight I would lose would be back on plus more in short order.
I have had a few nights now of waking up gasping for air, even with my CPAP breathing machine. I am going to call my doctor and talk about this, yet I know the best solution will be to lose weight. I also believe that trying to lose weight is a waste of time for me. I have a lifetime of evidence towards that.
Everyone I talk to about this (if I talk to anyone about this) would say something different to me about this because there is no one authority or agreed on Fat Acceptance Movement.
If there was one FA authority, I could go there and figure out what the FA appropriate next steps for the apnea should be.
I am still not sure what to so next. I cannot discuss this with my family, because their heads explode when I tell them that losing weight is not an option for me. I have a sweet therapist that does her best to understand FA but not sure where that is going. I have a few friends in FA, but I do not want to burden them.
I'll go over to the Fat Studies list and ask the brains over there about treatment options for the sleep apnea. They always have good info and are very kind to me.
I wonder, a lot, if walking the Fat Acceptance path is the right one for me. I believe it is. It is just that I am not sure which one of the many versions of the Fat Acceptance movement is going to wind up being mine. I know I like the community and the suspension of the self hatred, yet I still find myself wondering if subscribing to what I understand is set point theory, and not trying to lose weight is the right thing for me. Again, there is no one "right" course of action. The different opinions within the Fat Acceptance Community confuse me instead of help me figure out what is right for me.
I am still learning and investigating the movement. Heck, I still am only half way through Linda Bacon's book.
I am just a little scared and shell shocked about waking up gasping for breath. It's very scary.
Okay that's all for now.
below is an unrelated thread about the trauma kids are exposed to via Fat stigma... I was going to post it separately and decided to just put it at the end. They are the blog exchanges from another blog, but I wanted in here on my blog.
I commented
I am aware of my fatness as well.
One thing I find fascinating though is that I was aware of my fatness back when I was a teen as well – and was certainly made aware of it by teachers, doctors, members of my peer group, etc. Yet, looking at old photos of myself, I wasn’t anything like as fat as I thought I was – indeed I find it difficult even recognizing the person in the picture.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
someone responded to my comment
Maybe – just maybe – if people weren’t so obsessed with labeling people as “fat”, “obese” etc. we’d have a lot more people around who are both happier and healthier. Regardless of their body type.
I responded:
i have said this exact thing as I develop my foundation in the FA movement. I am 43 years old 390. When I look at photos of myself I see a cute kid that has a few extra pounds. As a child I was taught that I was inappropriately fat and teased as XX described. forget school, and kids, just from my parents alone, who took my fat as their failure, I was bribed, weight watchered, diet doctored, fat camped, punished and have one particular painful memory of my father dragging a 11 year old me out of bed at 6am to force me to do jumping jacks and because my effort wasn’t enthusiastic enough, he viciously called me a fat horse, walked away and didn’t speak to me for 2 days. Today I wonder, (and hope for todays fat kids) that if I was nurtured to be the best, healthiest, me I could be as a boy if I would weigh less than I do today. Even if it would not have made a difference in my body, I sure would have loved to take a pass on the three decades of self hate and sense of unworthiness that was my inner life until I found the FA/HAES community.
Someone replied -- I’m so sorry these things happened to you, and even sorrier that your experiences are not unusual.
I responded....
“and even sorrier that your experiences are not unusual” sniper, when i first got here i was like, wow these FA activist are an angry bunch, but now I feel compelled to contribute & to do what I can to help bring on the change that will make experiences like these unusual. I know I am still a zygote in the FA world, but this is the world I am moving to… it beats the crap out of the world I grew up in. Awww, crap,
Someone replied,
Ivan, I’m sorry. I’ll tell you, FA is good for me now – but more importantly, I don’t want to participate in a world that continues to do that sort of harm to kids.
I responded
• ivan Posted November 20, 2009 at 8:55 am | Permalink “I don’t want to participate in a world that continues to do that sort of harm to kids.” XXXXX, I think that although painful, participation in the world that does this sort of harm to kids in necessary if I am going to effect any change in that world. It is difficult to consider participating (let alone moving around easily) in that world as a 390 lb man, however, if I believe that our culture’s hatred of fat people is wrong, I need to stand up against it even if it hurts my knees to stand up for a long time.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
THE SIZE ACCEPTANCE SALON - CHEWING THE FAT
THE SIZE ACCEPTANCE SALON - CHEWING THE FAT
Well we had our first size acceptance salon conference call last Sunday night featuring an interview of Kira N the independent filmmaker and creator of FAT GIRLS FLOAT. Then there was a start of a discussion of how post WLS fat folks fit into the Fat Acceptance Movement. There was a lot there and we only scratched the surface on this topic. I look forward to more discussion about important issues like these being discussed amongst us. I hope that these salon's will serve in creating space for such discussions. The next salon is on Sunday 12/6 at 4pm in New York City and the Conference Line. (more info below)
Thanks to everyone who has helped so fat with pledging support to the film FAT GIRLS FLOAT, via kickstarter, As of this writing we have 50 backers and $3,862 pledged. There are 25 days left to raise the additional $1,138. We need your help to do it because if we don't help Kira to the $5,000 mark, then none of the money is collected. Please pass on the word about FAT GIRLS FLOAT, to everyone you know in the Fat Acceptance Community. Also please consider pledging any amount, as low as $1.00 because every pledge helps, no matter what the size! (sound familiar?) You can see a one minute trailer of the movie here http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/xads89 and you can become a backer of this film by pledging here. http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1791863791/get-in-the-pool-with-fat-girls-float
The next Size Acceptance Salon will be held live in New York City and 12/4/2009. We haven't picked a topic yet, however, if one occurs to me I will let you know. I think people are hungry (punny?) for this kind of space and I hope that if you are in the NYC area, you can make it. I might try to jump onto the conference call line to see if folks can dial in.. Not sure about the sound quality using the speaker phone, but we can give it a shot.
So please go to www.meetup.com/sizeacceptancesalon and check out the calendar which also has a tab for suggested topics, let me know what you want to talk about there.
Below is a copy of what I blogged last week about the Salon, but the best way to get a feel for it is the go to the meetup link and check it out.
Cheers.,
Ivan
I have been in "observe" mode on the fat-0-sphere lately. I have been doing the equivalent of Channel Surfing. There are the usual stuff, fashion, some recipes, personal stories, and some conflict and discussions of responsibility, civility, protocol and puppies.
At this point on my journey into the Size Acceptance/Fat Acceptance community I have identified many aspects of this community I like, and many aspects of this community that could use improvement.
There has been talk of what is the mission of the Fat Acceptance movement. What are its rules of engagement or what should they be. All very important discussions to have.
Apparently, discussions that have been had, a lot. In, fact I get the sense that some of the more established folks on the Fat-o-Sphere are a little tired of having the same discussions over and over again. Other's, like myself, are eager to have these discussions.
Right now the big buzz is around the Fat Studies Reader. It is very exciting to have watched the pre release buzz and to now see readings being organized. With the energy of all these voices coming together I have initiated the creation of a Size Acceptance Salon, which will assemble both virtually (conference calls and internet) and live, in person, Salons in New York City and hopefully other cities around our nation, heck, even in other countries. ( telling myself dreaming big is totally cool)
My goal is to create safe spaces to have the conversations around the issues of Fat/Size Acceptance and Health at Every Size. I hope to enlist the more experienced members of this community to be part of these discussion for the purposes of exchanging ideas, facilitating commutation, respectfully debating our differences, and most importantly, creating a supportive sense of community.
I believe if we take the time to understand what others belief, and what others want, and what is important to each of us, we can partner on moving forward with agreed upon goals, whether individual or as a group.
So with that please consider joining The Size Acceptance Salon - Chewing the Fat, at www.meetup.com/sizeacceptancesalon.
Well we had our first size acceptance salon conference call last Sunday night featuring an interview of Kira N the independent filmmaker and creator of FAT GIRLS FLOAT. Then there was a start of a discussion of how post WLS fat folks fit into the Fat Acceptance Movement. There was a lot there and we only scratched the surface on this topic. I look forward to more discussion about important issues like these being discussed amongst us. I hope that these salon's will serve in creating space for such discussions. The next salon is on Sunday 12/6 at 4pm in New York City and the Conference Line. (more info below)
Thanks to everyone who has helped so fat with pledging support to the film FAT GIRLS FLOAT, via kickstarter, As of this writing we have 50 backers and $3,862 pledged. There are 25 days left to raise the additional $1,138. We need your help to do it because if we don't help Kira to the $5,000 mark, then none of the money is collected. Please pass on the word about FAT GIRLS FLOAT, to everyone you know in the Fat Acceptance Community. Also please consider pledging any amount, as low as $1.00 because every pledge helps, no matter what the size! (sound familiar?) You can see a one minute trailer of the movie here http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/xads89 and you can become a backer of this film by pledging here. http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1791863791/get-in-the-pool-with-fat-girls-float
The next Size Acceptance Salon will be held live in New York City and 12/4/2009. We haven't picked a topic yet, however, if one occurs to me I will let you know. I think people are hungry (punny?) for this kind of space and I hope that if you are in the NYC area, you can make it. I might try to jump onto the conference call line to see if folks can dial in.. Not sure about the sound quality using the speaker phone, but we can give it a shot.
So please go to www.meetup.com/sizeacceptancesalon and check out the calendar which also has a tab for suggested topics, let me know what you want to talk about there.
Below is a copy of what I blogged last week about the Salon, but the best way to get a feel for it is the go to the meetup link and check it out.
Cheers.,
Ivan
I have been in "observe" mode on the fat-0-sphere lately. I have been doing the equivalent of Channel Surfing. There are the usual stuff, fashion, some recipes, personal stories, and some conflict and discussions of responsibility, civility, protocol and puppies.
At this point on my journey into the Size Acceptance/Fat Acceptance community I have identified many aspects of this community I like, and many aspects of this community that could use improvement.
There has been talk of what is the mission of the Fat Acceptance movement. What are its rules of engagement or what should they be. All very important discussions to have.
Apparently, discussions that have been had, a lot. In, fact I get the sense that some of the more established folks on the Fat-o-Sphere are a little tired of having the same discussions over and over again. Other's, like myself, are eager to have these discussions.
Right now the big buzz is around the Fat Studies Reader. It is very exciting to have watched the pre release buzz and to now see readings being organized. With the energy of all these voices coming together I have initiated the creation of a Size Acceptance Salon, which will assemble both virtually (conference calls and internet) and live, in person, Salons in New York City and hopefully other cities around our nation, heck, even in other countries. ( telling myself dreaming big is totally cool)
My goal is to create safe spaces to have the conversations around the issues of Fat/Size Acceptance and Health at Every Size. I hope to enlist the more experienced members of this community to be part of these discussion for the purposes of exchanging ideas, facilitating commutation, respectfully debating our differences, and most importantly, creating a supportive sense of community.
I believe if we take the time to understand what others belief, and what others want, and what is important to each of us, we can partner on moving forward with agreed upon goals, whether individual or as a group.
So with that please consider joining The Size Acceptance Salon - Chewing the Fat, at www.meetup.com/sizeacceptancesalon.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Chick Flic Teaches Fat Man a lesson
When I ask myself the question, what is the greatest thing about Fat Acceptance, without hesitation, I can tell you that the FA movement has transformed a lifelong belief in my unworthiness of the good things life has to offer into a strong (and getting stronger) connection to not only my worthiness, but my sweetness, my beauty, and even my humanity.
This experience has been a life changer for me. So I am now moving beyond just blogging into the next actions that make sense for me. Not quite activism… Perhaps, with as much humility as I can muster, I want to do community organizing work. I want to join with others that want to look at these issues with an intent to help move things toward the better.
With that in mind I want to tell you about the movie, Fat Girls Float. What I like most about this project is that it is touching on the core of self acceptance, the essence of worthiness. This movie in in sync with what I am experiencing with my own personal sense of Fat Acceptance.
So along the lines of community organizing, I have asked some Fat-o-Sphere bloggers I know personally to send out a message about this film and it's efforts to raise funds for the next six wednesdays. I know you will enjoy the trailer, and I hope you are moved to donate and to ask your friends to donate. I also hope you will consider joining me and the handful of bloggers in our community who are "organizing" to support this project.
Below are two messages. the first is the templated message I am asking folks to post or to paraphrase or to even plagiarize with our permission. The message after that is about the Size Acceptance Salon which is my community organizing effort to bring smart people together to have inspired and thoughtful exchanging of ideas. Thanks for taking the time to read this and let me know if you want to be a list of folks we are sending the "cut and paste" blog copy for the next several Wednesdays.
FAT GIRLS FLOAT is the provocative, engaging and moving new documentary from Kira Nerusskaya, a 300 pound filmmaker with a message to share. The film showcases heartfelt interviews with fat women from around the world who discuss size discrimination, political activism, fat and size acceptance, and their experiences as fat women under attack in a thin-centric world. Please be a part of making this film by pledging HERE. Any donation in any amount is appreciated. We only have until December 13th to raise the rest of the funds we need for this next step of post production, so please help us spread the word about this amazing project by tweeting, reposting this paragraph in your blog every Wednesday or on your site and telling your friends. Donate Now. Join us this Sunday, 11/15/09 at 7:00p.m. EST for a "meet the film maker" conference call and Fat Acceptance discussion. Check out the Fat Acceptance Salon for more details at http://www.meetup.com/SizeAcceptanceSalon/calendar/11829542/
THE SIZE ACCEPTANCE SALON - CHEWING THE FAT
I have been in "observe" mode on the fat-0-sphere lately. I have been doing the equivalent of Channel Surfing. There are the usual stuff, fashion, some recipes, personal stories, and some conflict and discussions of responsibility, civility, protocol and puppies.
At this point on my journey into the Size Acceptance/Fat Acceptance community I have identified many aspects of this community I like, and many aspects of this community that could use improvement.
There has been talk of what is the mission of the Fat Acceptance movement. What are its rules of engagement or what should they be. All very important discussions to have.
Apparently, discussions that have been had, a lot. In, fact I get the sense that some of the more established folks on the Fat-o-Sphere are a little tired of having the same discussions over and over again. Other's, like myself, are eager to have these discussions.
Right now the big buzz is around the Fat Studies Reader. It is very exciting to have watched the pre release buzz and to now see readings being organized. With the energy of all these voices coming together I have initiated the creation of a Size Acceptance Salon, which will assemble both virtually (conference calls and internet) and live, in person, Salons in New York City and hopefully other cities around our nation, heck, even in other countries. ( telling myself dreaming big is totally cool)
My goal is to create safe spaces to have the conversations around the issues of Fat/Size Acceptance and Health at Every Size. I hope to enlist the more experienced members of this community to be part of these discussion for the purposes of exchanging ideas, facilitating commutation, respectfully debating our differences, and most importantly, creating a supportive sense of community.
I believe if we take the time to understand what others belief, and what others want, and what is important to each of us, we can partner on moving forward with agreed upon goals, whether individual or as a group.
So with that please consider joining The Size Acceptance Salon - Chewing the Fat, at www.meetup.com/sizeacceptancesalon. Our first conference call is scheduled for this Sunday, 11/15/09 at 7pm. http://www.meetup.com/SizeAcceptanceSalon/calendar/11829542/
Cheers,
Ivan
This experience has been a life changer for me. So I am now moving beyond just blogging into the next actions that make sense for me. Not quite activism… Perhaps, with as much humility as I can muster, I want to do community organizing work. I want to join with others that want to look at these issues with an intent to help move things toward the better.
With that in mind I want to tell you about the movie, Fat Girls Float. What I like most about this project is that it is touching on the core of self acceptance, the essence of worthiness. This movie in in sync with what I am experiencing with my own personal sense of Fat Acceptance.
So along the lines of community organizing, I have asked some Fat-o-Sphere bloggers I know personally to send out a message about this film and it's efforts to raise funds for the next six wednesdays. I know you will enjoy the trailer, and I hope you are moved to donate and to ask your friends to donate. I also hope you will consider joining me and the handful of bloggers in our community who are "organizing" to support this project.
Below are two messages. the first is the templated message I am asking folks to post or to paraphrase or to even plagiarize with our permission. The message after that is about the Size Acceptance Salon which is my community organizing effort to bring smart people together to have inspired and thoughtful exchanging of ideas. Thanks for taking the time to read this and let me know if you want to be a list of folks we are sending the "cut and paste" blog copy for the next several Wednesdays.
FAT GIRLS FLOAT is the provocative, engaging and moving new documentary from Kira Nerusskaya, a 300 pound filmmaker with a message to share. The film showcases heartfelt interviews with fat women from around the world who discuss size discrimination, political activism, fat and size acceptance, and their experiences as fat women under attack in a thin-centric world. Please be a part of making this film by pledging HERE. Any donation in any amount is appreciated. We only have until December 13th to raise the rest of the funds we need for this next step of post production, so please help us spread the word about this amazing project by tweeting, reposting this paragraph in your blog every Wednesday or on your site and telling your friends. Donate Now. Join us this Sunday, 11/15/09 at 7:00p.m. EST for a "meet the film maker" conference call and Fat Acceptance discussion. Check out the Fat Acceptance Salon for more details at http://www.meetup.com/SizeAcceptanceSalon/calendar/11829542/
THE SIZE ACCEPTANCE SALON - CHEWING THE FAT
I have been in "observe" mode on the fat-0-sphere lately. I have been doing the equivalent of Channel Surfing. There are the usual stuff, fashion, some recipes, personal stories, and some conflict and discussions of responsibility, civility, protocol and puppies.
At this point on my journey into the Size Acceptance/Fat Acceptance community I have identified many aspects of this community I like, and many aspects of this community that could use improvement.
There has been talk of what is the mission of the Fat Acceptance movement. What are its rules of engagement or what should they be. All very important discussions to have.
Apparently, discussions that have been had, a lot. In, fact I get the sense that some of the more established folks on the Fat-o-Sphere are a little tired of having the same discussions over and over again. Other's, like myself, are eager to have these discussions.
Right now the big buzz is around the Fat Studies Reader. It is very exciting to have watched the pre release buzz and to now see readings being organized. With the energy of all these voices coming together I have initiated the creation of a Size Acceptance Salon, which will assemble both virtually (conference calls and internet) and live, in person, Salons in New York City and hopefully other cities around our nation, heck, even in other countries. ( telling myself dreaming big is totally cool)
My goal is to create safe spaces to have the conversations around the issues of Fat/Size Acceptance and Health at Every Size. I hope to enlist the more experienced members of this community to be part of these discussion for the purposes of exchanging ideas, facilitating commutation, respectfully debating our differences, and most importantly, creating a supportive sense of community.
I believe if we take the time to understand what others belief, and what others want, and what is important to each of us, we can partner on moving forward with agreed upon goals, whether individual or as a group.
So with that please consider joining The Size Acceptance Salon - Chewing the Fat, at www.meetup.com/sizeacceptancesalon. Our first conference call is scheduled for this Sunday, 11/15/09 at 7pm. http://www.meetup.com/SizeAcceptanceSalon/calendar/11829542/
Cheers,
Ivan
Friday, October 23, 2009
Wouldn't it be nice to be thin?
Wouldn't it be nice to be rich, to win the lotto. I'd finally get my dream car, the Mercedes Maybach. I'd make a you tube video taking my $400,000 car through the McDonnell's drive through. I'd travel to all sorts of fancy places, I'd do lots a great charity work.
Wouldn't it be nice to meet my soulmate?
Wouldn't it be nice to be famous. I would have a brilliant movie career and the paparazzi would follow me around. I'd go to all the cool LA night clubs and rub elbows with other famous people.
Wouldn't it be nice to find the dream job, doing what I love to do. Helping people, kids, animals. Getting paid well and enjoying going to work everyday.
Wouldn't it be nice to be taller? Would't it be nice to have a fuller head of hair?
Wouldn't it be nice to be a popular hollywood heartthrob and be dating beautiful hollywood starlets?
Wouldn't it be nice to be thin..….. (sound of record scratching and the background music stops) "Did he actually just type that?" "Uh Oh, he just went taboo on us." "Nice guy, but how dare he talk about losing weight on the Fat-o-Sphere." "I'm gonna comment his wanting to be skinny ass off the internet"
Don't worry, this is just an intellectual exercise. I may not even post this, well if you are reading this then I did post this.
Before finding the Fat Acceptance Community, I had spent my life pursuing being thin, or even just less fat. While I have lost major amounts of weight a few times in my life, a few of those times due to very serious illness, I have always gained it back. I can remember buckling my seatbelt on an airplane as a thin man thinking I will never go back to being fat again. I remember on summer days on the new york city subway system with my bicycle, getting off the train and trotting up the stairs with my bike on my shoulder thinking I was King of the World. I also remember everyone in my life applauding me for my accomplishment. I remember loving being able to buy clothes at old navy. Crossing my legs. Having to slow down because the person I was hanging with wasn't as fit as I was.
There are, in fact, some positive qualities to being thin (or thinner I am 390 right now). Is it a sin to acknowledge that there are some aspects of not being fat that are appealing? More importantly, is it harmful to me and my new found peace with myself to think about those things?
If I lost a little weight wouldn't that make walking easier? Wouldn't losing weight help me with my recovery from being paralyzed and immobile for 7 months where most of the muscle mass I did have de-conditioned to the point where I can't walk more than a few blocks without needing to take a break?
Am I hurting myself by even considering these thoughts.
I am hoping that the folks on the sphere whom I appreciate can share some of their thoughts here with me.
My only goal with food and exercise right now is to increase my mobility and enhance my health by increasing the level of nutrition in what I do eat. I would like to get into a pool and do some movement there to increase my lung capacity which has also suffered from the medical trauma of two and a half years ago.
I am not going to go into the issues of the horrific, chronic, awful, pain I have from the surgery or all the trials and obstacles that managing that pain daily with meds adds to my struggle. It is part of my struggle and I am grateful that I can ambulate (although with major limitations). It does make exercising and movement more challenging. I will not let it keep me from doing it. Maybe I can cut myself some slack here, but that is probably another post… maybe even another blog.
While I am a card carrying member of the Fat Acceptance Community, and I understand that there is a no-diet talk policy amongst most of us, I am musing here because these thoughts about being thin are in my head and I want to chew on them with fellow fatties who may have some insight to share with me about how they processed through them.
I don't think about them in the " maybe someday I will lose weight " kind of way. I just wonder if by completely giving myself to Fat Acceptance, am I keeping myself from, perhaps, loosing some of my 400 pounds, which would make building up my strength and stamina easier?
My hunch is that since I have never been able to maintain any kind of weight loss before, that any attempts and limiting my food in or deliberating burning more calories out for the purpose of losing weight is a waste of my time.
Still, in all honesty, and this is not to stir up any drama on the sphere, which seems like an easy thing to do… this is just to acknowledge that there is still a small part of me that thinks… Wouldn't it be nice if I could lose the weight? or "Why not give it another try?"
Sometimes when I come up on some of the limitations at this size, I have a thought flash through my head about losing weight. for example, tying my shoe laces. This takes time, I have to be strategic with my breathing as I bend to reach the laces. Sometimes I have to come up for air and start over again. Most of the time I wear the crocs which do not require this. However, when I do put on my sneakers and tie them, I sometimes think, it would be nice to not have to deal with this.
I, for the most part, recognize that I am always going to be fat. I recognize that focusing all my efforts on improvement within the weight neutral, HAES framework is the right, and the sane, and the path to peace and self acceptance for me.
When I get into my "spiritual head" I can go to a place of gratitude for everything in my life, including my sturdy, strong, resilient body. Saying "Thank you for my fat" is not a thought I can easily connect to. I get glimpses of what it would be like to say that and it does seem within reach for me. I am just not there yet.
There is also the whole good fattie vs bad fattie issue which I will leave for another post.
I have blogged about how wonderful it has been for me and my sense of worthiness to connect with the fat acceptance movement. I am growing in new ways and I am enjoying all the great folks I have met along the way.
I just feel like my thinking is still tainted when it comes to thoughts about being thin. I feel like they are injurious to me.
Another big part of it is the virility and the sexual attractiveness stuff, again a topic in and of itself for another post.
I guess it might be about the difference between accepting my fat and embracing it?
I know I can not maintain weight loss. I know this. I accept this. I know it is about living a rich and full life within this framework of acceptance. An I a horrible person because I sometimes still think it would be nice to be thin even though I know that it is just not possible for me.
Somehow when I think it would be nice to be taller, I do not feel like I am betraying my 5'7 self. But when I think it would be nice to be thin, I feel like I am a traitor, a Fat Acceptance Fraud?
I get the wisdom of no weight loss talk. I have boundaries with several folks about it. But what about my own inner thoughts, sometimes they just pop in my head. What do I do then?
I am wondering if this is just part of the journey through Fat Acceptance.
What works for you? Do you love being fat? How did you get there? Do you have fleeting thoughts about being thin? How do you deal with them when they surface? Do you have your own set of rules around thoughts of being thin? What other thoughts do you have about these musings?
Cheers,
Ivan
Wouldn't it be nice to meet my soulmate?
Wouldn't it be nice to be famous. I would have a brilliant movie career and the paparazzi would follow me around. I'd go to all the cool LA night clubs and rub elbows with other famous people.
Wouldn't it be nice to find the dream job, doing what I love to do. Helping people, kids, animals. Getting paid well and enjoying going to work everyday.
Wouldn't it be nice to be taller? Would't it be nice to have a fuller head of hair?
Wouldn't it be nice to be a popular hollywood heartthrob and be dating beautiful hollywood starlets?
Wouldn't it be nice to be thin..….. (sound of record scratching and the background music stops) "Did he actually just type that?" "Uh Oh, he just went taboo on us." "Nice guy, but how dare he talk about losing weight on the Fat-o-Sphere." "I'm gonna comment his wanting to be skinny ass off the internet"
Don't worry, this is just an intellectual exercise. I may not even post this, well if you are reading this then I did post this.
Before finding the Fat Acceptance Community, I had spent my life pursuing being thin, or even just less fat. While I have lost major amounts of weight a few times in my life, a few of those times due to very serious illness, I have always gained it back. I can remember buckling my seatbelt on an airplane as a thin man thinking I will never go back to being fat again. I remember on summer days on the new york city subway system with my bicycle, getting off the train and trotting up the stairs with my bike on my shoulder thinking I was King of the World. I also remember everyone in my life applauding me for my accomplishment. I remember loving being able to buy clothes at old navy. Crossing my legs. Having to slow down because the person I was hanging with wasn't as fit as I was.
There are, in fact, some positive qualities to being thin (or thinner I am 390 right now). Is it a sin to acknowledge that there are some aspects of not being fat that are appealing? More importantly, is it harmful to me and my new found peace with myself to think about those things?
If I lost a little weight wouldn't that make walking easier? Wouldn't losing weight help me with my recovery from being paralyzed and immobile for 7 months where most of the muscle mass I did have de-conditioned to the point where I can't walk more than a few blocks without needing to take a break?
Am I hurting myself by even considering these thoughts.
I am hoping that the folks on the sphere whom I appreciate can share some of their thoughts here with me.
My only goal with food and exercise right now is to increase my mobility and enhance my health by increasing the level of nutrition in what I do eat. I would like to get into a pool and do some movement there to increase my lung capacity which has also suffered from the medical trauma of two and a half years ago.
I am not going to go into the issues of the horrific, chronic, awful, pain I have from the surgery or all the trials and obstacles that managing that pain daily with meds adds to my struggle. It is part of my struggle and I am grateful that I can ambulate (although with major limitations). It does make exercising and movement more challenging. I will not let it keep me from doing it. Maybe I can cut myself some slack here, but that is probably another post… maybe even another blog.
While I am a card carrying member of the Fat Acceptance Community, and I understand that there is a no-diet talk policy amongst most of us, I am musing here because these thoughts about being thin are in my head and I want to chew on them with fellow fatties who may have some insight to share with me about how they processed through them.
I don't think about them in the " maybe someday I will lose weight " kind of way. I just wonder if by completely giving myself to Fat Acceptance, am I keeping myself from, perhaps, loosing some of my 400 pounds, which would make building up my strength and stamina easier?
My hunch is that since I have never been able to maintain any kind of weight loss before, that any attempts and limiting my food in or deliberating burning more calories out for the purpose of losing weight is a waste of my time.
Still, in all honesty, and this is not to stir up any drama on the sphere, which seems like an easy thing to do… this is just to acknowledge that there is still a small part of me that thinks… Wouldn't it be nice if I could lose the weight? or "Why not give it another try?"
Sometimes when I come up on some of the limitations at this size, I have a thought flash through my head about losing weight. for example, tying my shoe laces. This takes time, I have to be strategic with my breathing as I bend to reach the laces. Sometimes I have to come up for air and start over again. Most of the time I wear the crocs which do not require this. However, when I do put on my sneakers and tie them, I sometimes think, it would be nice to not have to deal with this.
I, for the most part, recognize that I am always going to be fat. I recognize that focusing all my efforts on improvement within the weight neutral, HAES framework is the right, and the sane, and the path to peace and self acceptance for me.
When I get into my "spiritual head" I can go to a place of gratitude for everything in my life, including my sturdy, strong, resilient body. Saying "Thank you for my fat" is not a thought I can easily connect to. I get glimpses of what it would be like to say that and it does seem within reach for me. I am just not there yet.
There is also the whole good fattie vs bad fattie issue which I will leave for another post.
I have blogged about how wonderful it has been for me and my sense of worthiness to connect with the fat acceptance movement. I am growing in new ways and I am enjoying all the great folks I have met along the way.
I just feel like my thinking is still tainted when it comes to thoughts about being thin. I feel like they are injurious to me.
Another big part of it is the virility and the sexual attractiveness stuff, again a topic in and of itself for another post.
I guess it might be about the difference between accepting my fat and embracing it?
I know I can not maintain weight loss. I know this. I accept this. I know it is about living a rich and full life within this framework of acceptance. An I a horrible person because I sometimes still think it would be nice to be thin even though I know that it is just not possible for me.
Somehow when I think it would be nice to be taller, I do not feel like I am betraying my 5'7 self. But when I think it would be nice to be thin, I feel like I am a traitor, a Fat Acceptance Fraud?
I get the wisdom of no weight loss talk. I have boundaries with several folks about it. But what about my own inner thoughts, sometimes they just pop in my head. What do I do then?
I am wondering if this is just part of the journey through Fat Acceptance.
What works for you? Do you love being fat? How did you get there? Do you have fleeting thoughts about being thin? How do you deal with them when they surface? Do you have your own set of rules around thoughts of being thin? What other thoughts do you have about these musings?
Cheers,
Ivan
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