I have been lurking around the size acceptance blogging community for several weeks now. I have actually been having a hard time with pain management, side effects from meds, which has decreased the amount of movement I do considerably. So I have been feeling guilty for not trying hard enough.
I really think the guilt is sort of an powerful echo of how I used to feel about myself and the amount of effort I put into not being fat.
With the Health at Every Size movement, I not find myself feeling guilty about not putting in enough effort towards not being unhealthy, particularly with my movement.
Today was a good day. I made it to a water aerobics class at the Y. I was happy to get there, and grateful to know that while I had to endure some pain to get there, I know that the movement will help me with the pain on all sorts of levels.
While I am not a scientist or an academic, so I cannot tell you how it will help me, I do know that I enjoyed the movement.
So I finally got some enjoyable movement in and I feel good about it. I also feel relief from the guilt of not doing enough.
I'd really like to let go of that punitive self perspective about how I take care of myself. It's like a kind of PTSD, this guilt. Like all my life I have been yelled at, hated on, and told I was wrong for being fat. I think that I am somewhat transferring that guilt (or maybe just holding on to it) to my being engaged about my health.
So I guess I need to re define what being engaged with my health to a supportive perspective even if I am using an unconventional timeline to take actions like the class at the Y that I got to today.
Could it be that simply being plugged into Size Acceptance/HAES by lurking around the internet is actually an acceptable amount of engagement about my health?
Dare I claim that the velocity that I move from self hating fatty to engaged advocate for my own happiness be okay just as it is?
I gotta say I like the way that sounds.