Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Redefining what it means to take care of my health

I have been lurking around the size acceptance blogging community for several weeks now. I have actually been having a hard time with pain management, side effects from meds, which has decreased the amount of movement I do considerably. So I have been feeling guilty for not trying hard enough.

I really think the guilt is sort of an powerful echo of how I used to feel about myself and the amount of effort I put into not being fat.

With the Health at Every Size movement, I not find myself feeling guilty about not putting in enough effort towards not being unhealthy, particularly with my movement.

Today was a good day. I made it to a water aerobics class at the Y. I was happy to get there, and grateful to know that while I had to endure some pain to get there, I know that the movement will help me with the pain on all sorts of levels.

While I am not a scientist or an academic, so I cannot tell you how it will help me, I do know that I enjoyed the movement.

So I finally got some enjoyable movement in and I feel good about it. I also feel relief from the guilt of not doing enough.

I'd really like to let go of that punitive self perspective about how I take care of myself. It's like a kind of PTSD, this guilt. Like all my life I have been yelled at, hated on, and told I was wrong for being fat. I think that I am somewhat transferring that guilt (or maybe just holding on to it) to my being engaged about my health.

So I guess I need to re define what being engaged with my health to a supportive perspective even if I am using an unconventional timeline to take actions like the class at the Y that I got to today.

Could it be that simply being plugged into Size Acceptance/HAES by lurking around the internet is actually an acceptable amount of engagement about my health?

Dare I claim that the velocity that I move from self hating fatty to engaged advocate for my own happiness be okay just as it is?

I gotta say I like the way that sounds.

6 comments:

  1. "move from self hating fatty to engaged advocate "

    Hey - it's movement! ;)

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  2. "Hey - it's movement! ;)'

    indeed it is!!!

    very clever

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  3. Could it be that simply being plugged into Size Acceptance/HAES by lurking around the internet is actually an acceptable amount of engagement about my health?

    It could be. Though I don't think trying to deal with the pain issues is a BAD thing, and that THAT is also engagement about your health.

    I know part of why I'm being so "pianissimo" in my approach to working out right now is that when I've pushed myself in the past few years I've injured myself every. damn. time.

    Yeah, I walk about a 1/2 mile a day. But I do it without injury and it's getting easier.

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  4. "pianissimo"

    I had to look it up. What a lovely term to apply to my activities around attitudes about myself.

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  5. Hey Ivan!
    Just wanted to say that I always really identify with what you write. I don't have any words o wisdom, but thanks for sharing this!

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  6. "I always really identify with'

    finding people to relate with about FA is a true gift and necessity for me in this process

    thanks

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