Thank you to Sylvia and Bianca for this most prestigious honor. Usually I hot delete the moment I see something like this on my computer, but this is the Fat-O-Sphere and I gots mad love for all my peeps within it...
So I have to get back to you on the fellow bloggers, however, here is my 10 honest things for anyone who hasn't hit delete yet...
1. I once was forced out of someone's house at gunpoint.
2. I spent my 17th birthday in a psychiatric ward.
3. I have a 7 pound dog named mush
4. I crashed a car while REM's "Losing My Religion" was playing on the radio.
5. I crush hard for Jennifer Connelly
6. I do not have belly button
7. One day, I aspire to be as clever as Shannon
8. I haven't farted in 20 years
9. My brother and sister were literally born nine months apart - she 1/21/70 he-10/22/70
10. I see dead people
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
THE MANY FAT ACCEPTANCE MOVEMENTS
I have been thinking a lot about my own Fat Acceptance and my own health. I have written a lot here about my journey from the self hatred endorsed by everyone around me to a gentle, accepting stance that is promoted by the Fat Acceptance concept. Yet, there does not seen to be one fat acceptance movement but many. The variety of opinions and schools of thought is a bit overwhelming. I would prefer that there was one central organization overseeing the movement and declaring what is correct and what is taboo.
As you all know, that is not the case. I have to figure out what Fat Acceptance means to me. I have to find peace with all the aspects of food, body image, stigma, prejudice, feminism, virility, health, exercise... I could go on and on.
I know that I have never ever been able to reign in my eating for any length of time, The only long term experience I had was eating pound and pounds of meat and little else for three years. The moment I started eating complex carbs, I gained all my weight back and more.
I like the way not berating myself for what I eat feels. Yet, I do experience many uncomfortable realities being the weight I am. I am working with my doctors to mitigate them, however, from where I stand, it is clear that losing weight would help almost all of them. I do not even pursue this option, because at this point, I do believe that any weight I would lose would be back on plus more in short order.
I have had a few nights now of waking up gasping for air, even with my CPAP breathing machine. I am going to call my doctor and talk about this, yet I know the best solution will be to lose weight. I also believe that trying to lose weight is a waste of time for me. I have a lifetime of evidence towards that.
Everyone I talk to about this (if I talk to anyone about this) would say something different to me about this because there is no one authority or agreed on Fat Acceptance Movement.
If there was one FA authority, I could go there and figure out what the FA appropriate next steps for the apnea should be.
I am still not sure what to so next. I cannot discuss this with my family, because their heads explode when I tell them that losing weight is not an option for me. I have a sweet therapist that does her best to understand FA but not sure where that is going. I have a few friends in FA, but I do not want to burden them.
I'll go over to the Fat Studies list and ask the brains over there about treatment options for the sleep apnea. They always have good info and are very kind to me.
I wonder, a lot, if walking the Fat Acceptance path is the right one for me. I believe it is. It is just that I am not sure which one of the many versions of the Fat Acceptance movement is going to wind up being mine. I know I like the community and the suspension of the self hatred, yet I still find myself wondering if subscribing to what I understand is set point theory, and not trying to lose weight is the right thing for me. Again, there is no one "right" course of action. The different opinions within the Fat Acceptance Community confuse me instead of help me figure out what is right for me.
I am still learning and investigating the movement. Heck, I still am only half way through Linda Bacon's book.
I am just a little scared and shell shocked about waking up gasping for breath. It's very scary.
Okay that's all for now.
below is an unrelated thread about the trauma kids are exposed to via Fat stigma... I was going to post it separately and decided to just put it at the end. They are the blog exchanges from another blog, but I wanted in here on my blog.
I commented
I am aware of my fatness as well.
One thing I find fascinating though is that I was aware of my fatness back when I was a teen as well – and was certainly made aware of it by teachers, doctors, members of my peer group, etc. Yet, looking at old photos of myself, I wasn’t anything like as fat as I thought I was – indeed I find it difficult even recognizing the person in the picture.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
someone responded to my comment
Maybe – just maybe – if people weren’t so obsessed with labeling people as “fat”, “obese” etc. we’d have a lot more people around who are both happier and healthier. Regardless of their body type.
I responded:
i have said this exact thing as I develop my foundation in the FA movement. I am 43 years old 390. When I look at photos of myself I see a cute kid that has a few extra pounds. As a child I was taught that I was inappropriately fat and teased as XX described. forget school, and kids, just from my parents alone, who took my fat as their failure, I was bribed, weight watchered, diet doctored, fat camped, punished and have one particular painful memory of my father dragging a 11 year old me out of bed at 6am to force me to do jumping jacks and because my effort wasn’t enthusiastic enough, he viciously called me a fat horse, walked away and didn’t speak to me for 2 days. Today I wonder, (and hope for todays fat kids) that if I was nurtured to be the best, healthiest, me I could be as a boy if I would weigh less than I do today. Even if it would not have made a difference in my body, I sure would have loved to take a pass on the three decades of self hate and sense of unworthiness that was my inner life until I found the FA/HAES community.
Someone replied -- I’m so sorry these things happened to you, and even sorrier that your experiences are not unusual.
I responded....
“and even sorrier that your experiences are not unusual” sniper, when i first got here i was like, wow these FA activist are an angry bunch, but now I feel compelled to contribute & to do what I can to help bring on the change that will make experiences like these unusual. I know I am still a zygote in the FA world, but this is the world I am moving to… it beats the crap out of the world I grew up in. Awww, crap,
Someone replied,
Ivan, I’m sorry. I’ll tell you, FA is good for me now – but more importantly, I don’t want to participate in a world that continues to do that sort of harm to kids.
I responded
• ivan Posted November 20, 2009 at 8:55 am | Permalink “I don’t want to participate in a world that continues to do that sort of harm to kids.” XXXXX, I think that although painful, participation in the world that does this sort of harm to kids in necessary if I am going to effect any change in that world. It is difficult to consider participating (let alone moving around easily) in that world as a 390 lb man, however, if I believe that our culture’s hatred of fat people is wrong, I need to stand up against it even if it hurts my knees to stand up for a long time.
As you all know, that is not the case. I have to figure out what Fat Acceptance means to me. I have to find peace with all the aspects of food, body image, stigma, prejudice, feminism, virility, health, exercise... I could go on and on.
I know that I have never ever been able to reign in my eating for any length of time, The only long term experience I had was eating pound and pounds of meat and little else for three years. The moment I started eating complex carbs, I gained all my weight back and more.
I like the way not berating myself for what I eat feels. Yet, I do experience many uncomfortable realities being the weight I am. I am working with my doctors to mitigate them, however, from where I stand, it is clear that losing weight would help almost all of them. I do not even pursue this option, because at this point, I do believe that any weight I would lose would be back on plus more in short order.
I have had a few nights now of waking up gasping for air, even with my CPAP breathing machine. I am going to call my doctor and talk about this, yet I know the best solution will be to lose weight. I also believe that trying to lose weight is a waste of time for me. I have a lifetime of evidence towards that.
Everyone I talk to about this (if I talk to anyone about this) would say something different to me about this because there is no one authority or agreed on Fat Acceptance Movement.
If there was one FA authority, I could go there and figure out what the FA appropriate next steps for the apnea should be.
I am still not sure what to so next. I cannot discuss this with my family, because their heads explode when I tell them that losing weight is not an option for me. I have a sweet therapist that does her best to understand FA but not sure where that is going. I have a few friends in FA, but I do not want to burden them.
I'll go over to the Fat Studies list and ask the brains over there about treatment options for the sleep apnea. They always have good info and are very kind to me.
I wonder, a lot, if walking the Fat Acceptance path is the right one for me. I believe it is. It is just that I am not sure which one of the many versions of the Fat Acceptance movement is going to wind up being mine. I know I like the community and the suspension of the self hatred, yet I still find myself wondering if subscribing to what I understand is set point theory, and not trying to lose weight is the right thing for me. Again, there is no one "right" course of action. The different opinions within the Fat Acceptance Community confuse me instead of help me figure out what is right for me.
I am still learning and investigating the movement. Heck, I still am only half way through Linda Bacon's book.
I am just a little scared and shell shocked about waking up gasping for breath. It's very scary.
Okay that's all for now.
below is an unrelated thread about the trauma kids are exposed to via Fat stigma... I was going to post it separately and decided to just put it at the end. They are the blog exchanges from another blog, but I wanted in here on my blog.
I commented
I am aware of my fatness as well.
One thing I find fascinating though is that I was aware of my fatness back when I was a teen as well – and was certainly made aware of it by teachers, doctors, members of my peer group, etc. Yet, looking at old photos of myself, I wasn’t anything like as fat as I thought I was – indeed I find it difficult even recognizing the person in the picture.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
someone responded to my comment
Maybe – just maybe – if people weren’t so obsessed with labeling people as “fat”, “obese” etc. we’d have a lot more people around who are both happier and healthier. Regardless of their body type.
I responded:
i have said this exact thing as I develop my foundation in the FA movement. I am 43 years old 390. When I look at photos of myself I see a cute kid that has a few extra pounds. As a child I was taught that I was inappropriately fat and teased as XX described. forget school, and kids, just from my parents alone, who took my fat as their failure, I was bribed, weight watchered, diet doctored, fat camped, punished and have one particular painful memory of my father dragging a 11 year old me out of bed at 6am to force me to do jumping jacks and because my effort wasn’t enthusiastic enough, he viciously called me a fat horse, walked away and didn’t speak to me for 2 days. Today I wonder, (and hope for todays fat kids) that if I was nurtured to be the best, healthiest, me I could be as a boy if I would weigh less than I do today. Even if it would not have made a difference in my body, I sure would have loved to take a pass on the three decades of self hate and sense of unworthiness that was my inner life until I found the FA/HAES community.
Someone replied -- I’m so sorry these things happened to you, and even sorrier that your experiences are not unusual.
I responded....
“and even sorrier that your experiences are not unusual” sniper, when i first got here i was like, wow these FA activist are an angry bunch, but now I feel compelled to contribute & to do what I can to help bring on the change that will make experiences like these unusual. I know I am still a zygote in the FA world, but this is the world I am moving to… it beats the crap out of the world I grew up in. Awww, crap,
Someone replied,
Ivan, I’m sorry. I’ll tell you, FA is good for me now – but more importantly, I don’t want to participate in a world that continues to do that sort of harm to kids.
I responded
• ivan Posted November 20, 2009 at 8:55 am | Permalink “I don’t want to participate in a world that continues to do that sort of harm to kids.” XXXXX, I think that although painful, participation in the world that does this sort of harm to kids in necessary if I am going to effect any change in that world. It is difficult to consider participating (let alone moving around easily) in that world as a 390 lb man, however, if I believe that our culture’s hatred of fat people is wrong, I need to stand up against it even if it hurts my knees to stand up for a long time.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
THE SIZE ACCEPTANCE SALON - CHEWING THE FAT
THE SIZE ACCEPTANCE SALON - CHEWING THE FAT
Well we had our first size acceptance salon conference call last Sunday night featuring an interview of Kira N the independent filmmaker and creator of FAT GIRLS FLOAT. Then there was a start of a discussion of how post WLS fat folks fit into the Fat Acceptance Movement. There was a lot there and we only scratched the surface on this topic. I look forward to more discussion about important issues like these being discussed amongst us. I hope that these salon's will serve in creating space for such discussions. The next salon is on Sunday 12/6 at 4pm in New York City and the Conference Line. (more info below)
Thanks to everyone who has helped so fat with pledging support to the film FAT GIRLS FLOAT, via kickstarter, As of this writing we have 50 backers and $3,862 pledged. There are 25 days left to raise the additional $1,138. We need your help to do it because if we don't help Kira to the $5,000 mark, then none of the money is collected. Please pass on the word about FAT GIRLS FLOAT, to everyone you know in the Fat Acceptance Community. Also please consider pledging any amount, as low as $1.00 because every pledge helps, no matter what the size! (sound familiar?) You can see a one minute trailer of the movie here http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/xads89 and you can become a backer of this film by pledging here. http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1791863791/get-in-the-pool-with-fat-girls-float
The next Size Acceptance Salon will be held live in New York City and 12/4/2009. We haven't picked a topic yet, however, if one occurs to me I will let you know. I think people are hungry (punny?) for this kind of space and I hope that if you are in the NYC area, you can make it. I might try to jump onto the conference call line to see if folks can dial in.. Not sure about the sound quality using the speaker phone, but we can give it a shot.
So please go to www.meetup.com/sizeacceptancesalon and check out the calendar which also has a tab for suggested topics, let me know what you want to talk about there.
Below is a copy of what I blogged last week about the Salon, but the best way to get a feel for it is the go to the meetup link and check it out.
Cheers.,
Ivan
I have been in "observe" mode on the fat-0-sphere lately. I have been doing the equivalent of Channel Surfing. There are the usual stuff, fashion, some recipes, personal stories, and some conflict and discussions of responsibility, civility, protocol and puppies.
At this point on my journey into the Size Acceptance/Fat Acceptance community I have identified many aspects of this community I like, and many aspects of this community that could use improvement.
There has been talk of what is the mission of the Fat Acceptance movement. What are its rules of engagement or what should they be. All very important discussions to have.
Apparently, discussions that have been had, a lot. In, fact I get the sense that some of the more established folks on the Fat-o-Sphere are a little tired of having the same discussions over and over again. Other's, like myself, are eager to have these discussions.
Right now the big buzz is around the Fat Studies Reader. It is very exciting to have watched the pre release buzz and to now see readings being organized. With the energy of all these voices coming together I have initiated the creation of a Size Acceptance Salon, which will assemble both virtually (conference calls and internet) and live, in person, Salons in New York City and hopefully other cities around our nation, heck, even in other countries. ( telling myself dreaming big is totally cool)
My goal is to create safe spaces to have the conversations around the issues of Fat/Size Acceptance and Health at Every Size. I hope to enlist the more experienced members of this community to be part of these discussion for the purposes of exchanging ideas, facilitating commutation, respectfully debating our differences, and most importantly, creating a supportive sense of community.
I believe if we take the time to understand what others belief, and what others want, and what is important to each of us, we can partner on moving forward with agreed upon goals, whether individual or as a group.
So with that please consider joining The Size Acceptance Salon - Chewing the Fat, at www.meetup.com/sizeacceptancesalon.
Well we had our first size acceptance salon conference call last Sunday night featuring an interview of Kira N the independent filmmaker and creator of FAT GIRLS FLOAT. Then there was a start of a discussion of how post WLS fat folks fit into the Fat Acceptance Movement. There was a lot there and we only scratched the surface on this topic. I look forward to more discussion about important issues like these being discussed amongst us. I hope that these salon's will serve in creating space for such discussions. The next salon is on Sunday 12/6 at 4pm in New York City and the Conference Line. (more info below)
Thanks to everyone who has helped so fat with pledging support to the film FAT GIRLS FLOAT, via kickstarter, As of this writing we have 50 backers and $3,862 pledged. There are 25 days left to raise the additional $1,138. We need your help to do it because if we don't help Kira to the $5,000 mark, then none of the money is collected. Please pass on the word about FAT GIRLS FLOAT, to everyone you know in the Fat Acceptance Community. Also please consider pledging any amount, as low as $1.00 because every pledge helps, no matter what the size! (sound familiar?) You can see a one minute trailer of the movie here http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/xads89 and you can become a backer of this film by pledging here. http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1791863791/get-in-the-pool-with-fat-girls-float
The next Size Acceptance Salon will be held live in New York City and 12/4/2009. We haven't picked a topic yet, however, if one occurs to me I will let you know. I think people are hungry (punny?) for this kind of space and I hope that if you are in the NYC area, you can make it. I might try to jump onto the conference call line to see if folks can dial in.. Not sure about the sound quality using the speaker phone, but we can give it a shot.
So please go to www.meetup.com/sizeacceptancesalon and check out the calendar which also has a tab for suggested topics, let me know what you want to talk about there.
Below is a copy of what I blogged last week about the Salon, but the best way to get a feel for it is the go to the meetup link and check it out.
Cheers.,
Ivan
I have been in "observe" mode on the fat-0-sphere lately. I have been doing the equivalent of Channel Surfing. There are the usual stuff, fashion, some recipes, personal stories, and some conflict and discussions of responsibility, civility, protocol and puppies.
At this point on my journey into the Size Acceptance/Fat Acceptance community I have identified many aspects of this community I like, and many aspects of this community that could use improvement.
There has been talk of what is the mission of the Fat Acceptance movement. What are its rules of engagement or what should they be. All very important discussions to have.
Apparently, discussions that have been had, a lot. In, fact I get the sense that some of the more established folks on the Fat-o-Sphere are a little tired of having the same discussions over and over again. Other's, like myself, are eager to have these discussions.
Right now the big buzz is around the Fat Studies Reader. It is very exciting to have watched the pre release buzz and to now see readings being organized. With the energy of all these voices coming together I have initiated the creation of a Size Acceptance Salon, which will assemble both virtually (conference calls and internet) and live, in person, Salons in New York City and hopefully other cities around our nation, heck, even in other countries. ( telling myself dreaming big is totally cool)
My goal is to create safe spaces to have the conversations around the issues of Fat/Size Acceptance and Health at Every Size. I hope to enlist the more experienced members of this community to be part of these discussion for the purposes of exchanging ideas, facilitating commutation, respectfully debating our differences, and most importantly, creating a supportive sense of community.
I believe if we take the time to understand what others belief, and what others want, and what is important to each of us, we can partner on moving forward with agreed upon goals, whether individual or as a group.
So with that please consider joining The Size Acceptance Salon - Chewing the Fat, at www.meetup.com/sizeacceptancesalon.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Chick Flic Teaches Fat Man a lesson
When I ask myself the question, what is the greatest thing about Fat Acceptance, without hesitation, I can tell you that the FA movement has transformed a lifelong belief in my unworthiness of the good things life has to offer into a strong (and getting stronger) connection to not only my worthiness, but my sweetness, my beauty, and even my humanity.
This experience has been a life changer for me. So I am now moving beyond just blogging into the next actions that make sense for me. Not quite activism… Perhaps, with as much humility as I can muster, I want to do community organizing work. I want to join with others that want to look at these issues with an intent to help move things toward the better.
With that in mind I want to tell you about the movie, Fat Girls Float. What I like most about this project is that it is touching on the core of self acceptance, the essence of worthiness. This movie in in sync with what I am experiencing with my own personal sense of Fat Acceptance.
So along the lines of community organizing, I have asked some Fat-o-Sphere bloggers I know personally to send out a message about this film and it's efforts to raise funds for the next six wednesdays. I know you will enjoy the trailer, and I hope you are moved to donate and to ask your friends to donate. I also hope you will consider joining me and the handful of bloggers in our community who are "organizing" to support this project.
Below are two messages. the first is the templated message I am asking folks to post or to paraphrase or to even plagiarize with our permission. The message after that is about the Size Acceptance Salon which is my community organizing effort to bring smart people together to have inspired and thoughtful exchanging of ideas. Thanks for taking the time to read this and let me know if you want to be a list of folks we are sending the "cut and paste" blog copy for the next several Wednesdays.
FAT GIRLS FLOAT is the provocative, engaging and moving new documentary from Kira Nerusskaya, a 300 pound filmmaker with a message to share. The film showcases heartfelt interviews with fat women from around the world who discuss size discrimination, political activism, fat and size acceptance, and their experiences as fat women under attack in a thin-centric world. Please be a part of making this film by pledging HERE. Any donation in any amount is appreciated. We only have until December 13th to raise the rest of the funds we need for this next step of post production, so please help us spread the word about this amazing project by tweeting, reposting this paragraph in your blog every Wednesday or on your site and telling your friends. Donate Now. Join us this Sunday, 11/15/09 at 7:00p.m. EST for a "meet the film maker" conference call and Fat Acceptance discussion. Check out the Fat Acceptance Salon for more details at http://www.meetup.com/SizeAcceptanceSalon/calendar/11829542/
THE SIZE ACCEPTANCE SALON - CHEWING THE FAT
I have been in "observe" mode on the fat-0-sphere lately. I have been doing the equivalent of Channel Surfing. There are the usual stuff, fashion, some recipes, personal stories, and some conflict and discussions of responsibility, civility, protocol and puppies.
At this point on my journey into the Size Acceptance/Fat Acceptance community I have identified many aspects of this community I like, and many aspects of this community that could use improvement.
There has been talk of what is the mission of the Fat Acceptance movement. What are its rules of engagement or what should they be. All very important discussions to have.
Apparently, discussions that have been had, a lot. In, fact I get the sense that some of the more established folks on the Fat-o-Sphere are a little tired of having the same discussions over and over again. Other's, like myself, are eager to have these discussions.
Right now the big buzz is around the Fat Studies Reader. It is very exciting to have watched the pre release buzz and to now see readings being organized. With the energy of all these voices coming together I have initiated the creation of a Size Acceptance Salon, which will assemble both virtually (conference calls and internet) and live, in person, Salons in New York City and hopefully other cities around our nation, heck, even in other countries. ( telling myself dreaming big is totally cool)
My goal is to create safe spaces to have the conversations around the issues of Fat/Size Acceptance and Health at Every Size. I hope to enlist the more experienced members of this community to be part of these discussion for the purposes of exchanging ideas, facilitating commutation, respectfully debating our differences, and most importantly, creating a supportive sense of community.
I believe if we take the time to understand what others belief, and what others want, and what is important to each of us, we can partner on moving forward with agreed upon goals, whether individual or as a group.
So with that please consider joining The Size Acceptance Salon - Chewing the Fat, at www.meetup.com/sizeacceptancesalon. Our first conference call is scheduled for this Sunday, 11/15/09 at 7pm. http://www.meetup.com/SizeAcceptanceSalon/calendar/11829542/
Cheers,
Ivan
This experience has been a life changer for me. So I am now moving beyond just blogging into the next actions that make sense for me. Not quite activism… Perhaps, with as much humility as I can muster, I want to do community organizing work. I want to join with others that want to look at these issues with an intent to help move things toward the better.
With that in mind I want to tell you about the movie, Fat Girls Float. What I like most about this project is that it is touching on the core of self acceptance, the essence of worthiness. This movie in in sync with what I am experiencing with my own personal sense of Fat Acceptance.
So along the lines of community organizing, I have asked some Fat-o-Sphere bloggers I know personally to send out a message about this film and it's efforts to raise funds for the next six wednesdays. I know you will enjoy the trailer, and I hope you are moved to donate and to ask your friends to donate. I also hope you will consider joining me and the handful of bloggers in our community who are "organizing" to support this project.
Below are two messages. the first is the templated message I am asking folks to post or to paraphrase or to even plagiarize with our permission. The message after that is about the Size Acceptance Salon which is my community organizing effort to bring smart people together to have inspired and thoughtful exchanging of ideas. Thanks for taking the time to read this and let me know if you want to be a list of folks we are sending the "cut and paste" blog copy for the next several Wednesdays.
FAT GIRLS FLOAT is the provocative, engaging and moving new documentary from Kira Nerusskaya, a 300 pound filmmaker with a message to share. The film showcases heartfelt interviews with fat women from around the world who discuss size discrimination, political activism, fat and size acceptance, and their experiences as fat women under attack in a thin-centric world. Please be a part of making this film by pledging HERE. Any donation in any amount is appreciated. We only have until December 13th to raise the rest of the funds we need for this next step of post production, so please help us spread the word about this amazing project by tweeting, reposting this paragraph in your blog every Wednesday or on your site and telling your friends. Donate Now. Join us this Sunday, 11/15/09 at 7:00p.m. EST for a "meet the film maker" conference call and Fat Acceptance discussion. Check out the Fat Acceptance Salon for more details at http://www.meetup.com/SizeAcceptanceSalon/calendar/11829542/
THE SIZE ACCEPTANCE SALON - CHEWING THE FAT
I have been in "observe" mode on the fat-0-sphere lately. I have been doing the equivalent of Channel Surfing. There are the usual stuff, fashion, some recipes, personal stories, and some conflict and discussions of responsibility, civility, protocol and puppies.
At this point on my journey into the Size Acceptance/Fat Acceptance community I have identified many aspects of this community I like, and many aspects of this community that could use improvement.
There has been talk of what is the mission of the Fat Acceptance movement. What are its rules of engagement or what should they be. All very important discussions to have.
Apparently, discussions that have been had, a lot. In, fact I get the sense that some of the more established folks on the Fat-o-Sphere are a little tired of having the same discussions over and over again. Other's, like myself, are eager to have these discussions.
Right now the big buzz is around the Fat Studies Reader. It is very exciting to have watched the pre release buzz and to now see readings being organized. With the energy of all these voices coming together I have initiated the creation of a Size Acceptance Salon, which will assemble both virtually (conference calls and internet) and live, in person, Salons in New York City and hopefully other cities around our nation, heck, even in other countries. ( telling myself dreaming big is totally cool)
My goal is to create safe spaces to have the conversations around the issues of Fat/Size Acceptance and Health at Every Size. I hope to enlist the more experienced members of this community to be part of these discussion for the purposes of exchanging ideas, facilitating commutation, respectfully debating our differences, and most importantly, creating a supportive sense of community.
I believe if we take the time to understand what others belief, and what others want, and what is important to each of us, we can partner on moving forward with agreed upon goals, whether individual or as a group.
So with that please consider joining The Size Acceptance Salon - Chewing the Fat, at www.meetup.com/sizeacceptancesalon. Our first conference call is scheduled for this Sunday, 11/15/09 at 7pm. http://www.meetup.com/SizeAcceptanceSalon/calendar/11829542/
Cheers,
Ivan
Friday, October 23, 2009
Wouldn't it be nice to be thin?
Wouldn't it be nice to be rich, to win the lotto. I'd finally get my dream car, the Mercedes Maybach. I'd make a you tube video taking my $400,000 car through the McDonnell's drive through. I'd travel to all sorts of fancy places, I'd do lots a great charity work.
Wouldn't it be nice to meet my soulmate?
Wouldn't it be nice to be famous. I would have a brilliant movie career and the paparazzi would follow me around. I'd go to all the cool LA night clubs and rub elbows with other famous people.
Wouldn't it be nice to find the dream job, doing what I love to do. Helping people, kids, animals. Getting paid well and enjoying going to work everyday.
Wouldn't it be nice to be taller? Would't it be nice to have a fuller head of hair?
Wouldn't it be nice to be a popular hollywood heartthrob and be dating beautiful hollywood starlets?
Wouldn't it be nice to be thin..….. (sound of record scratching and the background music stops) "Did he actually just type that?" "Uh Oh, he just went taboo on us." "Nice guy, but how dare he talk about losing weight on the Fat-o-Sphere." "I'm gonna comment his wanting to be skinny ass off the internet"
Don't worry, this is just an intellectual exercise. I may not even post this, well if you are reading this then I did post this.
Before finding the Fat Acceptance Community, I had spent my life pursuing being thin, or even just less fat. While I have lost major amounts of weight a few times in my life, a few of those times due to very serious illness, I have always gained it back. I can remember buckling my seatbelt on an airplane as a thin man thinking I will never go back to being fat again. I remember on summer days on the new york city subway system with my bicycle, getting off the train and trotting up the stairs with my bike on my shoulder thinking I was King of the World. I also remember everyone in my life applauding me for my accomplishment. I remember loving being able to buy clothes at old navy. Crossing my legs. Having to slow down because the person I was hanging with wasn't as fit as I was.
There are, in fact, some positive qualities to being thin (or thinner I am 390 right now). Is it a sin to acknowledge that there are some aspects of not being fat that are appealing? More importantly, is it harmful to me and my new found peace with myself to think about those things?
If I lost a little weight wouldn't that make walking easier? Wouldn't losing weight help me with my recovery from being paralyzed and immobile for 7 months where most of the muscle mass I did have de-conditioned to the point where I can't walk more than a few blocks without needing to take a break?
Am I hurting myself by even considering these thoughts.
I am hoping that the folks on the sphere whom I appreciate can share some of their thoughts here with me.
My only goal with food and exercise right now is to increase my mobility and enhance my health by increasing the level of nutrition in what I do eat. I would like to get into a pool and do some movement there to increase my lung capacity which has also suffered from the medical trauma of two and a half years ago.
I am not going to go into the issues of the horrific, chronic, awful, pain I have from the surgery or all the trials and obstacles that managing that pain daily with meds adds to my struggle. It is part of my struggle and I am grateful that I can ambulate (although with major limitations). It does make exercising and movement more challenging. I will not let it keep me from doing it. Maybe I can cut myself some slack here, but that is probably another post… maybe even another blog.
While I am a card carrying member of the Fat Acceptance Community, and I understand that there is a no-diet talk policy amongst most of us, I am musing here because these thoughts about being thin are in my head and I want to chew on them with fellow fatties who may have some insight to share with me about how they processed through them.
I don't think about them in the " maybe someday I will lose weight " kind of way. I just wonder if by completely giving myself to Fat Acceptance, am I keeping myself from, perhaps, loosing some of my 400 pounds, which would make building up my strength and stamina easier?
My hunch is that since I have never been able to maintain any kind of weight loss before, that any attempts and limiting my food in or deliberating burning more calories out for the purpose of losing weight is a waste of my time.
Still, in all honesty, and this is not to stir up any drama on the sphere, which seems like an easy thing to do… this is just to acknowledge that there is still a small part of me that thinks… Wouldn't it be nice if I could lose the weight? or "Why not give it another try?"
Sometimes when I come up on some of the limitations at this size, I have a thought flash through my head about losing weight. for example, tying my shoe laces. This takes time, I have to be strategic with my breathing as I bend to reach the laces. Sometimes I have to come up for air and start over again. Most of the time I wear the crocs which do not require this. However, when I do put on my sneakers and tie them, I sometimes think, it would be nice to not have to deal with this.
I, for the most part, recognize that I am always going to be fat. I recognize that focusing all my efforts on improvement within the weight neutral, HAES framework is the right, and the sane, and the path to peace and self acceptance for me.
When I get into my "spiritual head" I can go to a place of gratitude for everything in my life, including my sturdy, strong, resilient body. Saying "Thank you for my fat" is not a thought I can easily connect to. I get glimpses of what it would be like to say that and it does seem within reach for me. I am just not there yet.
There is also the whole good fattie vs bad fattie issue which I will leave for another post.
I have blogged about how wonderful it has been for me and my sense of worthiness to connect with the fat acceptance movement. I am growing in new ways and I am enjoying all the great folks I have met along the way.
I just feel like my thinking is still tainted when it comes to thoughts about being thin. I feel like they are injurious to me.
Another big part of it is the virility and the sexual attractiveness stuff, again a topic in and of itself for another post.
I guess it might be about the difference between accepting my fat and embracing it?
I know I can not maintain weight loss. I know this. I accept this. I know it is about living a rich and full life within this framework of acceptance. An I a horrible person because I sometimes still think it would be nice to be thin even though I know that it is just not possible for me.
Somehow when I think it would be nice to be taller, I do not feel like I am betraying my 5'7 self. But when I think it would be nice to be thin, I feel like I am a traitor, a Fat Acceptance Fraud?
I get the wisdom of no weight loss talk. I have boundaries with several folks about it. But what about my own inner thoughts, sometimes they just pop in my head. What do I do then?
I am wondering if this is just part of the journey through Fat Acceptance.
What works for you? Do you love being fat? How did you get there? Do you have fleeting thoughts about being thin? How do you deal with them when they surface? Do you have your own set of rules around thoughts of being thin? What other thoughts do you have about these musings?
Cheers,
Ivan
Wouldn't it be nice to meet my soulmate?
Wouldn't it be nice to be famous. I would have a brilliant movie career and the paparazzi would follow me around. I'd go to all the cool LA night clubs and rub elbows with other famous people.
Wouldn't it be nice to find the dream job, doing what I love to do. Helping people, kids, animals. Getting paid well and enjoying going to work everyday.
Wouldn't it be nice to be taller? Would't it be nice to have a fuller head of hair?
Wouldn't it be nice to be a popular hollywood heartthrob and be dating beautiful hollywood starlets?
Wouldn't it be nice to be thin..….. (sound of record scratching and the background music stops) "Did he actually just type that?" "Uh Oh, he just went taboo on us." "Nice guy, but how dare he talk about losing weight on the Fat-o-Sphere." "I'm gonna comment his wanting to be skinny ass off the internet"
Don't worry, this is just an intellectual exercise. I may not even post this, well if you are reading this then I did post this.
Before finding the Fat Acceptance Community, I had spent my life pursuing being thin, or even just less fat. While I have lost major amounts of weight a few times in my life, a few of those times due to very serious illness, I have always gained it back. I can remember buckling my seatbelt on an airplane as a thin man thinking I will never go back to being fat again. I remember on summer days on the new york city subway system with my bicycle, getting off the train and trotting up the stairs with my bike on my shoulder thinking I was King of the World. I also remember everyone in my life applauding me for my accomplishment. I remember loving being able to buy clothes at old navy. Crossing my legs. Having to slow down because the person I was hanging with wasn't as fit as I was.
There are, in fact, some positive qualities to being thin (or thinner I am 390 right now). Is it a sin to acknowledge that there are some aspects of not being fat that are appealing? More importantly, is it harmful to me and my new found peace with myself to think about those things?
If I lost a little weight wouldn't that make walking easier? Wouldn't losing weight help me with my recovery from being paralyzed and immobile for 7 months where most of the muscle mass I did have de-conditioned to the point where I can't walk more than a few blocks without needing to take a break?
Am I hurting myself by even considering these thoughts.
I am hoping that the folks on the sphere whom I appreciate can share some of their thoughts here with me.
My only goal with food and exercise right now is to increase my mobility and enhance my health by increasing the level of nutrition in what I do eat. I would like to get into a pool and do some movement there to increase my lung capacity which has also suffered from the medical trauma of two and a half years ago.
I am not going to go into the issues of the horrific, chronic, awful, pain I have from the surgery or all the trials and obstacles that managing that pain daily with meds adds to my struggle. It is part of my struggle and I am grateful that I can ambulate (although with major limitations). It does make exercising and movement more challenging. I will not let it keep me from doing it. Maybe I can cut myself some slack here, but that is probably another post… maybe even another blog.
While I am a card carrying member of the Fat Acceptance Community, and I understand that there is a no-diet talk policy amongst most of us, I am musing here because these thoughts about being thin are in my head and I want to chew on them with fellow fatties who may have some insight to share with me about how they processed through them.
I don't think about them in the " maybe someday I will lose weight " kind of way. I just wonder if by completely giving myself to Fat Acceptance, am I keeping myself from, perhaps, loosing some of my 400 pounds, which would make building up my strength and stamina easier?
My hunch is that since I have never been able to maintain any kind of weight loss before, that any attempts and limiting my food in or deliberating burning more calories out for the purpose of losing weight is a waste of my time.
Still, in all honesty, and this is not to stir up any drama on the sphere, which seems like an easy thing to do… this is just to acknowledge that there is still a small part of me that thinks… Wouldn't it be nice if I could lose the weight? or "Why not give it another try?"
Sometimes when I come up on some of the limitations at this size, I have a thought flash through my head about losing weight. for example, tying my shoe laces. This takes time, I have to be strategic with my breathing as I bend to reach the laces. Sometimes I have to come up for air and start over again. Most of the time I wear the crocs which do not require this. However, when I do put on my sneakers and tie them, I sometimes think, it would be nice to not have to deal with this.
I, for the most part, recognize that I am always going to be fat. I recognize that focusing all my efforts on improvement within the weight neutral, HAES framework is the right, and the sane, and the path to peace and self acceptance for me.
When I get into my "spiritual head" I can go to a place of gratitude for everything in my life, including my sturdy, strong, resilient body. Saying "Thank you for my fat" is not a thought I can easily connect to. I get glimpses of what it would be like to say that and it does seem within reach for me. I am just not there yet.
There is also the whole good fattie vs bad fattie issue which I will leave for another post.
I have blogged about how wonderful it has been for me and my sense of worthiness to connect with the fat acceptance movement. I am growing in new ways and I am enjoying all the great folks I have met along the way.
I just feel like my thinking is still tainted when it comes to thoughts about being thin. I feel like they are injurious to me.
Another big part of it is the virility and the sexual attractiveness stuff, again a topic in and of itself for another post.
I guess it might be about the difference between accepting my fat and embracing it?
I know I can not maintain weight loss. I know this. I accept this. I know it is about living a rich and full life within this framework of acceptance. An I a horrible person because I sometimes still think it would be nice to be thin even though I know that it is just not possible for me.
Somehow when I think it would be nice to be taller, I do not feel like I am betraying my 5'7 self. But when I think it would be nice to be thin, I feel like I am a traitor, a Fat Acceptance Fraud?
I get the wisdom of no weight loss talk. I have boundaries with several folks about it. But what about my own inner thoughts, sometimes they just pop in my head. What do I do then?
I am wondering if this is just part of the journey through Fat Acceptance.
What works for you? Do you love being fat? How did you get there? Do you have fleeting thoughts about being thin? How do you deal with them when they surface? Do you have your own set of rules around thoughts of being thin? What other thoughts do you have about these musings?
Cheers,
Ivan
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
The Debating Society Inside my Head
I am trying to figure out how much of the judgement and fat hating is coming at me from the world at large and how much of it is coming from inside me.
For most of my life being fat was unacceptable. I was always in a state of wrongness. I was constantly assaulted with messages of why I was not enough and why I was not doing enough to correct my wrongness. I went to therapists, commercial weight loss programs, fat camp, 12 step programs all in pursuit of finding a way to be an acceptable person, which, by all accounts around me, I was not because I was fat.
Now I find myself as an adult navigating my way through the fat acceptance community. Taking on my own internalized beliefs about myself not being enough is revolutionary to me and everyone in my life.
Could I really be fat and acceptable?
The complexity of that question has been overwhelming. I have been examining my ass off looking at all sides of the argument for and against accepting myself fat.
I have been told by my nearest and dearest people in my life that I don't have the right to accept myself. I MUST do something about my weight. They plead with me to stop killing myself. The fact that there is a possibility that I am not going to die from my fatness is one that they refuse to acknowledge. In fact, because I am fat, some of the medical data, as best as I can decipher, indicates that I may actually live longer in the face of some of the possible health issues I may face as I age.
Medical data aside for a moment. When I consider my own personal history it is clear to me that maintaining any loss of weight is something that I am unable to do. Even with this fact, I still struggle with the thought that I should at least try. Some of the smart folks in the Fat Acceptance community say things to the effect of losing and gaining back the weight in and of itself has a negative impact on my health.
I have been making myself crazy trying to understand all the different positions, arguments, and issues related to fat acceptance.
The most challenging and emotionally charged interactions are with family and my best friend. My family is angry at me for choosing to accept my fatness. With my parents, I have set a boundary of no discussion about my health, weight, food, or exercise. This course of action with them allows for us to have a relationship as I have made it clear I will not be around them when they attempt to discuss these things with me. My sister recently told me to not come to her house if I am going to pig out like I did the last time she invited me over. That one is simple, I will just not be accepting any invitations to her house anymore. In no uncertain terms she has made it clear to me that she thinks my association with the FA community is toxic for me. I got a "concerned" email from my best friend last week explaining to me why being fat is okay but being super fat like me is not. WTF?
Ya know, I am not sure where I am going with all of this. I think what I am trying to get to is a place where I just stop letting what other's think of me affect me so much. For a guy like me, that seems like asking me to give up an arm. I can get by with one arm, but it will be very uncomfortable. I work very hard at creating situations and exposing myself to folks who think highly of me. Maybe because in my heart of hearts, I believe that living a fat life is in fact a tragedy. What could be more tragic than believing I am living a tragic life when in fact I can live a wonderful life?… a wonderful fat life. I guess the question to myself is, do I belive I can have a wonderful life, fat.
Today I met friends for lunch. The waiter asked if i wanted chips or carrots with my meal, I said out loud to my eating companions, I'll be good and have the carrots…. WTF Ivan?
Maybe being gentle with myself is called for here. I just want to be happy. Constantly trying to figure out how I can explain to others why the FA path is right for me doesn't feel good.
Do you think you are somehow living less of a life because your life is a fat life?
What does it say about my beliefs about myself if this is a question that is on my mind?
Not sure where the next step is for me, however, I do know that it is a step within the FA community.
Cheers!
For most of my life being fat was unacceptable. I was always in a state of wrongness. I was constantly assaulted with messages of why I was not enough and why I was not doing enough to correct my wrongness. I went to therapists, commercial weight loss programs, fat camp, 12 step programs all in pursuit of finding a way to be an acceptable person, which, by all accounts around me, I was not because I was fat.
Now I find myself as an adult navigating my way through the fat acceptance community. Taking on my own internalized beliefs about myself not being enough is revolutionary to me and everyone in my life.
Could I really be fat and acceptable?
The complexity of that question has been overwhelming. I have been examining my ass off looking at all sides of the argument for and against accepting myself fat.
I have been told by my nearest and dearest people in my life that I don't have the right to accept myself. I MUST do something about my weight. They plead with me to stop killing myself. The fact that there is a possibility that I am not going to die from my fatness is one that they refuse to acknowledge. In fact, because I am fat, some of the medical data, as best as I can decipher, indicates that I may actually live longer in the face of some of the possible health issues I may face as I age.
Medical data aside for a moment. When I consider my own personal history it is clear to me that maintaining any loss of weight is something that I am unable to do. Even with this fact, I still struggle with the thought that I should at least try. Some of the smart folks in the Fat Acceptance community say things to the effect of losing and gaining back the weight in and of itself has a negative impact on my health.
I have been making myself crazy trying to understand all the different positions, arguments, and issues related to fat acceptance.
The most challenging and emotionally charged interactions are with family and my best friend. My family is angry at me for choosing to accept my fatness. With my parents, I have set a boundary of no discussion about my health, weight, food, or exercise. This course of action with them allows for us to have a relationship as I have made it clear I will not be around them when they attempt to discuss these things with me. My sister recently told me to not come to her house if I am going to pig out like I did the last time she invited me over. That one is simple, I will just not be accepting any invitations to her house anymore. In no uncertain terms she has made it clear to me that she thinks my association with the FA community is toxic for me. I got a "concerned" email from my best friend last week explaining to me why being fat is okay but being super fat like me is not. WTF?
Ya know, I am not sure where I am going with all of this. I think what I am trying to get to is a place where I just stop letting what other's think of me affect me so much. For a guy like me, that seems like asking me to give up an arm. I can get by with one arm, but it will be very uncomfortable. I work very hard at creating situations and exposing myself to folks who think highly of me. Maybe because in my heart of hearts, I believe that living a fat life is in fact a tragedy. What could be more tragic than believing I am living a tragic life when in fact I can live a wonderful life?… a wonderful fat life. I guess the question to myself is, do I belive I can have a wonderful life, fat.
Today I met friends for lunch. The waiter asked if i wanted chips or carrots with my meal, I said out loud to my eating companions, I'll be good and have the carrots…. WTF Ivan?
Maybe being gentle with myself is called for here. I just want to be happy. Constantly trying to figure out how I can explain to others why the FA path is right for me doesn't feel good.
Do you think you are somehow living less of a life because your life is a fat life?
What does it say about my beliefs about myself if this is a question that is on my mind?
Not sure where the next step is for me, however, I do know that it is a step within the FA community.
Cheers!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
The Measure of a Man
I am between 5'7" and 5'8" depending on who is measuring. The last weigh in a few months ago was 380.
I am involved in the Fat Acceptance Community because I had lead a miserable, unhappy life which I believed stemmed from me being fat. In a pursuit of family, society and sadly my own approval I felt unworthy of romantic love because I bought into the norm that fat is bad and evil, hence by extension so was I.
My male privilege, which I didn't know about until pointed out for me at Shapely Prose made my fat life easier than my fat sisters. I allow that I may not fully understand the harder time that fat woman have in our culture. I can speak personally to the stigma I have felt primarily from the opposite sex. Maybe it was all just a confidence thing. But my lack of confidence and self esteem when it came to the opposite sex was all about my weight. I do now see that probably it was my lack of confidence, not my actual weight that was in my way with the ladies. That being said, there is a lot of anti fat bias out there in the dating world and women are not the only victims of it. check out the comments here http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-would-you-marry-a-man-who-is-morbidly-obese/?cnn=yes
I was quite an unhappy puppy. When I came into the FA community the first thing that was apparent to me was that there are not a lot of fat guys around talking about the struggles of being a fat guy. In fact, I couldn't find any. I did get the message very early that fat women have it harder than men. Honestly, it seemed a little dismissive of my experience as a fat man. I respect women and I do not want to offend the feminist fat women, but I probably do and am grateful to those willing to point out when I trespass and perhaps offend. Honestly, am I allowed to plead ignorance? I always get a little nervous about being misunderstood when talking about this. But is seems that there are only women to talk to in FA (and males that admire fat women)
I think there are many fat guys around that have a lot in common and can add a lot to the community and I am not sure why they are so hard to find. I went to the Naffa convention and as far as I could tell I was one of three guys there that Identified as a fat man. Three ???? WTF?
Could it be that guys don't want to be vulnerable? Could it be that they have transcended the limiting beliefs that society has about fat and I am the only fat guy feeling the heat? Could I be one of the only guys that wonders about the stigma that fat boys face growing up? Having been the target of so much fat hate growing up (oh by the way, I wasn't that fat, not that the way I was treated by family and society would have me believe) But I was always "trying" to lose weight.
I am finally connecting with my own sense of worthiness. I am finally seeing that the only opinion that matters is mine.
This is the gift that the FA community has given me. I will always be grateful for that.
So any other FAT Guys out there that wanna stop lurking? Imagine what the combined voices of several Fat men speaking to fat acceptance and health at any size could do for each other and the new guys investigating what our community has to offer.
I am not looking to move any mountains. I would just like to have one or two guys that understand the nuances of reclaiming a sense of worthiness after leading a life apologetically for being what I am…. Fat.
No More Apologies!!!
Fat FAt fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat..
I am fat!!!!!!!!!!!! I am fat!!!!!!!
I am a man!!!
and I need to say to any and all who think there is something wrong with me..….
FUCK OFF!!! FUCK YOU!!! AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY!!! (BITCH SLAPS ALL FAT HATERS)
that felt good.
I am involved in the Fat Acceptance Community because I had lead a miserable, unhappy life which I believed stemmed from me being fat. In a pursuit of family, society and sadly my own approval I felt unworthy of romantic love because I bought into the norm that fat is bad and evil, hence by extension so was I.
My male privilege, which I didn't know about until pointed out for me at Shapely Prose made my fat life easier than my fat sisters. I allow that I may not fully understand the harder time that fat woman have in our culture. I can speak personally to the stigma I have felt primarily from the opposite sex. Maybe it was all just a confidence thing. But my lack of confidence and self esteem when it came to the opposite sex was all about my weight. I do now see that probably it was my lack of confidence, not my actual weight that was in my way with the ladies. That being said, there is a lot of anti fat bias out there in the dating world and women are not the only victims of it. check out the comments here http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-would-you-marry-a-man-who-is-morbidly-obese/?cnn=yes
I was quite an unhappy puppy. When I came into the FA community the first thing that was apparent to me was that there are not a lot of fat guys around talking about the struggles of being a fat guy. In fact, I couldn't find any. I did get the message very early that fat women have it harder than men. Honestly, it seemed a little dismissive of my experience as a fat man. I respect women and I do not want to offend the feminist fat women, but I probably do and am grateful to those willing to point out when I trespass and perhaps offend. Honestly, am I allowed to plead ignorance? I always get a little nervous about being misunderstood when talking about this. But is seems that there are only women to talk to in FA (and males that admire fat women)
I think there are many fat guys around that have a lot in common and can add a lot to the community and I am not sure why they are so hard to find. I went to the Naffa convention and as far as I could tell I was one of three guys there that Identified as a fat man. Three ???? WTF?
Could it be that guys don't want to be vulnerable? Could it be that they have transcended the limiting beliefs that society has about fat and I am the only fat guy feeling the heat? Could I be one of the only guys that wonders about the stigma that fat boys face growing up? Having been the target of so much fat hate growing up (oh by the way, I wasn't that fat, not that the way I was treated by family and society would have me believe) But I was always "trying" to lose weight.
I am finally connecting with my own sense of worthiness. I am finally seeing that the only opinion that matters is mine.
This is the gift that the FA community has given me. I will always be grateful for that.
So any other FAT Guys out there that wanna stop lurking? Imagine what the combined voices of several Fat men speaking to fat acceptance and health at any size could do for each other and the new guys investigating what our community has to offer.
I am not looking to move any mountains. I would just like to have one or two guys that understand the nuances of reclaiming a sense of worthiness after leading a life apologetically for being what I am…. Fat.
No More Apologies!!!
Fat FAt fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat..
I am fat!!!!!!!!!!!! I am fat!!!!!!!
I am a man!!!
and I need to say to any and all who think there is something wrong with me..….
FUCK OFF!!! FUCK YOU!!! AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY!!! (BITCH SLAPS ALL FAT HATERS)
that felt good.
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