Friday, July 31, 2009

Can I love my Body now and tomorrow?

Shapely Prose had this up yesterday...

This is what came up for me as I read what these women courageously posted there.

I'm supposed to love my body?

I weighed in at 380 at the pulminologist who I went to see last week because I am having shortness of breath for the past few weeks. Just getting my ass to the doctor was a chore, but, new to FA and HAES, I was able to walk in there without a concern about what people thought about my weight. More tests next week and minor discussions of where to find an MRI that can fit me if the tests next week don't help us figure out what is going on. (Anyone know about Big and Tall, well really only big, MRI machines in manhattan?)

There is a lot more to my story. I have also been trying to figure out where I stand with HAES and FA as I go to my first convention in a few hours. I am at the point, where the next stage is a scooter. Maybe this lung thing is going to put me in one, but I decided to take my walker to the convention even though I could get by without it, haven't used it outside for almost a year, I see the wisdom in bringing it, despite how weak it amy make me look.

I'm supposed to love my body?

Born hungry, Crohn's disease diagnosed at 12, the first surgery cutting my diseased intestines away at 16 (eight? Ten?) surgeries later I found myself back on the operating table two years ago at (41 y/o) at 330. Emergency surgery this time, not planned, intestines strangulated and ruptured, sepsis, too much damage to repair the multiple hernias, ventilator, paralyzed from the neck down and a very nervous few weeks of coma, post coma ICU, nursing home and then physical therapy.

In ICU, they gave me 1400 calories via a feeding tube during the coma, I dropped from 330 at surgery to 217 in 10 weeks, (too fast, lost a lot of what was left of muscle tissue as well as fat) When I left ICU and went to Nursing home. I blinked my eyes and was 360 and now 380. (By the way, after emergency surgery two years ago, I have only 5' of small intestine left. I'd might be 800 pounds now if I didn't have the Crohn's.

I'm supposed to love my body? 380 is bad enough. But put two giant unprepared hernia's on top of that an my body could be consider deformed.

I'm supposed to love my body?

Well, yeah I am. Right?

It got me through hell and back with the Crohn's. The two folks I personally knew who had the Crohn's as bad as I did died from it. I think my being a fat man saved me from the intense Crohn's stuff.

But then there is Craig's List, and all the "Big Guy okay just not obese" etc etc.

Can I love my body? All 380 pounds of it? Embrace it?Accept it? Can I do this when no one else does? Can I love it at 400? 500? (if those numbers come) Am I out of the rage of acceptable fatness? Am I super obese? Can I love my body if I an categorized as super obese? Am I even allowed to consider this? Dare I?


Can I ever experience myself as a worthy person if I do not?

I have to love and accept my body. I am not ready to engage in a debate about the scientific/medical merits of accepting my 380 and whatever weight is next for me. ( Thanks to all who post warnings about reading the comments on other blogs,,, something about sanity points etc)

But I have to. I have no choice at this point. I know too much about the self hatred manifesting in my intestines strangulating and rupturing (happened two years ago) ( not gonna defend the scientific reasoning here ) I just KNOW!

My body is actually pretty impressive considering all the things it's been through.

Part of me thinks that this HAES/ intuitive eating/ movement I enjoy stuff is going to result is some weight loss. Maybe it will, maybe it wont. I do know if I make HAES about losing weight, or preventing me form gaining more, I am back in the self hatred shame spiral that has done havoc on my self worth.

What I want is to be able to go back to my dance lessons ( I was going to salsa class at 330 three times a week ) I want to be able to spin a girl around a dance floor for a couple of songs before I need to sit. I want to ride my bike around New York City again. Even if I have to buy a tricycle.

I had my first night where I couldn't catch my breath a few weeks ago so I recorded a farewell video to my family in case I bite it with a sudden Heart attack or whatever. I told them that I am sure that not fighting my weight was the right thing for me. I know they cannot wrap there minds around that. Hopefully they won't have to watch it ever. It was more for me anyway.

But I do know for sure not fighting is my only option. If I fight, I lose (then gain).

I have to love my body now. I have to be at peace that there may be more severe consequences (even death) as time goes by. There may be heavier weights, less mobility. But I will be free of the self hatred and for some of the time, dare I say it, free of the shame.

However, I think if I focus on being healthier, give myself credit for the little things, let my body settle where it is at peace, then I get to maybe squeeze a lot more happy stuff out of whatever remaining days I may have. And with my track record, I might just have another 50 years left.

I wish I felt this way 100% of the time.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Verbal Attack on the Street

Yesterday I was walking home on 14th street when a tall man came up along side me pointing at my stomach yelling something that my ipod prevented me from hearing. I should have kept the headphones on.

"That's your fault! You got an extra 100 pounds there! I lost 100 pounds. All ya gotta do is take control.", he bellowed at me. Being the seasoned NYC pedestrian that I am, I put up my crazy force field, looked him straight in the eye, I said loudly, "No, Thank You!" and I turned around and walked in the other direction.

While I can easily chalk that off to an adult with no sensibilities, I found myself for the rest of the day and today seeing lots of glances at my stomach.

I'm just getting used to the mindset of health at any size and accepting myself as is. I even noted in a recent reply to one of the FA blogs I follow how I never see anyone staring at my stomach.

Amazing how tough it is to maintain the self acceptance mind set. I'm getting there.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

fat blog post #1

Well I am on this path to complete self acceptance inclusive of my obesity. I am grateful that there are wonderful people out there blazing this trail for me to follow. Most of the battle is an internal one as the Fat Acceptance movement rings so true to my heart at the same time my historic programming battles for it's right to bash my self image and sense of worthiness in all areas of my life.

I look forward to the day where I stand firmly in my conviction that I am okay just the way I am.