Saturday, July 3, 2010

Gratitude for the Sphere

I am very grateful that there are so many smart activist voices out there discussing Size Acceptance. I myself have been not only been under the radar, but almost completely "off grid" when it comes to following the sphere and watching the different developments and issues here.

Long story short on my absence has been a crisis of confidence about my health choices and a really difficult battle with my own "Bad Fattie Guilt". I probably will blog about it more but right now I just want to say thank you to all the voices on the sphere waiting for me in my special inbox dedicated to the sphere.




  1. Dude - there are no bad fatties, there are only fat people living life as best they know how and it's no one's business what that is. So don't feel guilty about your choices, they are your choices and no one has the right to make them for you or judge you for them.
    Enjoy the holiday weekend :)

  2. Hi Ivan,

    I'm a lurker who has missed reading you. I've been wondering how you are dealing with your sister and mother, if those situations have improved, and how you're doing in general.

    I often feel bad, not as a bad fatty vs. good fatty because frankly I find HAES confusing, but just for being so fat and what it means as far as what I can physically do. I feel like I went wrong somewhere and although I've been reading FA blogs for a couple of years I've yet to actually accept myself.

    Physically, my knees make it too painful to walk for more than a block (or from my cubicle to the ladies' room), and standing and waiting for something like the bus is just outrageously painful. I'm pretty sure I have osteoarthritis, but I had a bad dr experience several months ago so didn't found out for sure ("get bariatric surgery! you're too big for the MRI machine!"). I know I should go see someone else, but so far haven't gotten up the nerve.

    I think, like I just read over at, some of us are possibly in our own way when it comes to how we view ourselves. I know I am.

    HAES is something that I aspire toward, but often I'm eating ice cream while I try to imagine myself practicing it. Is that a problem in itself? If I've read other people correctly, this can count as intuitive eating because intuitively I want the ice cream. ??? Can that be true? Also, I don't see how to find joy in movement. Movement literally hurts me. (This is possibly an ableist POV, please someone speak up if it is so.)

    This has been quite a ramble, I apologize. I will close with all best wishes for you and I look forward to reading future posts.

  3. vesta, i get on many levels that there are no good or bad fatties. My struggle has been an internal one. Taking the well thought out social justice logic I have been trying to reconcile it against the internal beliefs that I am not doing enough for my health.

    Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.

    cleo- I cannot thank you enough for your self revealing response. I very much related to you speaking about pain if you have to walk even a small distance. I also can relate to knowing what I need to do vs. what I am willing or perhaps ready to do.

    I am lucky to have a bunch of doctors that understand my no intentional weight loss aspect of my FA beliefs. They actually understand that I fall into the 95% of folks who cannot keep the weight off.

    I hope you go seek out other doctors and from the very first meeting, when they speak of your weight and bariatric stuff, that you explain to them that after careful consideration you have decided that the surgery is an option you have decided against. Of course there is a little more to it than that, and the folks here on the sphere will be happy to help you with the data, the statistics, etc when you need to speak to them. I think that getting a sympathetic doctor is very important.

    I also have had HAES/ FA conversations in my head while eating Ice Cream or cookies or whatever. I am sure that this is right for me. Putting any limitations or restrictions on my food for any reason whatsoever has never worked for me. I have actually been recognizing a trend lately of wanting less quantity of food and moving away from wanting ice cream etc. I still have that stuff anytime I want it, I am just wanting it less.. I will report on if it lasts or not.

    I too thought I was too big for the machines, but these machines may actually be able to handle you. If you get an experienced operator they may be able to lower the table to accommodate your size, I am around 400 lbs and thought I couldn't fit, but I did.

    I wish you good things and thanks so much for commenting.

  4. Thanks so much, Ivan. I was actually wondering if there was a delete button (there isn't!) because I was feeling embarrassed, and I came back and saw your response. So very kind. Thank you.

  5. I think this is the first time I have visited your blog. Very nice! I have put your in my google feed.

  6. Ivan I have really missed your (always) thoughtful and often intensely personal posts. I hope you will be back posting again soon. Always feel free to drop me a line if you want to hash anything out : ) Take care, friend.


  7. LoveAshley - thank you and i'd welcome your comments on past threads..

    Bri - you are one of my hero's. thanks for the offline offer.

  8. Ivan,
    I finally got around to seeing your email about your blog and I'm glad I did! I've added it to my list of blogs I follow on Google so I can stay up-to-date with your posts.

    Intending you a safe, joyful and happy 4th!