Thursday, November 18, 2010

shameless solicitation for fatty love

I was inspired by this post about what FA is not and I wrote the followng comment on that blog.. I am posting my comment here because I could use some fatty love from the sphere.


While I agree with everything in this post, I am saddened and angered with the realization that most people refuse to even consider the validity of my FA/HAES beliefs.

I wish there was a non virtual "island of misfit toys" for my fellow fatties with health and mobility issues. The internet community of FA/HAES folks is wonderful and I appreciate all my friends and associates I connect with virtually. IRL, I am lonely.

I have very limited mobility and very limited pulmonary function. I am very fat. I deal with chronic pain and numbness from my shins to my toes that are consequences of emergency surgery three years ago which was unrelated to my weight. Walking is difficult. The thought of all the venomous stigma hurled at my beautiful fat body on a mobility scooter is frightening and I am not ready to confront those demons.

When folks who don't know me look at me, they think I ate myself into disability. They think I am deluded when I use the phase unrelated to my weight.

There is no-one in my family life, save for my brother, who does not constantly confront and blame me about not doing enough for my health. I do have to give credit to my mother for trying though.

And I am so very in sync with this post that I have found a little peace and happiness knowing that there is nothing wrong with my choices.

I know that trying to explain the logic of my choices (about food, health FA, HAES, etc) to most, especially family, is a waste of time and impossible. Some family members see me as a heroin addict on the street that needs an intervention. They refuse to have a civil conversation about my beliefs. They refuse to stop telling me why my thinking and beliefs are wrong. They cannot help themselves from trying to get me to see my fat, my choices, my beliefs are wrong, selfish and insist that I make some sort of commitment to action in line with their beliefs.

Sooooo I had to set boundaries with them. I told them for my mental health and peace of mind, I will no longer discuss these issues with them and I will not accept any comments from them on issues of health, weight, fitness, food.

I have had to choose between these beliefs and very valuable personal relationships. I let my sister go with love. I do not speak to a very close long time family friend anymore, I have a very shallow and arms length relationship with my father and step mother.

I am being true to myself and my beliefs by giving up these relationships. I miss my sister.

Sorry to drift a little here, but your post brought this stuff to the surface for me and I had to write.


  1. I was moved to comment because I recognise the sadness in your post, the sadness that comes from making the hard choice to let go of some relationships. I had to do the same, for a multiplicity of reasons, but the refusal to accept my FA and my disabilities were very much to the fore of them.

    All I can say is that, despite the odd pang of sadness I still have, on the whole it was worth it and my mental health has improved greatly as a result. It took counseling support and a great of hard work on my part but I will say it again, it was worth it in every way.

    Having had the courage to take those first steps of letting go harmful relationships, I wish you all the best in getting mobile with a scooter. I frequently use one and often use a wheelchair too - the freedom more than makes up for the odd idiot. Good luck!

  2. I wish I had a way of making your family wake up to themselves. I really do. And I loathe how fat automatically becomes (for the wider world) a scapegoat for every single health issue we fatties dare to have. I think you are incredibly brave setting the boundaries you have and having the courage to back them up with action, cutting people from you life who are negative influences. I also understand the feeling of being lonely IRL.

    *big fat hugs*

  3. *big fatty hugs*
    You're not alone. I have rid myself of toxic relationships as well. It is so difficult for people to except the fact that everything we've been programmed to believe about health/fat/fitness/dieting/etc is a bunch of lies. That is essentially what HAES does, right? For me at least, only my reaction was pure joy at finally reading the truth! This holiday I am buying some family members that book and asking them only to read it. It is up to them to accept it or not.
    I would love to read more from you. Keep posting & I'll keep reading! =0)
    I'm also an FA blogger:

  4. When it seems the game is lost.
    Don't give up at any cost.


  5. Hey, Joanna here. I'm really glad that you benefited from that post. Even though I don't have the same issues you do, I totally understand what it's like to be lonely as a result of people not getting FA. They still think you can be in FA and diet, not to be THIN, just to be a little less FAT. Or dieting "just a little" for health reasons. I tell people again and again that I'm not interested in weight loss, health, or lifestyle advice, and no one listens.

    No, you're NOT in the wrong, and I imagine it must be hard to be fat and disabled in NYC what with all the ultra-liberal organic foodie types that think fat hate is chic (not to judge all liberals/organic foodie people.)