Sunday, August 7, 2011

wow 6 months since my last post

Hello Fat-o-Sphere,

I really miss you guys and gals. I have been under water for quite a long time. The reality of it is that I am ashamed of myself.

It is hard to write this post. I want to explain all the facts of my medical stuff, my emotional stuff, my financial stuff et al.

Long story short is that there was a perfect storm of all sorts of stuff going bad in my life and I had no strength to do almost anything to deal.

So I sleep.

So I don't go out.

So I stop blogging.

and so on, and so on, and so on.

The few times I do talk to someone about what is going on with me, (mostly with my brother who is a prince with the way he does not judge me) I almost always come to the place where I think that losing some weight would bring so much relief to my problems.

Then I remember all I have learned and I realize that is not a viable option. Then I feel a little hopeless. Then I go to sleep.

It feels like I have become the cliche homebound obese man. Not the knock the wall down and use a crane to get me to the hospital fat. But the rarely go out kind.

The problems that I choose to not deal with aren't insurmountable. I just can't summon the will to do anything about them.

While I know I can start to address these issues without trying to loose weight, the weight does make it much harder to move and motivate.

I couldn't even get myself to Washington for the convention which was more about shame than physical ability.

Maybe I will get into details of health in some future posts and open myself up to the compassion of those here on the sphere that understand my stuff better than any others.

For now, I just want to check in and connect from my default lurking position.


  1. Hi Ivan,

    I don't know you, but you sound really depressed to me. Have you maybe thought about seeing a therapist, or a psychiatrist? It might help give you the boost you need to start going out into the world again.

  2. Thanks for posting! It's good to hear from you again, even if the news isn't great. This might be the first of many, you never know! Write when you feel you can, not if you feel you 'should'. Baby steps and welcome back.

  3. know that there are those, maybe not in your immediate life, but still around you, looking froward to your blog. i missed your gentle comedy and your voice, ivan. hopefully welcome back!

  4. Ivan, I'm glad to see you posting again. I see so much of myself in you and I really wish I lived nearby so I could be of service to you. I know what you're going through, I've lived it, and not to be cliche, it really does get better.

    Several years ago, I came down with severe, and I mean SEVERE psoriasis, so I was not only very, very fat, I was also covered in sores. I left my job because I was so depressed, I just couldn't face getting up in the morning and going to work. When the guilt of not working got to be too much I started interviewing again, just as the economy was failing, and let me tell you, when the interviewer won't even shake your hand, you're not getting the job.

    My world became very small, I hardly left the house and the only person I talked to regularly was my husband. (I'd had a therapist, but she died unexpectedly.) I knew I couldn't keep going on like this, so I'd plan my meals for the day and go to the grocery store. I said hello to pretty much every employee of the store as I went around, checked out, went home and cried, but I did it every day just to make myself leave the house. From there life did start getting better, albeit incredibly slowly. I found a new therapist, and I was FINALLY diagnosed with a thyroid problem, that honestly was the biggest factor in lifting my depression. I still have times when I don't want to leave the house, but I also have regular activities where people count on me to show up, so I do.

    Please take care of yourself and you contact me privately if you want to. (I assume you have my email address from my comment.)

  5. @daturagreenleaf I would think I am depressed also if I read my post also. I really do not think that is the case. I have done my years and years in therapy and the reasons I do not wanna put forth the effort to get in the pool, or get to a drum circle class, or socialize, is because I just don't want to put forth the effort. I dont want to walk down the talk therapy path with one more therapist because I have dissected and inspected and analyzed my ass off. There are also some medical issues going on that I plan to detail later on and I am not 100% against talking about treatment options for depression, but I just dont have the patience/budget to work with meds many of which I have tried in the past. Anyway, thank you for your comment and concern… I look forward to seeing you around the interwebs!

    @ jenincanada - always got lots of big love for you and your compassion and of course your writing/comments around the web

    @erylin- thanks for the reminder. one thing that brings be joy is the connection with others in the movement. Viva la revolucion!

    @Kate thank you and I do get 15 minutes of walking almost everyday. But I like your idea about connecting with other humans. My problem is I can resolve to do something like that, and then break that promise to myself when I can't get myself out of the house and right now I am very resistant to making commitments that I know I probably wont keep. Deb at Redress and Golda do occsional things that I could go to to connect with other FA folks yet I find myself unwilling to get out when the time comes to get in the car to get to these activities. anyway the way I think i get out of this funk is a sort of divine inspiration… at some point there will be something that appeals to me enough to get me out to do it. again a motivation issue as opposed to a depresion issue… anyway as I said there are a lot of valid medical issues going on with me, yet I still feel ashamed because I still to some degree buy into the likelihood that my weight makes them worse yada yada yada. Thanks for the reach out and suggestions.

  6. Glad you're back/or popping in to update. I was wondering about you the other day. Glad you're still around in any case. If you ever need to vent, hit me up:! Take care of YOU! You are worth it!

  7. Big hugs Ivan.

    I have to echo the sentiment that you sound like your fight is with self esteem and emotional issues more than it is with your actual body.

    But only you can know that for sure.

    We are always here to support you and listen. You are not alone.

  8. Ivan, Just stopping by to read your posts and wondering how you've been doing. It sounds like not too well....I am a bit surprised by your post because I know you're a deliberate creator. Sometimes we get "stuck" in our "stories" and keep telling them over and over and forget that there are ways to feel better now.

    I'm wondering if you're listening to Abraham on a regular basis? Or if you have the meditation CD? It might make you feel better--which is the point! As I know you know, placing your attention on things to appreciate in your "now" would serve you very well right now. Move up the emotional scale and find those feelings of relief! Don't listen to the "shoulds" but do follow your "feel better" instincts.

    You could start by appreciating that you wrote on your blog and celebrate that and the love from the responses you're getting!

    Hugs, Barbara