Well I was diagnosed with an acute case of Asthma yesterday. I have been having problems with getting winded that seemed to come out of nowhere about 6 weeks ago. God Bless the PPO, I had to wait 5 weeks for an appointment. At least I have the coverage.
Being fat to the degree that I am, 380lbs/ 5'8; I tend to blame a lot on my weight. Even when I get a legitimate diagnosis like yesterday's, I feel like I brought it on myself, or that I am being punished for not taking care of my weight.
When my " I wonder what they are thinking about me" radar is on (getting better at shutting this off) I feel ashamed of my breathing, if I get winded I really feel ashamed at not taking better care of myself.
As I walk the road of Fat Acceptance, I see more clearly the self induced pain that comes from my beliefs about my fat. I am getting medication for my Asthma, I am doing my internal work. My Doctor understands the complexity of my fat and that loosing weight is not going to happen anytime soon.
Still, I am on the end of the spectrum where health related issues are a statistical reality. This brings up moral questions for me as I decide to live with Fat Acceptance instead of the constant self loathing that always accompanies my failed efforts at loosing weight.
Do I have a moral obligation to lose weight? Is my pursuit of happiness turning my focus away from a moral failing that contributes to the Health Care Crisis.
Am I a horrible person who is selfish and doesn't care about anything except what's for dinner?
I see from these ramblings that there is nothing mean spirited that could ping on my "what do they think about me" radar that could come anywhere close the thought of guilt and shame that I am earnestly trying to work through.
Time for breakfast! :)
Cheers,
Ivan
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