When I get right down to it I don't feel human. I feel that 405 or 410 pounds on my 5'8" frame disqualifies me from the human race. With the exception of the friends there already know me and my family, I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I don't feel like I'm a candidate for a job. You don't feel like I would never be considered as a romantic prospect (by a heterosexual woman) I've often said to friends that I wish I was gay because at least the gay community has the sub community of the Bears. I know I'm a little down and feeling a little sorry for myself today. The good thing is I got my physical exercise and I don't have to figure out this whole not feeling human thing tonight. Anyway here's some rambling thoughts from today related to my fat acceptance journey…
I caught the second half of the show on MTV called “I used to be fat” it was about a high school senior preparing to go to college and it tracked his work with a personal trainer and the process of getting more fit and getting ready for college.
My fat acceptance glasses made me suspicious of this young man's chances to maintain the significant weight loss over the long-term. I found myself wanting him to be successful. I mean over the long run in the next couple of years when the show will have forgotten him. I hope for him that as he left home and went out on his own that the habit of working out and cooking in a healthy way would stay with him and he would not have to suffer the indignities that our culture thrusts upon that people.
There was one scene when he came back home to visit after the first couple of weeks away at college and had lost a little more weight and was wearing jeans for the first time in a long time. Everyone in the family praised him for his looks, and everyone in the family was joyously happy for him.
I also feel a lot of sadness for all the young fat people graduating from high school who choose not to go to college because of the stigma out there. I personally, had to drop out of school for health problems and I never went back and finished. So this particular episode brought up a lot for me.
I guess I saw this guy start his college career, really his adult life, completely bought into the culture's bias against fat. I thought about the odds of him gaining the weight back and how the entire show framed isn't higher life problem around his size. And while I hope for him that he is one of the 5%, I equally hope that he finds a way to love and believe in himself if his body weight goes back to where it was throughout his entire adolescence which you and I both know is probable.
I also saw Seth Rogen on one of the night talk shows and he mentioned that he cannot fit into any of the close he bought when he was at his thinnest for his upcoming movie the Green Hornet. Yes I know he's Hollywood but he started in Hollywood fat and I wonder if he gains back the weight if he will continue his successful career. I guess I'm just wondering out loud what Hollywood will do with him if he gains weight back. Will they punish him by only giving him the fat clown roles going forward. There was a movie he did I think it was called nine months when he played the lead and he was heavyset. Some very curious to watch out things progress with Seth Rogen.
I know this post really doesn't have a central theme but these are few things that I've been wondering about. The last thing I want to ponder about is the very well-received website big boy fashion. I think it's great that these guys are doing what they're doing. I just find myself thinking if they consider themselves big boys what the heck am I. And I know this has nothing to do with them or their body size or shape and everything to do with the own insanity inside my head.
Just thinking out loud tonight.
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I've really struggled with feeling inhuman as well. I did get married (which pretty much shocked me) and 10 years later, even though I know how much my husband loves me, I still have moments of feeling unlovable because I am very fat. I am happy a lot, and pretty self-accepting, but I can still feel like I definitely don't count as a woman and maybe only count as a partial, sub-human.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a product of being told so often that I was lesser and broken. I know it's not true, but it can be a battle to push back.
I just want to say I like to read your blog.
I used to feel similarily up until quite recently and my BMI has always been under 40.
ReplyDeleteIt was mostly mental and psychological. I suppose I felt more incompletely human, as if I was doing a bad imitation of one.
if i was single and NOT married to a guy that looks much like you (450 on a 5foot 8 frame) i would totally date you. have no fear there is someone out there that WILL love you. i am 6 foot 2 and 300 myself, so i can realate to not feeling human, not feeling like a proper woman.
ReplyDeleteHi Ivan,
ReplyDeleteI don't feel quite human either, honestly. I'm at the far top of the spectrum for my gender in both height and weight, and my choice in occupation was traditionally masculine, and my choice in politics doesn't represent the typical politics of a civil rights activist.
I can understand how alienating it feels to be on the 'outside' of some more general society. But I assure you, colluding with hate and misinformation won't just hurt you (and boys like on that show) long-term, it also hurts everyone around us by contributing to a culture of victimization and shame for being 'different.'
It's hard to be different, on the outs. But be it. Proudly. If not for you, for the next generation of kids who need role models like you to tell them that the size doesn't make the person, that they have something valuable to contribute no matter what. That compassion and empathy are more important than trying to fit in.
Just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for their comments. Most of the time I come to a place of gratitude and excitement and enlightenment and joy. There's always a struggle with the feelings I spoke about, however, there usually in the background. I know that I'm just in a phase, a slump. And that's why these feelings are more on the surface than usual. It is said in tragic that our culture creates an atmosphere where these feelings exist. Thank you everyone, for the comments and advice
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to tell you that I really enjoy your blog, and that you are absolutely human, and that I, for one, am glad you are around and chronicling your journey. It's been really helpful to me. That's all. :)
ReplyDeleteThe movie you're thinking of is "Knocked Up". "Nine Months" and "Knocked Up" are both comedies about unexpected pregnancies, though.
ReplyDeleteIn a culture that so often dehumanizes fat people, it's inevitable that sometimes it will get to you and you'll have moments of not feeling human. But you're fighting back.
Hi Ivan...
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know I'm reading, and listening. *hugs*